I am exhausted. I am ready to die

Coping
#1

Nothing new, same old story of endless suffering and unimaginable pain.

I always wanted to write a thread here first. But I dont have the motivation to even die. So this might help.

Ill try to bring more people here as this is the only site where concerted effort has taken place.

Recently I tried pelvic loosening exercises as I did notice my pelvic region hurts on the touch, the pain did go away in a few days of pelvic loosening ‘massages’ but I got even worse.
I am very sad guys. I have lost everything. Family, friends, love, sanity, passion, sleep, vocation. Everything.
I have tried exercising and exercising.

I was a happy person.It was just an acne pill. Regrets are the only thing left in me now.

You are all good people, all of you. You dont deserve to go through this.

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#2

Below are some notes I want to leave here.

Just once i want to sit on a sunday with someone and be able to laugh with no worries.
When every smile i make doesnt make me realize my future is dark. When i laugh its just a laugh and not a cry inside. Just once

Its crazy the mechanisms the mind resorts to cope with this endless suffering.
You imagine all this, all of this happening to someone else like youre the audience and you are just watching a movie. And then you only feel the crushing weight of it all when you remember briefly that youre the lead actor.

“Office, work, studies, crazy things, love, breakup.”
You cant talk about a single one of these topics. Not a single real thing. You cant grow to understand anyone and neither can they. All i can do is talk about stuff thats far away. Stuff that doesnt matter. Make jokes crack a smile and then stop when the other person really starts to want to understand you.
No use progressing in career because for what am i earning.
No use for studies, masters is not gonna get me out of this and if i don’t get out of this then everything is futile.
Crazy things, hahahhahaha. I cant even think about crazy things anymore because I have only a single thought left. This condition.
Love. I dont know how to explain to someone what i have lost, the ability itself to feel love. Its heartrending.
Breakup. No ones ever even gonna come close to falling in love. People want to avoid breakups, and here i am wishing i d even be eligible for one someday.

People love to judge me like ive given up. Every 15 minutes I go through my checklist again.
Everything that i have done to heal. Every single thing i ve tried.
Maybe theres something I can still do.
Please, please, please let this all be in my mind.
Please let this be a mental block.
I go through all the actions that I ve tried.
I go through this journey knowing the disappointment that awaits me at the end. And thus 15 minutes are over.
Another 15 minutes come up and another slot on the conveyor belt that goes into the incinerator.

You just sit there and watch people move ahead with their lives. Watch them live, watch them fall in love. Watch them face adversity and then overcome it. Watch them grow. Watch them and see that they are working towards their happiness, no matter how small their steps. Help someone whos stuck. Help them move forward. But youre still there. Still stuck on that same spot.

You know, its the worst thing in the world. When you know your actions are futile. Why laugh now when you know the road is dark. Not dark far ahead. Its dark the next step. You’re gonna read this and think im not living the moment. The ability to feel good, to feel a single speck of happiness itself was torn away from my hands. Till when i provide palliative care which doesnt even work. When the situation is unacceptable yet theres no solution. Just stuck in this hell. No grooves in the wall for me to climb over. Walls made of adamantium so i scratched it bloody but not a single groove formed.
So why maintain this facade, and then you think whats left to do. Nothing.
Hopelessness.

How do you run from your mind. You ever have these situations where you want to get away from the affecting environment? How do you run from your mind. Suppose you get away from office and end up in a pub, no difference because changing the place doesnt matter. Changing anything doesnt matter. Theres no escaping this. Every second.

Every smile is filled with pain. Imagine. Each smile. Why am i still trying to live. Ive lost do much i dont even remember what every other person has. They aren’t gifted, they are just normal people. Im missing out on even rhe basic experience of being human.

My life is like a cracked porcelain Doll, im using all of my strength to hold it together and i cant focus on anything else. But theres no payoff, no reward for me holding it together. Im gonna keep holding it until i cant and i die

21 march 2020
Its been so long. Iam 25 now. 5 years. 60x60x24x365x5. Its been so long since I have felt happy.
I have tried everything. I want to be happy. I dont want to be sad. I am a happy person.
I want to be able to think happy thoughts.
I want to be able to make someone smile
I want to be able to join in on conversations with people; when they discuss their lives, their pasts and their futures.
My friends marriage, and I cant be a part of the discussion because I ve lost the ability to even think how people have fun. How I used to have fun.
Yesterday everybody discussed their loves. I wanted to be able to say something then. They discussed their futures, i wanted to be able to say something. They discussed all the stuff theyve done in the past few years, I wanted to be able to talk about something I ve also done.

