Bitter Pill

Member Stories
#1

Let me first say that I am F-ing pissed at Propecia and my doctor for prescribing this pernicious pill to m.e. At the time I was 18, at my sexual peak and enjoying it to say the least. I had a girl friend and the just the thought of her made me feel good about the world. Between her and all the women I had been with previous, there was this intangible elctricity that propelled my thoughts and actions, whether we kissed or just held hands it felt chemical and electric.I began taking the poison while we were still dating and things seemed fine, but looking up at myself then from this low point now, I see just how far I have fallen and how lots I have become sexually and in my life.
I loved women and I still do but its different its almost from a distance now eventhough I ,might be literally inside of one. I dont feel anymore, I dont get that horny feeling where your mind goes into tunnel vision, you begin to shiver and your body craves a sexual magnetism. Ive been demagnetized and even to the point where I questioned my sexuality and I never even considered men to sexually attractive in any way. But I began to feel femine, my body fat deposits changed to my butt and thighs and I got flabby moobs. I begain to feel so emotional and I began to have panic attacks. This was so far from where i was before the drug a three sport athlete with a 4.7% body fat and an insataible appetite for women whether in person or in the pornographic form.
Now i dont even think i want a bj or any form of sexual gratification because that innate pull isnt there anymore. I dont even know how love, or dating is supposed to feel anymore. I just want to be horny again, or in love or even lust, but I’m dead to itall.
I took proscar at an average of 2mg a day for a year from Jul2005 to Aug2006. And its been a delcline the whole time and I only realized it wholly in the fall of 2007 when i put 2 and 2 together recognizing my panic attacks, my loss in interest in women and porn, my watery semen, depression, being overly emotional at times when i never was.
Anecdotally I remember vividly a stark contrast between sexual encounters pre-proecia and about 5 months in. My last satisfying and normal encounter unfolded as one who never has experienced the horrors of propecia would always expect. I was at a party and saw an attractive girl and got that sorta love buzz that you would expect and urge to talk and flirt in hopes to get in her pants. I was nevrvous and exicited around her, anyways I played my cards right and we ended up in my bed and it was amazing the hormones were in complete control my body was in complete connection with hers and pleasure consumed my brain. Fast forward 5 months and little did I know at the time but I was just going through the motions, there was no love buzz it was empty. I got in bed with a girl and things felt amiss there was no tension or drive I knew something was wrong like the lines that connected me to women had been severed. and so Ive been living like this for the past four years no real drive to have sex or masterbate even though my mind wants to. I feel like all things would be solved if i just got that normal arroused feeling again.

Thats my rant and my feelings that I have felt the past four years after propecia ruined my college experience and made me lose the only woman I may ever have loved because I dont know if love is chemical and hormonal and being removed from all those emotions makes one apathetic and lost. -------------> Forward even more I started taking DIM an anti-estrogen supplement and I quit drinking for the past 3 months, both of these have had a profound and undeniable impact on my life vibes, i feel like I’m starting to dance in step again but slowly. Women are starting to arrouse some kind of primitive and divine emotion in me again but very subtley, almost not enough to talk about because it might fade away. I just want to rip the balls off the Merk corp so maybe they can feel how we have felt. A disillusionment with the thing that makes us human, love. Because we have seen the dark side the fact that man is driven by his balls and the perfect balance of hormones and chemicals there is no invincible love force only biology. We are no lonfer plugged in to the system that drives 99% of this world we are in the shadows. we cant find comfort in the arms of a lover, we are alone and i hope and pray for the day that everyone who has been sidelined by this drug can recover and feel the warmth and vibrations of another and know that everything is right in the world again.

3 Likes
#2

“We are no longer plugged in to the system that drives 99% of this world we are in the shadows”

So true… i feel the same way. It’s a misserable feeling, feeling all alone even if you’re not. We really are robots responding to the chemicals present in our bodies… If you need any help ripping merck’s balls of im with you.

#3

InLimbo1,

Great post, i feel your pain, keep strong.

#4

Very articulate.

