I’m happy to report that my sleep has somewhat improved as I no longer wake up in the middle of the night and unable to get to bed. I’ll wake up an hour before my alarm goes off sometimes but can still fall back to sleep. I started taking ZMA at night to see if that helps any (I definitely get some wacky dreams on it). I no longer need Tylenol PM nor Ambien though. The first few weeks were a living nightmare. Still can’t sleep in till noon like I used to nor do I drool (I used to drool in my sleep all the time before SP). Saliva production seems less compared to pre-SP.
I honestly haven’t noticed much change from the Oxytocin nor the Selegiline, but I could be wrong. I went to McCullough in NYC a few weeks ago and he examined me, said it’s a waiting game - checked my prostate and it was OK. Didn’t find anything abnormal even though I pointed out the penile tissue changes. He said as long as I’m getting nocturnal erections (which I am) that I shouldn’t worry, especially since I can get it up for sex. Doesn’t think 9 days of SP would cause this much damage, but it’s been 3+ months since quitting.
Speaking of which, I had sex for the first time a couple of weeks ago since this incident. I amazingly didn’t have a problem getting it up although I felt my erection wasn’t 100%, but still, I was able to have sex successfully without assistance (I had a Viagra just in case), and hopefully won’t have to in the future. I even had time to put a condom on without losing it. I’m still not getting morning erections but at least I am getting nocturnal ones. Still having numbness issues though and tissue changes are still present (as well as a slight axis rotation, not 45 degrees, more like 5-10). The pain in my groin has finally subsided – it hurt the most when sitting down since I’m mostly sitting down all day but it is for the most part gone. Masturbation is more of a chore though and I’m trying to limit it.
I had sex again last weekend but lost my erection when I changed positions, but I was also drunk (and had performance anxiety because of this mess) so that probably played a major factor. I tried again the next morning and was able to perform successfully.
I need to make sure my adrenals are OK since my DHEA (especially) and Cortisol is over range. My endo recommended an adrenal MRI to be safe. DHEA is through the roof and I want to make sure I don’t have Cushing’s or an adrenal tumor, etc. Also doing a saliva DHEA/Cortisol 24 hour test and and a Dexamethasone Suppression test (my endo has been great about this, younger doctor who is intrigued by this after showing him my 24 hour urine results).
I get lower back pain where the adrenals are located so I’m concerned about that, although the pain has significantly decreased lately. Maybe the high DHEA/cortisol relates to my aging hands? They look so wrinkled (especially the fingers). After I get that straightened out, I’ll perhaps try Sustain Alpha or endoAMP, but I’m going to wait at least 6 months before trying another supplement (except ZMA since that’s just minerals, also take Centrum and Fish Oil). I also asked for Free T3 and T4 tests to make sure my thyroid is in check.
As long as I’m able to get it up for sex I guess there isn’t a major sexual problem, though I would like my penile sensitivity, libido, and morning/spontaneous erections back. My depression/anxiety has decreased significantly after knowing that I can at least perform. I’ll get bouts of depression, but because of all these symptoms, but at least the crying spells have diminished. I want to be who I used to be – a fun guy that likes to drink, outgoing, muscular, be social etc.
My appetite still isn’t great (but that could be because of the Wellbutrin since I read it can suppress appetite). The last couple of weeks have been the best I’ve felt since this whole thing. I’m not as physically/mentally sluggish and I can actually function at work and school. Hopefully things will improve with time. Maybe switching to name brand Wellbutrin XL helped as well (was on generic before). I’m nowhere near to what I used to be but substantial progress has been made.
The wrinkles under my eyes and smile lines around my face really annoy me - I didn’t have those just a few months ago and may consider creams and/or cosmetic surgery if they don’t go away… it looks weird when I smile now which I don’t like though many might not even notice it - but I shouldn’t have these aging features at 26. Hopefully my face regains its structure as Omni and ithappens have mentioned – I lost facial fat around the eyes/cheeks and people think I lost weight (which I did, but mostly muscle). Face isn’t as oily as it used to be but still produces oil, just not as much. Hair is dry and brittle.
