Has anyone considered trying to date again?

General Discussion
#70

a bad diet from when i was working overtime over a period of 2 weeks seems to have created the gut problem. but i wouldnt be surprised if PFS created the environment for me to be prone to it

it happened suddenly. since then a probiotic reversed it, and then i stupidly took another probiotic which put me back into this hell and made the original probiotic stop working

i have some potential solutions i can try to make the original probiotic work again but they are all risky. right now going through some physical therapy and some other interventions to improve my symptoms. if i can just be able to work consistently again without having to deal with the panic attacks that come with the stomach symptoms, id be atleast okay with riding everything out indefinitely

sorry for the rant, but ive never been as frustrated as right now.

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#72

not sure what you’re saying i should do but there’s only 1 way i can word it.

also, my sexual sides were more of “skin” sides. it was numbness. not dysfunction or ejaculation problems

#73

So you had genital numbness that recovered?

#74

Yeah as soon as I stopped the drugs I started recovering and within a few weeks I was back to normal

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#75

Hey guys.

A quick chip in from Denmark.

I’ve been suffering for 13 years (when i was 20). My libido was low and dick not working for 5 years, until i started to get better.

I started dating at 22 when I had NO libido what so ever. Gave me a hard time and lots of ups and downs. Though I never really got dumped because of my sexual sides. Actually girls were turned on by the fact that I was not really interested in that part of a relationship.

Today - after many dates and girlfriends - I am 80% back to normal when it comes to sexual sides. Still not perfect, but it’s working well enough for my wife.

We got 2 twin girls two months ago. :slight_smile: :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: So far they seem very health and thriving.

Even though I still struggle with bad digestion and prostatitis, the thing I’m most scared of is to be dying to young because of this. All in all i guess that’s a good place to be in.

Hang in there, you will get better over time! And give dating a shot. You will experience ups and downs, but that’s what life is all about.

/Morten

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#76

That’s great! That’s a story for us all to really strive for. That took a lot of determination to start dating when you were in a state of having no libido whatsoever. I wish I would’ve had that but I think for me at least the anxiety over being stuck in this hell and then having to try to talk about this with a potential partner, well that obsession and anxiety becomes as bad as the symptoms themselves.

Right now my mindset is changed and i can see myself dating and even just trying to hookup with some of the women i’m matching with (not in a disrespectful way of course). It almost doesn’t seem as big a deal to just say “So I came off a med years ago that really makes my libido fluctuate but if i need to I can take something that’ll help and i’m more than enthusiastic about giving oral sex” or something to that degree.

I’m to the point where I’m considering what it would be like using hookup apps. I got nothing when i was on tinder for a few weeks but wondering if changing things to “hookup” or finding a decent app (some people have mentioned adult friend finder) for this kinda thing would be helpful for me. I think there’s something liberating about realizing this person just wants sex, probably doesn’t care about all the baggage that we need to explain about our sides, and maybe even finding someone that is like “I’m cool if we mess around and do things other than intercourse if you’re not feeling in the mood.” LOL I’m more than positive it’s not THAT easy and convenient but the idea at least is starting to become appealing to me, to at least try

Of course the main goal is what woods has, a loving wife and family. But lemme tell ya, this online dating is really confusing and frustrating. I was like 75% sure I’d have about 3 dates this weekend. Well within a few days that turned into zero dates this weekend. One who wanted to meetup today said she’s sick (who knows if that’s true), another that said we should get together just never responded to my texts (but for some reason still responds to messages on Hinge, go figure) and another just claimed some other reason they couldn’t follow through. Sigh…frustrating

But I’m not giving up! The key is to just keep trying even when you’re looking at an inbox with 0 messages in it. Find another app. Try another thing. Look into meetups in person. Just don’t quit as it seems like new opportunities do keep presenting themselves

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#77

Hi,

I am very happy for you!

Were you affected by anhedonia/emotional numbing?
If so, what did you do to get better?

I hope you are well and that your two girls are well too!

