Please pray for me . Sodium Butyrate warning ****HELP me with my labs****!

Symptoms
#189

Thank you man i’ll stay here with updates. Unfortunately I fear the worst for some of those who stopped updating who were similar to how bad i have this. Hopefully they just stopped posting on thier own accord.

Update last few days

4 days ago extreme suicidal ideation. One very very dark night where my dad wanted to come get me and bring me to Toronto.

The next day woke up feeling okay and my mom took me to the nature conservation area. Aside from some mild derealization I felt okay. Nature is so instrumental in helping my soul on days when I can feel emotion. I had not a bad day that day I can’t remembered what else I did but I was feeling okay

Yesterday I woke up after sleeping poorly. Much more delrealized but took myself to a nature trail after a good chat with user recovery on the phone. Also I noted my skin was tighter on my face it didn’t have that crashed look and even my friend said “you look good today”. I got to the trail and I stumbled through the woods as my walking isn’t as sure footed as before but found a field and sat in the middle if it and made a pact with myself not to commit suicide no matter how bad this gets. There’s a song in listen to That can still make me cry for a time when I’m feeling okay and I listen to that song a lot these days. Later in.thw day it was our staff work party and I was so wholly derelaized out of my mind but managed to get through the whole thing. It’s like I’m.faking being myself but i got through it even tho the loud noisy bar was overwhelming.

My infection tho is significantly worse. Puss leaking out. And now my throat is sore. I will 100% need antibiotics I’ll call them Monday.

Today waking up after 3hrs sleep doing extremely bad. Vision a blurry mess and very derealized and sore body. But I’ll try to do something. I feel very alone in this aside from my dad and you guys. I feel like im living below reality and I’m drowning in murky derelaization trying to blend in. I spend my days going on walks and going to the gym but feeling so alone and detached and even with my friends like I can’t fully connect. My friends give me anxiety that I’m not well.

I am.very very close to making a public post about all this on my social media.

I’m fucking fighting here guys i really am

3 Likes
#190

I hope papasmurf is doing okay

1 Like
#191

I just read this bro

Trust me I was there. Complete derealization
Like I was literally bones and tissue and that was it
Didn’t feel life
I could only feel panic and it was different it was genuine fear more like a knowing.

And idk maybe by the Grace of God
But I pulled through. I remember it was cold outside it was January. My sleep was immeasurably fucked up. Even id I closed my eyes I’d just wake up as if I never slept at all. It’s a miracle I sleep as well as I do now. Honestly it’s truthfully a miracle
The sleep was just so non existent. Couldn’t even call what I did sleep.
But I’d get out of bed and force myself to cook and eat an egg and some toast every morning. I’d sit and just focus on finishing breakfast like I was so damn fragile in all aspects. This last for weeks
Until it stopped being so bad
Then I was mostly like 80% ok

Took months to get back to real baseline.
Then Covid happened. So I was resting a lot as we all were.
Then I started going on dates and fooling around with women again.
I still don’t believe it happened
Going from complete ZERO
back on the mat staring up at the ceiling metaphorically and literally

To months later being ok again and gettin girls
I’m a skeptic and that to me was a miracle.
Yes I still struggle but I’ve also gotten careless and pushed myself under a few times again

Point is I know how this can make you feel like ending it but there is hope for recovery
I think about my mom hearing that news and I don’t ever want to put her through that
Even if I really feel I just wanna give up

She’s already been through that with another family member
Holding on hope is hard but we must because we just don’t know
Hoping we catch lightning in a bottle and be happy again
Be strong man
You got this

2 Likes
#192

The thought of my family and friends having thier lives destroyed by my own hand is what’s keeping me around these days. I could never do that to them. If this diseases wastes me away and it’s natural then it wouldn’t be as devastating. You’re giving me some hope and I’m glad you managed to recover. I am a “waste case” tho as it were and I don’t see myself getting back to any kind of real improvement unless research delivers a break through. Now I’ll I can hope for is that I can return to baseline after horrific crashes. Much love to you tho man and I’m very happy for your recovery :v:

Yesterday I woke up in an emotional state. Derealized sore, Crying and feeling hopeless I called my best friend and she said to come over and she would take care of me and doesn’t care how bad I’m doing. I am blessed to have the people in my life that I do. I ended up staying all day there and although not feeling as myself we had a nice visit she is an angel.

My voice is raspy now the infection is in my throat

Idk what last ahead. Some acceptance has washed over me that the antibiotics will do what they are gunna do. It’s unavoidable. That hopefully they don’t cripple me mentally and physically too harshly. to prepare for the worst and hope I can get out of it.

The surgery is another thing altogether I have some very valid concerns about my terrible healing and my lack of connective tissue and gums not being able to cover the crater that will be in my face but trying to put that out of my mind

I still can not believe I am this fucked up from stress and salad dressing. I am not improving and its been 2 months since last crash. Still feel like a completely different person.

Waking up today very fatigued and derealized. Tinnitus seems to be the only thing that has somewhat lessened.

1 Like
#193

If it helps at all my knee surgery seems to be healing even though I have significant wastage all around the surgical area. I don’t know why my body can’t just cut the shit and support the surrounding tissue if it can heal what hasn’t yet wasted but I guess that’s all part of the master plan. But anyway…wastage and surgery disaster isn’t necessarily 1:1 is my point. In fact I’m pretty sure I looked around and didn’t see any waste related surgery problems going in.

How did the consult go?