I can at least know that I don’t have 100% ED as I once thought. Still, manual stimulation is tough and ejaculate volume isn’t what it used to be, but it is thick (too thick?) and not watery.
Trying to go to the gym more and regain my lost muscle mass but I talked to to.robin and he said I won’t make gains with over the range Cortisol since it hinders muscle growth. So basically it’s my adrenals I need to work on before anything else then take it from there. I have my birthday coming up in a couple of weeks and it may not be as sour as I originally thought it would be. I lost a ton of muscle mass (at least 10 pounds) but still go to the gym. I can still lift the same amount of weights, and was able to lift more after experimenting (which is strange). So I have the same strength but less muscle? Watch is still loose around my wrist and t-shirts aren’t as snug due to the loss of mass. Taking whey protein shakes (Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard – great stuff, much better than GNC) after workouts (did this before SP as well).
This is the longest stretch I have made without breaking down hysterically (I rarely broke down before this) and hopefully that will continue, because frankly, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. This is utter torture for guys our age, in our prime, etc. All I know is that I’ll be a much stronger person when I hopefully recover from this nightmare. Things have slowly gotten better over time. I was literally suicidal the first two months and damn near psychotic. Hopefully more progress will be made. I’ve got morningwood 3-4 times within this span (specifically within the last month), albeit short-lived, but it’s still something to rave about.
One more thing… I had a nocturnal emission (wet dream) early Sunday morning. I haven’t had one of those since this whole thing started… I didn’t masturbate/have sex since the weekend before. I take it that this is a positive sign?
Symptoms that have improved:
- Sleep – able to fall asleep OK, no longer experiencing insomnia, still can’t sleep in like I used to (ZMA seems to help though), but can at least sleep somewhat normally
- Depression/Anxiety – Depression was rock bottom the first 2.5 months but I am slowly improving. Wellbutrin seems to help (no sexual sides like SSRIs, it boosts dopamine too). Klonopin has helped as well when I get really emotional about this. Hopefully I won’t need these meds too much longer.
- Nocturnal Erections – Get them on a near-nightly basis
- Joint pain (mostly in hands) has diminished
- Eyes are less dry (still not as watery as they used to be)
- Not emotionally flat/numb as previously though (I was crying hysterically on a daily basis over this for awhile, laughed pretty hard while watching “Grandma’s Boy” – underrated comedy btw)
- Dizziness is gone
- Brain fog is mostly gone (I can actually THINK, be somewhat witty in conversation like I used to)
- Constipation is gone (no more “poo pellets”)
- Motivation to do things has improved (due to lessened depression)
- Anxiety is not as pronounced but still get bouts here and there
- Hand tremors have subsided
- Able to concentrate better
- Crying spells have drastically diminished (again, due to lessened depression)
- Erectile dysfunction – able to have sex
- Testicular/groin pain is gone
- Kidney/adrenal pain has diminished/nearly gone (experience it for a minute or two when first getting in bed)
- Less sensitive to caffeine (would really mess me up the first couple of months) – only drink coffee when I need to though, otherwise I stick to water and/or diet/caffeine-free drinks
Symptoms still present:
- No morning/spontaneous erections (though had short-lived morningwood 3-4 times within the last month)
- Penile tissue changes, skin is darker
- Veins on penis
- Genital numbness
- Very low libido
- Dryer skin on face (face produces oil but not nearly as much)
- Premature aging (under/around eyes, hands) – skin seems “tighter”
- Abundance of eye floaters (a huge nuisance, especially when reading text and when outside)
- Loss of appetite (though Wellbutrin is reported to suppress appetite)
- Muscular atrophy (though this may have subsided, hopefully)
- Colder body temperature
- Loss of body hair (thighs especially)
- Dry scalp, dandruff (no sebum buildup)
- Dry, brittle hair
- Chronic Fatigue (especially in the afternoon)
- Don’t sweat as much
- Hair falling out at decreased rate
- Manual stimulation is still difficult and lose an erection fast
- Testicles seem to fluctuate in size and position (hang low or stay high)
I’ll post the results from the previously mentioned tests when I receive them.