#78

So at this point, starting with going on these dates somewhere around February (I think) I’ve now had dates with 9 different women. What strikes me about all this is how it’s difficult to get any kind of momentum in regards to these individual relationships. If we’re still single at this age, we’ve likely learned how to get by and live life without another person and we can be a little protective of our free time (not just me, i also notice this from the various women i’ve gone out with). On top of that, the way this dating works also complicates it because even an average looking guy like myself can have at least a few options of dates to set up. So why just focus on one woman if it might not work out and they can very quickly ghost you? Of course, we all are generally setting up as many dates as we can and meeting new people which is a good thing. But rather than focus on just one and really figure out if it will go anywhere, we have more options which is not always a recipe for success. And if it’s like this for guys, think about how many more options there are for women.

So there was one woman that I went out with twice and actually by the second time i met up with her, i was kinda sure that I really liked her. She lived quite a drive away so i was thinking about how that would work out. On the second date we talked about meeting up for a third and I was sure if we met up I would bring up the subject of where we’re at with feelings and I would say I definitely like her. Maybe not sure how to proceed, but I like her.

Well, long story short after texting about a 3rd date and her saying we’d go out again, she started “curving” me (hope i’m using that term right). This basically means she started taking longer and longer to respond to texts and started saying less and less. I asked about specific plans for the 3rd date and she just wouldn’t respond to those questions. It was literally like “Hi how are you? How did work go this week? So would you be interested in seeing a movie?” and the response is “I’m great! Work went well this week” and that’s it. So after a few text exchanges like this over several days of slow responses I just figured it’s pretty obvious she’s not that into me and haven’t replied in a week.

Well, easy come, easy go I guess. This was the first one that I really liked and could feel like a feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not as strong as when I’m in recovery but something was there. Was a bit sad about it, i guess I still am not totally past the disappointment. The good news is, somewhere in my mind, the ability to feel romantic attraction is there (at least some times).

Just went on a date today and had one a couple weekends ago and both seem nice and easy to talk to so we’ll see where that goes. If either progresses then one day it’ll be time to have the dreaded TALK about where i’m at physically. Totally not looking forward to that but in any case, the overall message is, don’t lose hope everyone and if you can get out, do it. There’s disappointment but there’s also finding out you can have emotions (some of the times lol)

I’ll also be updating my personal story thread about the temporary recovery and subsequent gains I recently felt

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#79

I’m not sure I can add much to this thread, but some of the comments reminded me of myself trying to figure out my life. I am now married and have a child, but I did start dating and getting serious with girls about three years after getting PFS.

I think what many of you are missing is that women are not attracted to the same things we are. The biggest mistake men make is projecting what they like onto women. Women are attracted to a man’s status, his confidence, and (this really sucks, but it’s true) his money. What a man looks like or his sexual performance isn’t really that important to a lot of women and I think thats what got a lot of us in trouble in the first place. We thought women wanted a man with nice hair because looks are important to men. You tell a group of men you met a nice girl they want to see her picture and know what she looks like. A girl tells her gal pals about a man she met and they ask “what does he do?”

A lot of us have a good job and a good income despite the symptoms we have and actually check all the boxes but we just don’t know it. And anhedonia can be a bit of a super power. I would say absolutely OUTRAGEOUS things to women on dates that I would never say without PFS. I just didn’t give a shit. The anhedonia came across as confidence as crazy as that sounds. A lot of them responded in a positive way to the crazy stuff I would say.

Here is another crazy thing about women and men. Ask yourself this question: who has more value on the dating market, a 25 year old woman or a 25 year old man? The answer is easy. The 25 year old woman. She is at the top of her game and, looks-wise, she is never going to have it better. The 25 year old man is young and horny, lacking in confidence and still getting started in his career. Fast forward ten years! Who has more value, the 35 year old man or the 35 year old woman? Now the tables have turned! The woman is in trouble because her biological clock is ticking. She knows she needs to settle down fast. The 35 year old man is settled in his career (most likely) and making good money. And, the 35 year old man, with some life experience under his belt, has more confidence and dating options.

