Well sorry guys but I have been a complete wreck for this last month post crash.
I need to unload…
During that period of time, I have been up to nothing and avoiding any socialising as it brings extreme anxiety and despair.
The last ditch being my GF giving up due to my complete panicking after my symptoms kicked in… So fair enough…
There is absolutely no way I can rationalise what is happening to me and going through the stories, the scientific literature does not bring nothing but more stress. This condition is difficult to cure and I feel like we are guinea pigs for well intentioned specialist with a compassionate ear…
I feel very close to the most extreme cases of PFS here… Think Paul Innes
I have to give the thumbs up to many members here (you know who who you are) and it means a lot when someone reaches out to you and offers some support… But this is temporary. I try the odd distraction but my mind goes on a loop and even shitty mind crushing TV I have constantly on my ipad does not help at all.
First of all I blame myself over taking the drug, not having done the right googling… I took it last year so I kill myself over “You should have known better.” I know it won’t help but I am on this loop…
Symptoms are “stuck”. Not an erection in a month, a lifeless dick, no libido, no emotions, the odd brain fog, the insomnia and when I sleep creepy nightmares so vivid I could be there… My skin is peeling off my hands, I have no body odour : I feel like a Tchernobyl victim. Another “treat” is what I call the utter morning despair… Its is 6 am, you toss in bed and the feeling of doom is crushing you like a bug… No idea where my life is going and a month a half to getting back to work, I don’t know what to expect… As a good PFS sufferer mate always tells me: this is horrendous…
My days comprise of getting up, lying in bed, and wait for the day to unfold… I could as well be in prison, it would not make any difference… My massive book and record collection has not been touched in a month… Music, my main thing is like the rest: watching the hot girls, a movie, going for a drink with friends, going to festival: I no longer have the drive to do so… I hide from my friends because of my lack of everything… Worst I feel ashamed of being in that condition for something as stupid as a hairloss pill. Fuck the hairloss transplant forums and the pill pushers… If I get on disability leave for my work, I anticipate the shame and gossip that will thrive and make me feel even worse and shit.
" He had to stop working because a hairloss pill ruined his life"… God, the ultimate shaming…
As I am typing this I am a couple of hours away from having to drive an hour from my place to visit a friend for his birthday… I feel not drive to get up, wash, put some clothes, prepare a bag for the week end… I just want to curl up in my bed and pray for PFS to make me quietly to a peaceful sleep… I feel like Chester Bennington when he described his battle with depression…
So you will tell me : you are depressed. Sure but something triggered it and you know what… And then comes the icing on the cake with PFS:
No SSRI antidepressant will help me but make my limp biscuit worse… Mind you…
Then I read food is essential… And again, most of the things which made me feel “alive” ie enjoying good food, is another obstacle… No more avocado, no more tomatoes, no more this, no more that… Oh you ate that? Not good mate… Fuck this is insane… It piles up again and again…
The only thing I kept is smoking. I know it is bad but it helps and gives me e sense of I have something left, as stupid as it may seem…
I feel I am doomed to a broken penis for the rest of my life and this is killing me… What if I can’t make love again? What woman will love me with my blunted feelings, my inability to perform… I had it all, it is gone…
So you see what is next… Bleak thought, bleak googling and looking for a way out… Even that is not a guarantee… Suicide could make even you worse than what you are now…
So I look for Dignitas options but the condition being unknown, I will never get a chance to be considered… But these videos of people peacefully ending their miseries give me hope…
I am so desperate I am ready to look for a penile implant… I know a lot would go against it but I read stories of PFS guys who kinda manage a sex life with it… I am not talking of ED in my case… My junk could as well be a piece of meat… IT IS USELESS…
I am very sorry to let things go like this but I feel it is the only place where I can vent all the feelings which have been swelling up for for a month… I am well aware of the negativity, which is bad but I can’t help it. I try mediation before sleeping, I try to watch my diet but sometimes I will go for the occasional beer, crisps when I am with friends…
It briefly reminds me how normal people live.
I have read everything about my condition : secondary hypogonadism: I feel I am doomed, no treatment will bring me back to my former self… I am fucked. Treatment? Could make me even worse…
The you have the studies or lack thereof. And I don’t make sense of any of it. I am not a science guy… I used to read avidly, be curious about things: Gone. A vegetable with a human shell…
I am SORRY again for curbing any enthusiasm and spoiling the fun.
I pray every minute I will not be another casualty to this horrible injustice… I am not even sure I will make in to the end of this year.
3 people around me know of my condition but for them it is a vague, distant concept and you can’t bother people with your shitty life… They will listen but how can you describe this hell?
I am just completely desperate and I needed to write this loose, on the spot thread…
It is as honest as it gets…
I have been doing my best to be responsive on this forum when someone needs it no matter what shitty stay I have been in…
I feel I am dead and I am in my early forties.
Anyone who wants to reach out welcome…
