Not feeling good

Hi guys,

So basically a couple of weeks ago, around the second week of June, shortly after I turnt 20, I decided to give the gym a go. After quite a bit of improvement and encouragement from family, my therapist, I decided that it was time to try and grab this bull by the horns and kick it’s ass. I was starting to see some really good days, the last time I tested my testosterone it came back pretty high, I didn’t generally seem to have bad effects after orgasm unless I was already not in the best state and as long as I kept it to like 1x a day. Sexually I’d improved a ton, but mentally I was still not in a consistently liveable place. So I went for it, and I crashed. Temporarily had ED, severe depression and anhedonia, suicidal thoughts, just the general nightmare one gets when one is in a bad state. I had a benzodiazepine that I hadn’t taken for a while, so I decided to take it an average of 3-4x a week for about 2 weeks. Then I cut it out and stuck to just usual baclofen dose (which I was also taking at the time for good quality sleep which was often linked to my mood). All seemed to be improving until one day, I bumped my head. It wasn’t a completely benign bump but it was much much milder than the bump that caused my concussion almost a year ago, that resulted in LOC, etc etc. and I had bumped my head harder in the past after my concussion. That concussion resulted in some pretty serious misery and I had a lot of terrible symptoms due to the lack of sleep that resulted in me eventually trying an antidepressant called vortioxetine for about 2 days. Long story short, it crashed me hard, then I bounced back within about a week or so and that kick started a months long period of improvement. Right now I’m worried because of the state that my sleep is in. The lack of it really catches up to me sometimes and I’m often dreaming really intensely.

I’m really frustrated with the position I am in my life right now because I feel like I’ve to carry the burden of living with this disease, while accommodating my dad’s (who is a GP) belief that I am simply going through a period of depression and doing a bad job of handling it because he can’t handle the possibility that there is something seriously wrong with me. I appreciate some of the reasons behind why he chooses to believe this, but obviously his resultant treatment of me (“get your shit together or we’re moving somewhere else”, “work so hard and stress just for you to waste my money”, etc.), some of it because I’m simply trying to take care of myself such as ordering food in because we can afford it rather than just… not eating because that’d have a negative impact on my symptoms, or going out when I’m in a good state/bad state to try and appreciate the positive energy that I have/to try and get used to going on with life even when things aren’t optimal, it’s just really weighing me down. His brother/my uncle, who’s also a really good person, as well as pretty much everyone who he’s close to, are of the same belief as him and it’s all reinforced by the doctor visits I’ve had leading to nothing remarkable being found. They’ve hinted that if things don’t improve, I’ll be institutionalized to be treated with medications against my will, so that’s kinda shit. I’m positive that’ll cause the kind of damage where sustaining really doesn’t remain an option anymore so I’d like to avoid that. I don’t want to die, I want to take care of the people I love like my mom, my dad, my girlfriend, my brother, and I want to do good things for them and myself but things just feel so difficult right now. I’m trying to see the light but I don’t know what to do anymore. I might try Ketamine or Psilocybin soon as I’ve read that the latter has improved some PFS patients, but I don’t have any further leads where I feel the risk outweighs the potential benefits. Idk, i just needed to get a lot of this out and I hope everyone else is doing well.

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Hey Borax,
It’s good to get stuff off your chest as dealing with this condition can feel like you have a massive anchor constantly weighing you down, you’ll always have support here, it saddens me that your pretty much the same age as me and I know how much of a rollercoaster ride this can all be, constant ups and downs not knowing when you’ll be able to get off and step back into normality, its insanely hard for anyone to deal with.

I’m sorry to hear about you dad, initially I had a hard time getting my family to believe me and actually broke down on front of my aunt, who saw how messed up I was by the whole thing. Even if your dad doesn’t believe you, is there anyone else in your family you trust who can hear you out, I know you said your uncle believes your dad but is there anyone else maybe on your mum’s side or someone who you’re really close with? if you get support off them maybe your dad will listen? Sometimes people have tunnel vision and can’t see the bigger picture, if it’s out of the norm it can be harder to get people on board.

Your comment saying
“I’ll be institutionalized to be treated with medications against my will” sounds awful, is that even legal to do? I certainly know over here nobody’s allowed force you to take meds against your will.
I really hope that doesn’t happen and you can get things sorted with your dad, you seem like a very intelligent lad so as I said, if there’s anyone at all you can speak to in your family, get in contact with them and let them hear you out.

I guess I can also imagine for a parent it might be hard to accept the truth, maybe sometimes we just don’t want to believe something as bad as this condition can happen, because what do you say to the person who’s suffering? People are afraid of what they don’t understand.

Keep strong my friend and I hope your sleep gets a little better like it did before, if you improved even slightly once, I’m sure you have the capacity to get a little better again. :heart:

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I bumped my head and stopped sleeping for a few days. That bump has worsened my condition, before then I was recovering. We need a warning on the forum telling guys to be wary of hitting their head and avoiding contact sports.

I’d avoid experimenting with Ketamine or Psilocybin. You don’t really know the affects it will have on your PFS. Guys seem to tolerate micro dosing but I wouldn’t go beyond that. There’s prep medication for improving anhedonia. Somebody also posted a combination treatment on here for anhedonia which is getting results in another forum.

This goes out to anyone but if you are worrying about the same thing for more than a week go speak to a counsellor/therapist. Even if it means just making a private appointment with someone online and discussing the concern. Top business people do this all the time. Share your problems with a professional and work through them. The issue is not PFS, the issue is dealing with fear, worry, anxiety etc. Focus on the present. Strip away those future concerns and be mindful.
We have to find balance and not continue to push ourselves until something breaks.