My point is we have it better than we think, especially the men who have waited and are older and ready to jump back in the dating pool. If you have a few dates that don’t work out, jump to the next one. With the anhedonia it’s not too hard to walk away. This sounds counterintuitive but in the condition we are in a high libido female isn’t the right one for us. Find a girl who is ok with you providing a good life. If you can work and she can stay home and raise the children, you are providing most of what women need to be happy. Find a low-maintenance woman who isn’t too demanding and is happy with the basics. They are out there.

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#80

That’s great, man! Talk about how it went. Like dating with PFS. Like when did the subject of your ailment come up? What did you say? How did women respond?

At the moment, one of the women I was going on dates with that I really liked appears to have decided she’s out (i.e. she’s ghosting me). However, that situation was the closest I’ve been (at least from my perspective, who knows how she felt) since all this started. She wanted to talk about anything and everything about our lives and dating histories. We never got to discussing PFS as I was hesitant to talk about dating histories as there is now a huge hole in my dating history. But I’ve never been closer to broaching that subject with someone that I was romantically interested in. And the thought of talking about this terrified me. I know some have previously advocated for avoiding the subject or kind of telling a bit of a white lie on it. And I understand that at first, but once you really start getting into serious conversations, you can’t completely avoid it.

#81

On a separate note I’d like to talk about that here: What’s the best way to talk about PFS with a romantic prospect?

In my mind, the conversation was going to go like this: “So I haven’t dated anyone for a really long time because for a long time I just didn’t feel the need to because years ago I took a strong drug for hairloss and it affected me physically, emotionally, mentally in a really bad way. I believe I’m through the worst of it and every day I think I get a little better. However, honestly, a lot of times I feel a little sick/under the weather and I’m not every hour of every day going to be craving sex. There are going to be sometimes when I really won’t want it, and some times when I really do. But most of the time, I can have sex but there will be a part of my brain that’s a little disconnected”

Idk, how does that sound? Someone like me has to kinda plan out what I’d say even i’d never say it. I don’t like to have no plan.

There will probably be a separate talk about having kids because I don’t really know if I can still have them on PFS. I know others have had them and they’re so lucky! But my semen volume is like 1/3 or less of what I was producing with each shot prior to PFS so I’m a little worried. Also, a lot of the times, it just doesn’t shoot as far so I’m worried there will be some issues with that if I’m lucky enough to find someone.

#82

Lots of people here have had healthy children. There are enough healthy kids out there at this point where we know PFS isn’t passed onto offspring. Regarding “the talk”, if you are far enough along that you are having sex, you’re 1/2 there to a committed relationship. She will know something’s up without having to have that conversation about it and make the decision to continue with the relationship. Sex is just one piece of the puzzle and if you are willing to satisfy her in other ways (provide children, stability, etc) you would be surprised by the response you might get. But you don’t know unless you try.

#83

I have heard that people have had children since PFS but that befuddles me to a certain degree. For years my semen was completely clear. It’s now whiter most of the time but I can’t always shoot it out very far and the volume is low. Are others having these same symptoms and still getting women pregnant? It just seems like the perfect combo for fertility issues

Most of the women I’ve been on dates with in this age group mostly seem focused on finding a match and are taking things slow. The topic of kids and marriage has come up but not of sex. Given PFS and my terrible anxiety about all this I would want to have that talk before intercourse. Because of the issues I think there’s a good chance she would notice I’m not 100% hard or maybe having issues keeping it really hard.

Did you get into sex before having the pfs talk and if so how did the sex go? Good enough that your partner could tell you had issues?

And i assume you had the PFS talk with your spouse at some point. I’m curious as to how she responded. I would assume a lot of people would somewhat not believe our experiences even if they don’t want to outright say that

#84

If you want to talk about it, make sure you don’t do it in a self-pitying way

Did you ever see the movie “the heavenly kid”? It’s a silly (but fun) movie from the 80s. Father comes back from the dead to help his kid with life and the ladies. One of the most important bits of advice he gives his kid is that he has to present this image of confidence. Whatever happens he can handle it. “I got it covered” is the phrase he uses to show that whatever life throws at him, he has it covered…he can handle it.