All you can do is keep going and trying to get back to where you should be. We’ve all felt/feel those feelings and understand exactly where you’re coming from. You can never stop trying to get better.

#5

Wow, what a great way of putting things. I think what compounds the loneliness is that we can’t talk to anyone who would understand. Have you guys ever tried to explain how you feel to “normal” people? What a disaster that is…they just don’t get it.

#6

It’s one of those things that you have to have happen to you to understand. People just think you are crazy otherwise. It’s to devastating for “normal” people to understand or even grasp what it must be like to live in that state. It does help to talk about it at first, but then you also can’t dwell on it. Trying to get out there and live, even if in this fucked up state, still helps. I don’t know about you guys, but I can only sit inside at my computer for so long.

#7

So true, so true…
I’m expected to continue on as if everything is normal, but how and why?? The very impetus and reason that pulled me through life before was the motivation to look good and be successful to attract the right women and then to preocreate with her. Thats why I took propecia in the first place so I could continue to be a viable player in the dating game, and for my vanity i was punished and been driven 180 degrees and 180miles in the other direction from my intent. I just cant find the motivation in myself to do, well, anyhthing anymore. I dont even want to get up in the morning only to feel that hollowness that resides in my balls and my brain, the place that used to be filled with something that no one knows they have until its gone. Im constantly tugging at my balls to feel something, ha but thats not normal I only used to tug at my balls when they itched.
Everyone in my life thinks that it is just simple depression that has taken the wind out of my sails. And yes I too try to explain and it just turns into another way to push people even further from me because not only do they think know im depressed but they think I’m a irrational looney tune. I’ve had college friends for four years who dont even know the real me!!! They think I’m some quiet, irascible, pushover with no interest in getting laid and playing sports. A chronic depressive who would rather sleep through the day then go to the beach. Oh shit man.
Ive always been too inside my head, but the hormones always kept me in check you know. The voice in me would be nervous and say don’t go talk to that girl, or don’t defend your self, or dont go in for the kiss, but then the hormones the god damn id would take over and control my actions and it would feel good like for a moment that timid voice in my head would shut up and let my body and mind go on a hands free wild ride.
What I’m saying is we are all so stuck in our heads now, controlled by the superego or some shit. There is no counterbalance to our rational heads, no breaks from depressing cycles no bell that signals recess where we can just be free and feel happy. I just wish my mind would shut the f–k up and stop questioning everything, but it never will until my hormones or chemicals or whatever it is returns and says SHUT THE F–K UP on their own and take over my body for those mindless and exilerating moments that life is all about. I want recess!! Ive been stuck inside a classroom for four years at the same desk alone with only my thoughts while everyone else is screwing eachother on the swingset.

Im so glad I can talk to people who understand, you guys are an assurance that I’m not alone. I dont think I have ever spoken to some one who understood. I promised I wouldnt cry but these damn side effects…im gonna go watch the notebook

#8

InLimbo1,

If i can suggest you something, it is to read about spirituality and religion. Research and find something you identify with. I know it will not cure anything, or make things back the way they were, but surely you ll find some relief, at least temporary. It may give you the temporary break you’re asking for. I suggest you read “The Spirit’s Book” by Allan Kardec.

Now, physically, the first step is to have your hormones measured. I don’t know if you’ve done that yet. Keep strong, good luck.

#9

thanks correiovip, you are right, focusing energy and intent on other matters is a very positive thing to do for mind and body. The mental thought process and cycles that our heads go through are enemies to a centered and peaceful being. So yes I have been looking into Buddhism, with the exact intent of quieting the mind and feeling a connection again with the world, but I just dont have the patience so I turn to the bottle, or I did, to shut that voice up. A noteworthy advocate of the buddhist mentality is Eckhart Tolle, he says that voice in our heads is the enemy and we need to click out of it constantly by using koans, or mind vexing realizations and tricks that snap the conscious flow of thought and tune us into the wide world for a brief moment. It helps to put a stop to depressing cycles of thoughts for a while but then it all comes back. I just pray to St. Jude frequently in hopes that a change will come.

