Please pray for me . Sodium Butyrate warning ****HELP me with my labs****!

Symptoms
#168

1 month and 2 days post crash

Symptoms have waxed and waned but always being hit with something. Suicidal ideation is back intensely. It comes and goes but i havent felt this Suicidal in years. Derealization and screamin tinnitus is not going away tho it’s been constant 24/7. Other symptoms kinda weave in and out through the days. Mostly tho I feel like a different person. Like the crash re wired my brain and personality. I have more energy too somehow than before the crash and can lift heavier weights at the gym with my body hardly feeling any pump. I truly dont know. Maybe its bc i havent ejaculated in months. I feel wholly unlike myself tho. My personality is different. I can’t explain but I’m.processing everything differently in my mind and feel so detached and unreal. These are, and I say with conviction, some of the darkest times in my life. I’m still doing the things I’ve set out to do but I feel really twisted and mental and all my friends can tell I’m off. I’ve had several people ask me now if I’m okay. Waking up today doing extremely poorly. Ughn. Hope the coming months are more kind to me

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#169

It’ll get better bro

Everyone in their own time

Just stay the course and be strong

My major crash was absolutely awful AWFUL and I made it out

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#170

Staying strong bro as best I can. Truly glad you are doing better

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#171

1 month and 9 days

Past few days major fatigue and extremely irritable. Feel angry and foul. Today is another crash. My skin is loser than ever before its paper thin and jiggled around even tho no fat. My hair is a thin dry tangled mess. Collagen is basically gone at this point. 2, yes count them, 2 new dents in my face. On my chin and cheek. Skin burning. I feel dead inside and horrendous. I look terrible and look crashed to shit. Leg twitches back which is my tell tale crash warning.

A cppl things have somewhat improved. Derealization hasn’t been as insane and my tinnitus is slightly lower or I’ve just gotten used to it. Feeling more angry than depressed. Not suicidal today but feel really horrible. Was laughing at how gross my skin is . Fuck this.

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#172

Hey man, hang in there. I’m just a little over two months in, and I didn’t see any improvement in some symptoms until a few days ago. You’re still very very early in all this. I cannot comment definitively that our outcomes will be the same, or that any one person’s journey will mirror another’s, but I want to at the very least reassure you that you can see improvements with time.

With regards to the mental side of this condition, one thing I’ve been thinking about recently is how many of us seem to alienate our feelings from ourselves, as though our redealization, sadness, anxiety, etc. were merely direct outcomes of finasteride, of which we are doomed to be witnesses of, but never participants in. In other words, because our bodies are changing against our wills, we can develop a kind of learned helplessness from PFS that generalizes to our emotions as well. Now, I’m not in anyways saying that mental sides aren’t caused by fin. I’ve felt the chemical doom this condition brought on when I crashed 1.5 months ago, so I know how real losing control over your mind can feel. I really do. I’m only trying to suggest that there are aspects of this condition that utterly suck, but which are nonetheless things we can influence. It’s okay to be angry, or feel any other emotion from this. Just don’t make the mistake I made of thinking that your mind is now totally cut off from your control in any way, because it’s not. We can feel the pain in our bodies, and we can witness how our minds react. Witnessing itself removes us from the process of just reacting without pause, and that can provide us some space to breathe. Sorry if that doesn’t help in any way, I just wanted to put it out there.

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#173

Hey hippty, sorry, I now know you’re commenting on a recent crash, not a first crash. I hope I didn’t come across as paternalistic. I admire you a lot for fighting for so long. I really hope you get better soon.

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#174

Not a worry my friend and there is truth to what you said about how it’s the way one deals with the devastating blow of this condition. And although I am helpless to the tortures of this disease i have learned to adapt as best I can to an ever changing physical and mental state. My word of advice for you is if you can feel yourself healing now you will get better. Just do not do anything to jeopardize it. If you feel the need to try supplements please micro dose first and see how you react. I appreciate your positivity and God speed on your recovery

Currently i am still trying to go out everyday and go to the gym and lead my life as if this isn’t happening to me.

Symptoms have waxed snd waned. Extreme fatigue, brain fog and derelaization being the biggest culprits Currently. Suicidal ideation is down. That was scary. I would say I’m almost back at baseline 1.5 months out. This tooth infection has gotten much worse tho so I believe I’ll soon have my world rocked again either through surgery or antibiotics and probably both. Praying it clears up on its own before then

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#175

7 weeks post crash

Doing very unwell. I feel like a totally different person my personality has changed dramatically. Like my thought patterns. The way my body works. I really can’t explain it but I am not the same as I used to be. I have more energy in the mornings somehow and to do things. And although I am in hell I have managed to go to the gym a few days a week. I am insanely derealized all the time 24/7. Walking around in an absolute demented state of being. Every crash is different and levels the playing field into something else. This one tho I can say is way different. I feel re-wired mind and body. Luckily I’ve only had one “disintegration attack” where all my connective tissue felt like acid was poured on it. My colon has seized up and it’s very hard to pass stool. And what i am passing is acid sludge neon yellow and very smelly stringy poop when it does come. I’ve had an insatiable craving for pizza when I take my sleeeping pill and have zero impulse control and it’s crashing me further bc I’m ordering pizza at 2 am the past 5 nights.I’m full of pizza and it wont come out.

