Lately, I’ve been thinking about where I fit in the world. This used to be a no-brainer, until fin hit, and suddenly the usual venues (bars, clubs, dates, parties, high-stress offices) didn’t pan out. So for awhile I just stood back, watching the world–not being a full participant. So here’s what I’ve realized. Most of our lives, we try to figure out what we want to be. But I think it’s better to ask: where do I want to be? As in a real, physical place. What I’ve thought most about is what environment is best for me right now. Maybe it’s our animal nature, but each of us functions better in certain environments than others.
The thing is, most of us don’t fully enjoy the things we used to. We’re tired. Withdrawn. Isolated. Yet there are still many places where I do feel comfortable, shine, and stand out. While I don’t always feel passion like I did, there’s still a spark.
To see my future, I’ve had to look hard at my past. Before fin, what things did you excel at? Who did you enjoy being around? What did people see in you? As I look back, what I enjoyed most, I still do. Writing. Conversation. Traveling. Working out. Religious services. Yes, a number of things have dropped off the list: dating (sadly), parties, concerts where I have to stand for a long time, bars, etc. But when I look at my goals, I don’t think they’ve shifted much from 10 years ago. And when friends and co-workers describe me, I hear the same things I’ve heard all my life. So I haven’t changed that much.
What I keep going back to is this: our minds, memories, and spirit are what will keep us going. A lot of us feel like echoes of our former selves. Pay attention to that echo. Listen to it. It’s still you. The more I stay anchored in that identity, the more I’m able to forge ahead with my plans. I know it’s incredibly hard to go out when you feel tired, disconnected, like a blank, empty vessel. I get stuck too. I don’t follow my advice every day. For me, it’s mind over matter. I have to reason myself to do things even if I don’t feel like doing them.
The year I see ahead has me in a lot of same places I imagined I would be. I hate cliches, but the Woody Allen trope that 90% of life is showing up is kinda true.