#10

I hear ya, go out and live, but how can I live life when I lost the capacity to enjoy anything? It’s not that I’m depressed, it’s just that I don’t care. So I’m supposed to go out and socially interact and enjoy life, but I can’t derive pleasure from doing these things, so what is the point? Everything just seems so pointless, I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

#11

I hear everything that you are saying. It’s not that you have to go out and interact socially, because this usually causes stress when your brain is not ready to do this. I would just go out on my own. I spent ALOT of time alone. Go out and try to be outside, walk, fish, do things on your own and try to feel the day. Try and just be. Now, the reason we have trouble doing this is because the gaba channels are fucked up. These are the parts of the brain that “let us be.”

You also have to always be doing something to push yourself in the right direction, always. Time will only do so much. You have to push yourself towards the goal. Just like working out, you have to use it. I don’t know if this is coming across the right way…When you work out, it is hard and uncomfortable to do the exercise at first, but when you keep doing it, your body becomes used to it and it becomes easier. People think the brain is different than the body and to some extent it is, but people also don’t understand how pliable and changeable the brain is. It IS, you just have to do the right things to get it back to where you want it. Just like lifting that weight is uncomfortable in the beginning, so are the mental gymnastics. Actually, they are harder then lifting the weight. They are more uncomfortable, so people tend not to do the right things to get there brain back.

You need to slowly get yourself back into the social scene. Start slow. Hang with just a few select people, even if it’s just family. You need the interaction. Then go out from there.

Get on the right supplements, eat the right food, work out (hard), read. I used to have very bad difficulties reading until I started forcing myself to do it. I would literally have to read one word at a time to let it sink in. It was like I was retarded.

Expect change. Welcome it. Don’t dwell on what is wrong, dwell on what it right. This all may seem like a bunch of feel good crap to alot of you, but it is the truth. I’ve been following a good path for the past two years since I’ve been off the drug and I was very, very bad. Mentally and physically. I can pass for normal now. I keep getting better day in and day out. I never stopped pushing towards my goal. You just can’t stop…

#12

As an artist myself(or used to be-before fin?still trying to be?)
that was BEAUTIFUL man!

#13

Im more confused now about this shit than ever. Here’s my weird take and mind bending, psychologically perplexing messed up revelations.

First I don’t have any idea still what has caused my problems. I’m pretty sure it’s low DHT and high estrogen. So I quit drinking and began taking DIM 4 months ago now and I sincerely thought I was better, but now I’ starting to think that was placebo. Although there were some definite undeniable phsyical signs. First afew pimples returned to my face, before propecia I had a pretty good crop of them on my face then they magcially disaperared when i bgain the drug and never came back until now. Next my hair is greasier and smellier than usual and finally I morning wood almost everyday. BUT there is no libido AND itgets even weirder…I dont get turned on by anything anymore I have to force myself into action but once I get going it begins to feel 45% of what it used to feel, the porn becomes engrossing and somewhat exciting, not nearly where it used to be but something begins to churn in my head. And my theory is that this is DHT rushing into my brain and begining to act again. When I’m done i feel more sexually in touch, not horny, than i did before I even started which is the complete opposite of a normal person, but once again i attribute this to the rush of DHT. then later it seems the DHT wears off and im back to my languid self and i know i weill never get a orny feeling at all unless i force myself. Im really confused here, really pissed off, im only 23 I should not have to be writing this shit, I should be excited about a date tonight and getting horny over thought that this girl might go down on me or i might get to see some tits. Even if I had a date, whcih I never will beacuse nothing in my head or body tells me to give a shit anymore, I wouldn’t care, I wouldn’t even act like right because being around women feels so blah now that it;s like taking my grandma out to brunch. its devastating to know you cant enjoy life anymore

