Below are some notes I want to leave here.
Just once i want to sit on a sunday with someone and be able to laugh with no worries.
When every smile i make doesnt make me realize my future is dark. When i laugh its just a laugh and not a cry inside. Just once
Its crazy the mechanisms the mind resorts to cope with this endless suffering.
You imagine all this, all of this happening to someone else like youre the audience and you are just watching a movie. And then you only feel the crushing weight of it all when you remember briefly that youre the lead actor.
“Office, work, studies, crazy things, love, breakup.”
You cant talk about a single one of these topics. Not a single real thing. You cant grow to understand anyone and neither can they. All i can do is talk about stuff thats far away. Stuff that doesnt matter. Make jokes crack a smile and then stop when the other person really starts to want to understand you.
No use progressing in career because for what am i earning.
No use for studies, masters is not gonna get me out of this and if i don’t get out of this then everything is futile.
Crazy things, hahahhahaha. I cant even think about crazy things anymore because I have only a single thought left. This condition.
Love. I dont know how to explain to someone what i have lost, the ability itself to feel love. Its heartrending.
Breakup. No ones ever even gonna come close to falling in love. People want to avoid breakups, and here i am wishing i d even be eligible for one someday.
People love to judge me like ive given up. Every 15 minutes I go through my checklist again.
Everything that i have done to heal. Every single thing i ve tried.
Maybe theres something I can still do.
Please, please, please let this all be in my mind.
Please let this be a mental block.
I go through all the actions that I ve tried.
I go through this journey knowing the disappointment that awaits me at the end. And thus 15 minutes are over.
Another 15 minutes come up and another slot on the conveyor belt that goes into the incinerator.
You just sit there and watch people move ahead with their lives. Watch them live, watch them fall in love. Watch them face adversity and then overcome it. Watch them grow. Watch them and see that they are working towards their happiness, no matter how small their steps. Help someone whos stuck. Help them move forward. But youre still there. Still stuck on that same spot.
You know, its the worst thing in the world. When you know your actions are futile. Why laugh now when you know the road is dark. Not dark far ahead. Its dark the next step. You’re gonna read this and think im not living the moment. The ability to feel good, to feel a single speck of happiness itself was torn away from my hands. Till when i provide palliative care which doesnt even work. When the situation is unacceptable yet theres no solution. Just stuck in this hell. No grooves in the wall for me to climb over. Walls made of adamantium so i scratched it bloody but not a single groove formed.
So why maintain this facade, and then you think whats left to do. Nothing.
How do you run from your mind. You ever have these situations where you want to get away from the affecting environment? How do you run from your mind. Suppose you get away from office and end up in a pub, no difference because changing the place doesnt matter. Changing anything doesnt matter. Theres no escaping this. Every second.
Every smile is filled with pain. Imagine. Each smile. Why am i still trying to live. Ive lost do much i dont even remember what every other person has. They aren’t gifted, they are just normal people. Im missing out on even rhe basic experience of being human.
My life is like a cracked porcelain Doll, im using all of my strength to hold it together and i cant focus on anything else. But theres no payoff, no reward for me holding it together. Im gonna keep holding it until i cant and i die
21 march 2020
Its been so long. Iam 25 now. 5 years. 60x60x24x365x5. Its been so long since I have felt happy.
I have tried everything. I want to be happy. I dont want to be sad. I am a happy person.
I want to be able to think happy thoughts.
I want to be able to make someone smile
I want to be able to join in on conversations with people; when they discuss their lives, their pasts and their futures.
My friends marriage, and I cant be a part of the discussion because I ve lost the ability to even think how people have fun. How I used to have fun.
Yesterday everybody discussed their loves. I wanted to be able to say something then. They discussed their futures, i wanted to be able to say something. They discussed all the stuff theyve done in the past few years, I wanted to be able to talk about something I ve also done.
Its breaking my heart, its feels so unjust. Ill always be like this, just sitting and watching myself lose people. Feel despair until I finally kill myself. And I cant even imagine killing myself. So i ll just watch my life pass me by, powerless to make it better and unable to end the despair. I want to be happy. I just want a normal life. For 5 years, I havent felt it. It has been snatched away from me.
Ill just keep making my loved ones unhappy. Keep being a source of sadness to them. Ill just keep pushing them away from myself, even though that’s the last thing I want. When I do die, they ll break.
People think this is the real me. Dark, broken, quiet. Someone who cant make any decisions. Someone who doesnt take any initiative. Someone who just sits there, doesnt even join in on talks. They cant comnect to me because whenever we reach a topic in the conversation where something real is concerned, I cant say anything because I am stuck in this hell.
I wasnt quiet, i loved to talk to people. To come to know them. My maths teacher in 11th specially came and told me unsolicited,’ you can connect to people, .you are an extrovert ( i know weird thing to say out of the blue) '. My english teacher asked me to ‘take care of this person. You can make them happy’.
I have always tried to help people. Always tried to spread happiness. This is not me. I dont want to confront a dark future whenever i think anything.
I want my mind to be able to wander, to be able to think about useless stuff. I tried thinking of an example but even after a minute of thinking hard, I can’t. Normal people meander in their heads all the time. They don’t have to face despair every waking and every sleeping thought.