Hi Borax. It is good to hear from you after a while.

Very sorry to hear about how your father is treating you over this. It sounds as if you are in a down-right hostile environment.

Is it possible for you to live independently? I would personally rather scrounge for money to get by, than tolerate threats from someone who doesn’t understand what you are dealing with.

Do everything you can to avoid this, as this will likely worsen your condition.

Also, regarding your father’s opinion, even though it will probably make you angry, bear in mind that most of us have dealt with this as well. It’s not his fault to not understand it, especially when medical professionals tell him that there is no problem. Just avoid any conflict.

I would recommend you to stay away from any drug or hormone (especially antidepressants, benzos, etc.) at least for a year, try to stay away from home as much as you can during the day, avoid intense exercise (because in many cases of PFS it makes things work), and try just light exercise, walks, etc.

You’ll see how in some time ( please be a little patient) things will get much better, especially mentally.

I didn’t bump my head but my sleep has also been devastated. My fin insomnia was re-triggered by eating the wrong things and it’s been on going for almost 4 months now. I can’t even work or take care of myself right now because of the crushing fatigue I struggle with every day. To already struggle with chronic insomnia and a learning disability then to have finsomnia on top is just too much.

I feel pretty hopeless about my situation most days. I live with my aging parents who take care of me and I won’t be able to survive on my own. They and I are eager for me to get back to work but I know I am not ready for fear of crashing even harder. Miraculously, they’re pretty understanding. For that I can’t be more grateful. I too wish I had the capacity not only to take care of myself but to take care of my parents as I feel that is my obligation and duty as their son, but reality can’t be farther away from this desire. They’re so good to me and I cry whenever I think about how much I’ve failed them.

What the fuck is your Dad’s problem, though? If a medication caused such a severe reaction in his son, whether he believes it or not, why on earth would he even consider doubling down and subjecting you to a cocktail of psychiatric meds under lock and key. What have you tried to convince him that PFS exists? Maybe he won’t listen to you, but he might listen to another health professional. Maybe you can reach out to one of the doctors who are a part of the PFS foundation for their word.

Right now I’m too afraid to take anything to help my condition. I’ve read that thread you’re referring to regarding someone having a full recovery from shrooms, but it seems really risky. All I do is just walk, avoid stress, and force myself to meditate as much as I can whenever I can muster up the motivation.

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You may think this is surprising but this has happened many times to people of this forum, myself included. I think the best thing is to accept that his father won’t change his mind (because as unacceptable as it may seem, he won’t) and keep going until the knowledge about PFS is more widespread in the medical community.

Hi @borax, sorry to hear about how hard things are for you right now. I can relate 100% to feeling like you are being made to carry the burden of your condition by yourself, and it’s a terrible spot to be in. Is there anybody you can talk to about your problems who will actually listen to and believe you, outside of this forum? I think that can be really helpful.

Also have to second the suggestion of my friend @Dubya_B above, that if you are able to live independently from your parents (I know that’s potentially a big if), you should go for that. Living in an environment where you’re constantly pressured not to let your true feelings show can be absolutely toxic for your mental wellbeing. It’s good that you’re able to recognise your dad is essentially a good guy, but that doesn’t mean he’s not treating you in a way that is extremely unhelpful and unfair, even if it comes from a place of ignorance.

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I second this! There’s seriously something wrong with him if you are doign the best you can to carry your own weight and he is threatening you for being distressed about health concerns. Even the threat of leaving home might encourage him to reconsider his actions.

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I’m really scared, it’s been a while and i’ve been feeling similar to my old crash days. I had some improvements in between but recently realized i’ve been consuming hydrolyzed soy protein in something that i’ve been eating. I don’t know where to go from here. Hope you’re all doing well.

Stay strong brother…
We know it is hard but you need to hang and chin up…
Anticipating the worse will not make it any better…
The more you are into it, the more you tame the beast…

Hey man, stay strong. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I feel you with the parents thing, i’m going through almost the same thing… we’re around the same age too, i also turned 20 this year. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to. I wish you the best.

Really concerned because i took it for somewhere around 10 days and just stopped about 2 days ago. Hoping to go back to baseline because although life was difficult, I was in a somewhat manageable state and getting closer to who I wanted to be. I’m currently doing a course in medicinal chemistry on edX a couple of nights a week, if anyone wants to join me feel free to message me.

Thank you for your words.

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Thank you

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We have to support each other cause this place is where you will find comfort…
This drug has done harm to you, don’t put another strain on you…
We are all in the same shoes… We cycle our fears… I might feel shit in two days and maybe you will offer comfort, that is how it goes… Looking forward to the chat function as we will be able to interact even better and help people…
Even though it sucks, it is an ultimate human experience… I feel very grateful to modestly offer support. I used to be a selfish prick :D.

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Sup with your dad bro?

Any chance you can live independently? Or change his mind?

Show him the foundation or something!

Feel better soon brother, and PM me if you want to talk!! Seriously, if you don’t then I will :slight_smile:

You’ll get through this @borax you have been here before and you got better you’ll do it again.

Just how he is. Unfortunately living on my own isn’t an option as I wouldn’t be able to afford it. I got a bit better for a bit and now haven’t been doing so well this past week. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Why can’t you afford? Can you take a job?

Let me guess, the dilemma is that you are at college?