#14

A POSITIVE UPDATE…
Pretty much I have realized that over the past 4 years or so I was inadvertently putting myself through a transexual hormone regimen haahaha—and this has been the cause of ALL my problems. I took 1.75 mg daily of proscar which was my antiandrogen of course, but then on top of that I drank excessively. Being in college I drank on average prolly 40 beers a week and prolly a 1/5 of hard alcohol. This excessive drinking does a number on estrogen levels, in fact the introduction of alcohol in the system immediately and exponetntially increases estorgen levels to an extent that I was shocked to hear.
So the whole time my AR activity has been shutdown I’m pumping estrogen into my system!!!------What were the effects? The same as transexuals going through treatemtn!!! Fat deposits in thighs, hips and butt and chest I got so much fat in these areas that I have stretch marks now, I also didn’t gain any fat in my abdomen a place where men are supposed to gain fat but FUCK i had HIPS and flabby thighs. Also my face turned feminine and i didnt have a pimple ever again. My sexual problems also correlate with transexuals—I got watery semen, loss of morning erections and overall libido I also began to suffer from panic attacks and sleep problems. My body odor changed and I could not feel smell or dseire the phermones of women anymroe. But even more my mind changed my perspective changed to that of a feminine nature—I was overly emotional, depressed and passive. Studies show that transexuals going through HRT have measured changes in brain mass specifically in the hypothalamus region. I was turning into a woman!!! Luckily female to male trans experience a masculinization of the brain so I believe i can recover.

Why am I so excited?? Because now I feel like I can do something about it all. I have a map of my misery and now I feel like I can find my way out. My goals are just to get as much T into my system as possible and get rid of as much E as possibel. I have been abstaining from alcohol for 5 months now and the fat in my thighs, butt and chest has subsided. Since having this target I feel 10X better than I did this time last year. I feel like i’m getting my mind and body back whereas before I felt totally lost and feminine, a stranger in my own body. I think allof this has a lot to do with some of your problems. We took a transsexual drug and not only did our bodies suffer but our minds did as well, impacting our sexuality and outlook.

I have new SCARY problems
#15

inLimbo1,

as crazy as that sounds, your about right. If our bodies were taking on more estradial than T we what would the outcome be?

I recall on a few occasions calling customer service to dispute errors for bills and being called “sorry Mam” , The first time I thought nothing and by the third time I was like WTF is going on here.

I agree that we should heal over time, but the question is how long do we have to wait? I definitely feel better than 4 months ago; and 4 months ago I felt better than 5 months ago. I just pray we can experience things very close to the way they used to be.

Are you taking anything right now to help your recovery? I just received new blood work and was debating wether to begin some type of treatment. I am just fearful of causing more side effects or making things worse. Today, after reading about SHBG and how it is secreted in the liver makes me think our livers may be more at risk by having to work harder to create SHBG. Most of us obviously have higher SHBG levels.

Is it more damaging to have low T levels over an extended period or to be putting a substance like TRT into our bodies? I’m starting to think the low T levels could be more damaging.

#16

mmn

#17

A Ball Zinger will give you better results, not to mention the price is way better. I’ve used both.

#18

Yes a ball Zinger, that’s what I plan on getting. How did it work for you? any side effects or problems?

A strange question to all…
In the first few months on propecia i experienced obvious and pressing changes in my prostate, urine patterns and all of that. I went more frequently and starting experiencing dribbling after I thought I was done. BUT even weirder I started to get this orgasmic feeling and pressure when I did certain lifts in the weight room ie; tricep pull down and anything else that seemd to put stress on the prostate. It was a feeling like if I kept going I would ejacualte on the spot (not from penis stimulation but from pressure on the prstate). Its fuckin weird but desperately true and I had never experienced it before and I had lifted weights for 4 years before. I knew it had something to do with the propecia. This problem persists to this day. Any of you expereience this?? Is it from an inflamed prostate?? My sexuals problems would soon follow along with everything else but from this I can say that this poison had an immediate and undenibale impact on the function of my prostate. What the fuck did propecia do to me???

#19

Look at the studies in FINASTERIDE STUDIES section on the prostate. Drug atrophies and involutes (loss of function) prostate tissue and likely associated nerves.

#20

The Zinger works great for me and I rarely ever take it off.