Its breaking my heart, its feels so unjust. Ill always be like this, just sitting and watching myself lose people. Feel despair until I finally kill myself. And I cant even imagine killing myself. So i ll just watch my life pass me by, powerless to make it better and unable to end the despair. I want to be happy. I just want a normal life. For 5 years, I havent felt it. It has been snatched away from me.

Ill just keep making my loved ones unhappy. Keep being a source of sadness to them. Ill just keep pushing them away from myself, even though that’s the last thing I want. When I do die, they ll break.

People think this is the real me. Dark, broken, quiet. Someone who cant make any decisions. Someone who doesnt take any initiative. Someone who just sits there, doesnt even join in on talks. They cant comnect to me because whenever we reach a topic in the conversation where something real is concerned, I cant say anything because I am stuck in this hell.

I wasnt quiet, i loved to talk to people. To come to know them. My maths teacher in 11th specially came and told me unsolicited,’ you can connect to people, .you are an extrovert ( i know weird thing to say out of the blue) '. My english teacher asked me to ‘take care of this person. You can make them happy’.

I have always tried to help people. Always tried to spread happiness. This is not me. I dont want to confront a dark future whenever i think anything.
I want my mind to be able to wander, to be able to think about useless stuff. I tried thinking of an example but even after a minute of thinking hard, I can’t. Normal people meander in their heads all the time. They don’t have to face despair every waking and every sleeping thought.

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#3

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I’ve been dealing with PFS for 2.5 years now, I got it when I was 18. Even now, 2.5 years later, there are days where I feel like shit. There are days where I feel ok. There are days I feel good. I just try to get through the bad ones and enjoy the good ones. I think it’s easier said than done, but I feel like it’s the right move. To try to take each day at a time as best as you can, and if you’re capable, aid in the efforts towards figuring this out. Maybe that’ll give you more of a sense of purpose and make things a bit easier.

Inshallah (/god willing, whatever you choose to believe in), we’ll figure this out and how to fix it in the coming years. In the meanwhile, just try to get through, and if you can, try to set yourself up for a better life once all of this is over. And if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM. I’ll try to be there as best as I can.

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#4

Thanks man,

I have been trying to aid in the efforts. I actually convinced 2 people to come here but I dont know if they actually have. I also messaged 10+ other people but communication is sparse.

Sadly I have no good days. I have taken iso twice, minox for 4 years, saw palmetto for 4 years, ketoconazole for 4 years. I have never had any improvement.

The reason I am posting is because I sadly dont have the life left in me to see myself losing everything for more years.

Thank you for taking your time out to talk to me. It means a lot.

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#5

I appreciate that you’ve tried to aid outreach efforts, every little bit helps.

I’m sorry to hear that.

Feel free to message whenever man, if you just wanna shoot the shit or talk about what’s bothering you. You’re not alone.

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#6

Sorry to hear about what you are dealing with. You have really good writing skills, read it almost like poetry lol.

Are you currently taking any supplements ?

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#7

I totally understand you man. Just a complete zombie. Dead but still alive. I am ready for this to end. I’ve been living for others long enough. This is too much.

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#8

I understand exactly how you feel, everything is pointless, nothing makes sense.

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#9

I have tried tribulua a lot of times, over months on and off. No effect, or worse.

I have taken others, maca ashwagandha dopa mucuna pruriens, creatine , l arginine you name it I will have taken it.

I have taken mifepristone in small quantities, i have taken naldextrone in small quantities.

Nothignv wokrs

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#10

I wish I could help but I don’t really have anything to say other than hang in there, and that sounds so trite and unhelpful. I’ve had PFS now since 2007, 13 years now. Has totally changed my world. Can’t drink, enjoy alcohol or party much any more. My friends who used to party with me have moved on. But I decided about 10 years ago that I was going to soldier on no matters what. I’m committed to dying of old age or natural causes. A good friend of mine committed suicide many years ago. I was crying when I told my parents he had died my dad said “He didn’t have to do that, we all die eventually”. My dad is now gone but those are words I go back to occasionally, as funny as it may seem, to give me strength. The struggle is hard. My dad’s favorite advice to me was “Always do your best”. Sometimes the best we can do is make it through the day. Hang in there and make it through every day one day at a time. Time will go by and some day we will get to the light at the end of the tunnel.

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#11

Have you tried changing your diet to keto or carnivore?