On fasting days i dont even notice I havnt eaten I went three days and it had zero effect on my mind and body. Pre crash I’d have been dizzy and noticed by day 2 now I feel like I could fast non stop and my body wouldn’t even notice. My hair is so thin like frizzy straw and my skin i cant even talk about anymore its toast.

Libido i dont even care anymore. Im like a castrated eunuch. Sex will no longer be a part of my life I have zero desire and zero drive.

By far right now tho my worst symptom is derelaization. It’s like a bad acid trip it’s absolutely insane and I feel so lost and dead inside depressed. Suicidal ideation comes and goes but it is brutal when it’s here. I’m trying to get help but here in Canada it’s a 7 month wait to talk to a therapist . I met up with my ex gf 2 days ago I was so bad and cried in her car about how much I want to die and how bad I’m doing it was truly pathetic. She are very kind and understanding tho and I hope they can find someone who is better for them.than I can ever be

I have my tooth/antibiotic consultation on Tuesday which adds a level of dread over all of this

Thank God for clonazepam is all I can say. It saved me yesterday. I even had a glimpse into how inusednto think and feel. Like the veil was lifted for a moment. It’s the only thing that makes things bearable but I’d never take it everyday I use it maybe 5 times a month maximum. I’d never want it to lose its effect and then take away my one silver bullet.

Ya thats my update for what its worth

Praying for better days ahead

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#176

I’m so sorry brother
Idk what to say

This is truly a terrible condition and I really Hope those responsible are brought to justice here or in the hereafter. This is not forgivable. I’m sorry but it’s not.

Hang onto the hope that your symptoms will ease up and feel more manageable
When I had my major crash it took about 4-6 weeks to get back to mostly normal
And still haven’t I’m done respects

But ya gotta hold out for the research

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#177

Dear friend thank you for the update, its important that you keep us informed also so that it’s on record what this poison can do in some cases. Its absolutely abhorent, , Each time you think it can’t get any worse it actually does I’ve come back from some extremely low and truly frightening poinrs when i thought the end was imminent and despite this i /we, seem to muster up something to keep us going. I dont know where it comes from, but survival and the will to live must be very powerful.Every moment is hell I know but things will settle down a little. U are a true warrior mate keep going brighter days lie ahead. One day!!!

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#178

Thank u bro in holding out as best I can.

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#179

Thank you bruv you are a warriors also. I never fathomed the deapths at which this disease can effect you. It’s beyond body horror sci fi. How the fuck did I crash this bad from stress and a vinegar salad dressing? Id be in disbelief if I didn’t know it to be true. In the summer now I see ppl out making plans walking and having fun while the sun burns my face and I’m GONE in my body and mind.

As for going forward I read a good quote by bukowski

"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.”

Well I’m not laughing but it rings true. One day at a time. Praying for better days for us all

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#180

New dents and creases waking up today. Losing collagen at an accelerated pace. I look terrible :frowning:

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#181

Stay strong hang in there my dude

Think about the relief we’ll all feel when they find the secret to all this

That feeling of the DHT washing over our body and soaking up our rectors like they should.

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#182

Very much looking forward to that

#183

Bad shape today. 3 Days fast woke up derealization wasn’t that bad but feeling totally unlike myself. I haven’t passed stool in a week. I have pushed pit some small curly peices that look like macaroni and sink to the bottom and smell horrid. Currently my Anus has seized up very tight when I try and push. I am however doing yellow rancid diarrhea. I feel as I’m my digestion tract has shut off. I have tons of garbage pizza from those few days of binging stuck inside me none has come out. I’m extremely bloated. I ate some food just now yellow pepper a chicken breast and black beans and feel significantly worse than even an hour ago. Fuck me. I have my tooth consultation tomorrow which I am dreading. I’ll also go for a colonic soon to clear all the stool out hopefully it will work. Derealziation and depression setting in bad and I’m supposed to out of town I still will I hope my friends don’t mind hanging out with a weird zombie.

Tinnitus has somewhat subsided luckily. Everything else remains

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#185

Hey, there are many friends (I’m now over two years in now) following your posts. It’s good that you don’t disappear like @Papasmurf and so many severe affected, never seen again here. As they feel ashamed for suffering so hard.

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#186

Dude that last sentence dont make sense

#187

If I tell about my total deterioration, I’ll often get mails and comments, that I’m jealous about all the now 7 times sex in the row recoveries and that my bad mindset stopps others recovery. It’s creazy, if you one of the few patients showing some interest to bring thinks forward, well informed about research details and helping to warn all the comming hims, keeps and myspring consumers not to make the same mistake like we did.

#188

Papasmurf was one of the first guys trying to spread awareness to the media of his country (i think he did an interview) he also did a video and posted photos. I really believe he must be struggling so hard. Im sure he would prefer his previous state, not thinking he is ashamed, didnt seem that kind of guy