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#194

You’re blessed to have her as your friend
She seems very caring

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#195

She is I am very lucky

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#196

Update

11 weeks post crash

I had a temporary recovery there for a bit. By no means a return to normal or even baseline but the punishing symptoms seemed to lessen. It came about after I masturbated and had an actualy pleasurable orgasm. I woke up feeling a bit better and was able to coast for a few days there maybe androgen got lowered or something idk how any of this works. Derelaization was less and I managed to ride by bike fast and strong. Although now.weights at the gym.are.much heavier than a few weeks ago and my drive is significantly lower to get out of bed. Slowly it’s been wearing off and today I’m back in shit… could feel the layers peeling off as derelaization and terrible brain fog have been creeping back in. Tried to JO again last night but ejaculated was painful like a pencil up my dick and I feel horrible now. Also my jaw and right side of face feel lots of pressure probably from.tooth infection which I still haven’t treated in anyway.

Anyway had an actual decent 3 or so days there but its gone again

2 Likes
#197

At the very least the symptoms subsided even temporarily
That’s gotta mean something right?

2 Likes
#198

Ya gives a bit of hope I suppose. Right back in the shit again tho . Just a glimpse seems to be all we get

Also my jaw is less on my right side of face. Like it’s shrunk and it’s sore. Definitely bone loss

#199

12 weeks post crash

Major fatigue setting in. Major brain fog and tinnitus. Anhedonia. Couldn’t care less about anything. I was so stuck on going to the gym 3 or 4 days a week now I don’t care I’m just angry and miserable and no pleasure. These fluctuations are insane. I am low in my mind and body

Also I basically have early dementia. I can not remember anything it’s as if I’m just wandering through life. No connections to anything that even happened a moment ago.

#200

This is what I had 3 years ago
If I made it out anyone has a chance

Rest
Keep your head up
Rest
Keep from spiraling keeping your mind occupied
Watch videos and give to some time

Stay strong man

#201

Crash again. Derealized out of my mind and screaming tinnitus. So angry and miserable. Foggy and groggy and tired. I feel violent I feel like a spring coil ready to burst. Pressure behind both eyes. Can’t think or speak properly. Leg twitching So know I’m crashed. diarrhea again.

Also and I can’t emphasize it enough I feel absolutely NOTHING like my old self. Ever since the crash on my bday it’s like my mind and personality have changed. The way I interact and think about things. Idk why idk what’s even happening.

1 Like
#202

I can’t imagine that you suffer 22 years on accutane problems. I hope most of the time as milder case than now? Im done after two years pfs already.

What makes me really sick, the Roche family, who destroyed so uncountable childrens lifes, lives a privileged billionairs life and never ever mouth an apology to their victims!

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This faces should inspire our will to fight forever!

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#203

Guys I’m so bad. This condition is crushing me. After some wild ups and downs I’ve come crashing down again. For a while there I felt kinda good. Not like myself bit more with it and sharp. I could think clearer but it was like it wasn’t me. I can’t explain I had more energy but felt not really like myself at all. More indifferent . More motivation but still feeling totally off. Now tho over the past week and a half a crash had been setting in . I noticed I was getting super super fatigued brain fog getting worse. Anxiety returning
Ti itus screaming. Gradually its chaiiped away to where I’m.back spending all day in bed. I CAn NOT put my phone down. I am constantly scrolling and opening and closing apps like OCD. I am so lonely and the depression and inadequacy are all too real. Im 38 and realizing now how bad my life is truly going to be with this. Who can ever date me? Derealization is screaming. My skin my body. My poor body. Skin is utterly destroyed all over. I stink like battery acid. Guys I’m going downhill fast. I know those days where I felt okay were going to be met with a vigirous punishment. A deep depression and anhedonia are setting in. The song that made.me.cry even a month ago does nothing to me.now. I’m feeling switched off and in pain. How in the fuck am.i supposed to carry on? I don’t feel human. No connection to the world around me. I look like absolute shit. I’m really slipping now

#204

We’re here, brother. Reach out if you need to talk.

1 Like
#205

My dude that’s awful and I’m so sorry youre suffering this
I know it’s hell
But you must ride the storm and rest as much as you can
I had the same thing exactly years ago and I was terrified of the idea of not getting back

Compete derealization
No emotion
No sleep

But a month later I got through it
Stay strong brother
We are here for you
This is a temporary storm

#206

I’m totally fucked. I’m like a zombie. I went from feeling very much not like myself but had energy to.now I feel absolutely shut off and I can barely keep eyes open
Like under extremely heavy sedation and I’m derealized out of my mind
The nightmare never ends. Iam mentally demented I have nothing to say to my friends . My best friend was over and I was acting so weird and detatched and out of it she said she had to leave. I know it is because vibe is so bad

This is hell. I feel like a junkie nodding off here in the library right now. Injist want to go home.and lay in bed and that’s what I will do.now.

:frowning:

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#207

I’m so sorry dude

You will bounce back soon enough
It may take a bit of time

Was it anything in particular that set this recent bad stint off?
If you told I apologize I didn’t see and asking you to repeat it

#208

Nothing set it off I did nothing different. This is the crash setting in that I knew was coming and its setting in deep. This is a nightmare I am on derealization acid trip from hell.

What are we when not connected to out memories? I can’t remember anything. Literally Zero connection to myself or the world around me. I am far back deep in hell after being okay for a little.bit. my body and mind are buzzing with derealization and visual snow. Tinnitus screaming
Iam so mentally destroyed. God fucking damn it all.

I swear man this disease wants me dead. I can’t believe people can feel like this

1 Like