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#12

Guys are you serious?!
Keto diet is dangerous!
There’s not a silver bullet.
If keto diet works for some guys, probably that guys hadn’t PFS, they are just depressed hypocondriacs!
There is not a cure for PFS!

1 Like
#13

I thank each of you so much that youre replying here because it shows how much all of you care.

No I havent tried keto or carnivore diet because honestly its really hard to do so in India, grains are a staple part of every meal. Cooks and restauranrs and dishes and everything is geared towards having grains in each meal.

If there was a better track record of keto diets curing it, i guess I would try it.

1 Like
#14

What have you tried? All I see that you’ve listed are supplements

How about meditation and weight training? I did sprints last night uphill and felt much better than before I sprinted. I also laid down in the grass and started at the sun and :cloud: for 40 min. Great for vitamin D and for connecting with nature if regular meditation is too hard at this time.

I mean, really the pillars of health in general are exercise, meditation, diet, sleep. We need to be doing all of these IMO. This YouTube channel has really helped me in my dark times.

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#15

You have no idea what you’re talking about. So all the people who cleaned up their diets and got better are making it up? You’re paranoid

#16

All people who had success with a diet or protocol had light symptoms.
Ketogenic diet doesn’t work for brainfog, muscolar atrophy, dry eyes, dry skin, penile tissues change, hairloss, joints tendons ligments damages.
If you want live in the fantasy, ok, but don’t say bulls*it!

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#17

You don’t know that. I’ll continue to do the carnivore diet until I’m better. Meanwhile you can continue to feel sorry for yourself

#18

Hey guys, why we spwnt money for researxh! Stop Baylor study! PFS can be treated with Keto diet!
We found the cure!

Don’t be ridiculous.

I try to let see this place to many doctors and every time they saw a theory like this and told me we are just paranoid.
Stop with pseudo-science.

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#19

I agree with you. Tired of the diet and excercise talk. It’s all great and might help some VERY mild guys. But saying this type of damage is so easily fixable is belittling the severity of the condition.

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#21

@PAS, I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling so much. I know well how you feel - or, rather, don’t feel. I find it hard to put into words the sad reality of my situation because I simply feel so flat. The internal dialogue, imagination, constant stream of thoughts I knew all my life is not there anymore. Like you, I am devastated that this is simply not who I am.

The atrophic damage to my body makes it upsetting to even go to the bathroom. The constant pain I am in in my genitals/prostate/pelvic floor is excruciating and makes it difficult to sit down for any period. It’s simply never something I could take my mind off, even if my mind allowed that, which most of the time it doesn’t. As you say, it is not an external environment, it is now my own body and mind - something I cannot escape. After about a year my derealisation settled to the point I could sometimes read books and play computer games again, so I try to do this. Sometimes I can “like” doing it, relatively, but it’s highly performative and without any comparable emotional enjoyment as I could experience before this condition.

The lockdown surrounding the current pandemic, while transformative for others, has had little impact on my day given what I’ve adjusted to. Simply: Due to taking finasteride my life was transformatively ruined. I have had to adjust to constant suffering and isolation in what seems like one endless frozen moment of time, detached from the progression of my life before this. The maximal, dizzying height that my “quality of life” can now reach is a facsimile of the parts of other people’s lives that fit between any of the important things they do or pursue that give them happiness: Love, interpersonal connections, experiences, personal growth, dreams. Those are not available to me. I can at best achieve the parts such as watching TV or going to a cafe.

I was a very loving person who had many friends I felt were a family. I am now unable to connect with others and most of my empathy is a decision rather than a feeling. I hate being alone, but the feeling of isolation doesn’t shift when I spend time with people. Rather: The rewarding feeling of company is never there. The majority of interactions will make me cognitively exhausted. I have only a couple of friends now who I’m grateful for, but it’s never easy or natural.

I was lucky to have had a happy life before this and I am always appreciative of that. Whatever happens in the future, I know the time I endure isn’t a waste as I am doing all I can think to do to change things. I am grateful for my friends here doing the same. Although you may not be personally happy, @PAS, and your courage in holding it together may not have rewarded you yet, you are doing yourself and the world beyond you a service by persevering. The truth of what happened to you is you. You are needed, and will be needed, to put things right. There’s intrinsic value in doing the right thing, even if you have to struggle thanklessly. It’s important to keep fighting for the truth about the person you were, and really are. From one exhausted person to another: Thank you for your continuing courage in holding it together. Please keep doing it, because you’re definitely not alone. Maybe one day you’ll see the “better” that you deserve.

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