It’s very easy to let PFS do your head in and the worst thing you can do is approach a woman with some kind of inferiority complex. We’re damaged goods, but we don’t have to act like it. If you have a lack of confidence, it’s going to show, and it’s going to be off-putting for the girl.

I think all of us lack confidence and that’s why many of us took finasteride in the first place. PFS changed the whole way I look at the world. Now I see the girl with the breast implants as the least confident girl in the room. We should have just “owned” the baldness, but what’s done is done.

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#85

deleted

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#86

I would like to share my experience as I have been into physical relationship on and off.
I was struck with PFS in March 2015 and I got married in June 2015. Got separated from my wife after 4 years of marriage primarily due to almost no physical intimacy between us. In 4 years(48 months )of courtship I think I didn’t/couldn’t make physical relationship for any more than 12 times. And even those 12 times were not pleasurable enough for my partner. Obviously the relationship had to end.
Either I didn’t feel like making love or if I felt then I didn’t get erection. Such was the situation when often my partner made advances.
The thought of getting into another relationship is horrifying to me as I think of what would I do or be able to do.

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#87

Man, I’m so sorry to hear this. I do have questions if you’re willing to answer them. Like, did you have a discussion with your wife about pfs? How did she respond? How did you explain it? What kind of communication did you have as the relationship continued through these difficulties?

The first few years of my PFS it was like a living hell. Even looking at a woman and thinking about sex actually made me feel sick so i can imagine how difficult it was with someone else’s expectations making you feel even more pressure.

I’ll have more to ask about, i’m sure, but I don’t want to bombard you with questions. Just know that I relate to what you’re going through and share the same fears as you do

#88

@nate99
I didn’t disclose to my wife about PFS primarily for the following three reasons:

  1. For almost 2 years I myself had no clue of what had happened to me. It was only after 2 years and few months after my crash in May 2015 that I accidentally discovered this forum online while digging the internet on possible reasons for my impotence. By this time my relationship had already become irrepairable and I was only waiting for us to part our ways. There was no scope of communication.
  2. I don’t know which part of the globe you are from and if you can understand what is common in India where I am from but here marrying a stranger whome you have never met or known or interacted is a common practice and I too married the same way so it was further more difficult to establish the rapport without sex being the binding force.
  3. Don’t take me wrong as it is my personal opinion but I believe that a man’s heart can be filled with love for a woman out of emotion and sympathy but women don’t act that way. For them sympathy can never convert into love. A woman always needs a man who can fulfill her desires, a man who is strong, potent, wise, witty, etc. Women don’t look up to man who is weak, distressed, dipressed, needs help or compassion or sympathy. They might sympathize with you but will never stick with you. I might be wrong though.

However even though she didn’t know about PFS as I never told her but whether it is PFS or it is some other reason the end result would be same which is no desire and no sex.
The worst part is that I neither felt like doing it and if I felt/tried then I could not attain erection.
I feel sad not only for myself but also for my wife as it was not her fault.

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#89

I too became father of a male child without any problem at all but most probably all the credit goes to my partner.

As far as the semen is concerned I too have much less volume after PFS and I too can not shoot it at all. It just spills out; that’s it. Furthermore even in my case the semen was much clear before PFS however it is thick and white now.

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#90

Hi sorry for the late reply. Wow, that’s just rough. To go through pfs with a partner that is practically a stranger and not feel like you can open up about it all. I can totally understand given the timing and circumstances how you ended up not disclosing it. Are you still married to this woman now? Would it help to try to explain any of this to her? But I guess there’s no real connection between you as it is

I’m really happy to hear that out of all of this adversity, you got to father a son. Not all of us are going to be so lucky and there are times when I just really understand how much was stolen from me. Well, gives me some hope that even with the lowered volume, watery semen, and lack of shooting distance, you did impregnate someone. Not that that is ever going to happen for me but it’s good to know that’s still a possibility if the right situation comes along