Bitter Pill

Member Stories
#21

Hello again, to the misfortunate vain.
It’s been years since I’ve been on this forum. Years. I made a choice to break the habit, the cycle, the search. It was too much to bare and I had a life to try to live. I was 19 when I began Propecia in 2005, the summer before my freshman year in college. The spring before I was in my “Mr. High School Charity Event” and a respected varsity athlete. Graduation came and I had my dreams waiting, my life only just burgeoning. I was tall, athletic, handsome and thought I was pretty damn funny too. I hardly had any hair loss, just a vanity streak fatefully attached to a healthy libido and even healthier ego. I took Propecia in July. July 2005.

Then, college happened…
4 years
4 Fucking, lost.
I remember losing myself everyday. The self I always was. It was like there was a warming and vibrant cloth work structure that was pulled away from my body and I remember the tearing moment by moment, symptom after symptom until I was no longer able to find comfort or peace in anything. I couldn’t feel anything–the warmth of a woman.
I became the tattered loss of an identity, cold and naked laying alone. Look up my previous posts for more detail. I can’t go into it without the shield of a broad metaphor. it’s too hard.
After college…
Tried and tried.
Wrote a novel or something, just anything, about the pain of not being able to move forward when everyone else just…does.
Tried some more as everything went by.

I’m less than a year away from thirty now.
I tried. I fucking tried with earnest with years of regimens: weights, DIM, diet…and then even taking in the ignorant perspectives of friends and family that ‘this is nothing’, ‘everyone goes through shit’, ‘you’re being paranoid’, ‘you’re fine, get out of your head.’ All the while my balls went soft, I grew hips, a fat ass and puffy lips.
They just don’t know.
The last girlfriend I had a healthy relationship before Propecia said to me, “What’s your problem? You’re a catch?” I tried to tell her.I told her my whole mind down to my fucking penis is broken…It’s just incomprehensible.

The world operates on the pervasive nature of a healthy libido and sexual identity. It's what drives people, whether they are fucking aware of it or not. I'm tired of being aware of that whole fucking deal. I wish I was like them oblivious like wile e coyote. Like I used to be and could have been when things were just second nature. I have lost all pursuit.  My dreams are dead because my libido, everything that made me feel like a competitive male. Nothing matters because I have lost the animal drive to procreate. I can hardly talk or even walk with questioning myself and how I fit or am perceived in this world in the 10 years since I took finasteride. Kids? if i even could anymore physically, I can't even perceive that emotionally. I haven't grown since I stopped myself with Propecia when I was 19.

My penultimate notion in this spreading stain of consciousness is that this is karma. This was meant to be for me because of my vanity and ego and the pain I caused others and the pain I might have caused others had I not taken this drug. And it is the only thing that keep me going. It makes me believe in God. It has to.
MJS

#22

I’m really sorry to hear about that man. I’m going through a weird/rough patch right now too, mentally speaking.

In all of this time, none of the symptoms improved at all?

#23

That’s the rub…I don’t know anymore. The impact was so sudden and powerful that it sent me on a tangent that sent my mind and body spiraling since. I don’t even know if who I thought I was is real anymore or if it even was how I think I remember it. I am this person now who is incapable of any kind of a relationship, female intimacy or male friendship. I look at myself and I feel myself as stripped, feminized, lost and empty. Physically I feel stalled like I stopped growing into a man, but I don’t know if that is reality. I was never able to confidently go through any mature sexual and emotional developmental experiences. The whole time people were growing up having meaningless sex leading to the most meaningful, I was existentially lost because suddenly one day I didnt feel anything anymore except the anxiety of not feeling. Nowadays I get the occasional morning wood and even a really present sex dream that makes me realize how I used to feel when I was with a girl. But it has never worked out in the real world. There have been many times since propecia where I’ve been with women, I’ve had girlfriends one night stands, its been nothingness. I just feel empty and incapable like I could pop a viagra and be hard but still not feel the moment. Something is missing. The tension. The feeling of not knowing where she ends and you begin. Something I knew so powerfully from before, that werewolf mentality, and the guilt of not having that feeling makes me useless. Then I look at my feminized body and feel worse. But everybody is different. There is hope in curtailing acute side effects with a healthy lifestyle because in the end there is a macro endocrine effect that every male feels: the more T the better and so on…And that may be true for me and for the most affected but the mind is powerful too and now I don’t know where my mind begins and this propecia mentality ends.

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#24

^^^ I meant unfortunate. Brain fog.

#25

Old thread but was willing tocsay bodybuilders that start finasteride, while having enough of testosterone and dht, aslo seem to change by using finasteride.

#26

A very good thread. PFS described perfectly by inlimbo during Dec 15. I’m sure many can relate to his words, losses , the emptiness that becomes our 24/7 life. I hope he found himself again, I hope we all do one day :pray:

2 Likes
#27

This hit me way harder than I would have liked.

@inLimbo1 sure had a way with words. I hope he’s feeling a little better these days. He even mentioned a novel he wrote, I would like to read it.

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#28

“I loved women and I still do but its different its almost from a distance now eventhough I ,might be literally inside of one. I dont feel anymore, I dont get that horny feeling where your mind goes into tunnel vision, you begin to shiver and your body craves a sexual magnetism. Ive been demagnetized and even to the point where I questioned my sexuality and I never even considered men to sexually attractive in any way. But I began to feel femine, my body fat deposits changed to my butt and thighs and I got flabby moobs. I begain to feel so emotional and I began to have panic attacks. This was so far from where i was before the drug a three sport athlete with a 4.7% body fat and an insataible appetite for women whether in person or in the pornographic form.
Now i dont even think i want a bj or any form of sexual gratification because that innate pull isnt there anymore. I dont even know how love, or dating is supposed to feel anymore. I just want to be horny again, or in love or even lust, but I’m dead to itall.”

This is exactly my experience as well… Literally everything.

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