Hi guys,
So basically a couple of weeks ago, around the second week of June, shortly after I turnt 20, I decided to give the gym a go. After quite a bit of improvement and encouragement from family, my therapist, I decided that it was time to try and grab this bull by the horns and kick it’s ass. I was starting to see some really good days, the last time I tested my testosterone it came back pretty high, I didn’t generally seem to have bad effects after orgasm unless I was already not in the best state and as long as I kept it to like 1x a day. Sexually I’d improved a ton, but mentally I was still not in a consistently liveable place. So I went for it, and I crashed. Temporarily had ED, severe depression and anhedonia, suicidal thoughts, just the general nightmare one gets when one is in a bad state. I had a benzodiazepine that I hadn’t taken for a while, so I decided to take it an average of 3-4x a week for about 2 weeks. Then I cut it out and stuck to just usual baclofen dose (which I was also taking at the time for good quality sleep which was often linked to my mood). All seemed to be improving until one day, I bumped my head. It wasn’t a completely benign bump but it was much much milder than the bump that caused my concussion almost a year ago, that resulted in LOC, etc etc. and I had bumped my head harder in the past after my concussion. That concussion resulted in some pretty serious misery and I had a lot of terrible symptoms due to the lack of sleep that resulted in me eventually trying an antidepressant called vortioxetine for about 2 days. Long story short, it crashed me hard, then I bounced back within about a week or so and that kick started a months long period of improvement. Right now I’m worried because of the state that my sleep is in. The lack of it really catches up to me sometimes and I’m often dreaming really intensely.
I’m really frustrated with the position I am in my life right now because I feel like I’ve to carry the burden of living with this disease, while accommodating my dad’s (who is a GP) belief that I am simply going through a period of depression and doing a bad job of handling it because he can’t handle the possibility that there is something seriously wrong with me. I appreciate some of the reasons behind why he chooses to believe this, but obviously his resultant treatment of me (“get your shit together or we’re moving somewhere else”, “work so hard and stress just for you to waste my money”, etc.), some of it because I’m simply trying to take care of myself such as ordering food in because we can afford it rather than just… not eating because that’d have a negative impact on my symptoms, or going out when I’m in a good state/bad state to try and appreciate the positive energy that I have/to try and get used to going on with life even when things aren’t optimal, it’s just really weighing me down. His brother/my uncle, who’s also a really good person, as well as pretty much everyone who he’s close to, are of the same belief as him and it’s all reinforced by the doctor visits I’ve had leading to nothing remarkable being found. They’ve hinted that if things don’t improve, I’ll be institutionalized to be treated with medications against my will, so that’s kinda shit. I’m positive that’ll cause the kind of damage where sustaining really doesn’t remain an option anymore so I’d like to avoid that. I don’t want to die, I want to take care of the people I love like my mom, my dad, my girlfriend, my brother, and I want to do good things for them and myself but things just feel so difficult right now. I’m trying to see the light but I don’t know what to do anymore. I might try Ketamine or Psilocybin soon as I’ve read that the latter has improved some PFS patients, but I don’t have any further leads where I feel the risk outweighs the potential benefits. Idk, i just needed to get a lot of this out and I hope everyone else is doing well.
