well that sounds pretty reasonable
It’s just the incredible awkwardness of it all, having a talk with a partner about this, having to plan out sex and not be natural and spontaneous that cripples some of us. It’s kept me out of the dating game all this time and several others as well. This thread has helped me face some of these fears to a degree
Bro embrace the awkwardness
I’ve had so many awkward moments and I look back and cringe and laugh
I’m still alive
Not to sound trite but become a man of value. You can make progress in your overall life, it’s your choice.
If you are someone worthy, you’ll find someone that will put up with it
Your confidence and frame is all that matters
During good times I do feel confident that I’m a person with value. During times like right now when things feel really low I have doubts as to whether anyone will want to be in a relationship with me. When things are low, even thinking about dating and talking about intimacy issues makes me feel like vomiting.
This weekend my plan is to find some intimacy issues forums and see what they use for online dating if anything. It would relieve some pressure knowing that the context is already set. Maybe there’s something geared towards people like us. Performing isn’t out of the question, but there will be some times far more difficult than others.
Imo the best thing you can do is just force yourself to do it
Acknowledge and observe how you feel. Then refocus yourself to the present moment and go for it.
That’s what I do
whats the problem?
Want to update a little, not much has changed since September, my job has kept me incredibly busy so I haven’t had much time to get on dating apps but i did get on bumble and asian dating dot com. Bumble I got some likes but it was never really with anyone that I felt like I could even reasonably be attracted to, except one lady, we did match and then she didn’t message me. Asian dating I thought I would meet local asian women but it was almost all international, so I got a lot of messages from women in the Philippines, like more than 200 lol. Unfortunately, they also don’t allow you to really read messages unless you pay money so it’s all pretty monetized. At the moment, that’s pretty much all I’ve done, but baby steps!
I updated my story in another thread but I want to add to something here. I suffer from mental sides to the point where that vast majority of days i don’t “feel” life. And I think only someone that suffers from the same thing can really understand that. It’s the difference between seeing an attractive woman and saying “whoa she’s attractive” and seeing a woman and in your mind something is clicking, you can feel it in your core that she’s got your attention. Anyhow, I’m in a temporary mental recovery time so I can feel life more, at least for the last few days I have been, maybe a little less so today than yesterday so I’m sure it will fade. I had a dream several nights ago about an ex that I never got closure with, after we broke up we remained very close and occasional friends with some benefits and there was a deep love and affection there. I moved away and just lost touch pretty quickly. I had a dream about her and it was so vivid that I could feel that she loved me and I loved her. It was really really nice, guys, gotta tell ya. It’s like being able to remember what it was like to feel love again. I’d like to feel that again one day, it won’t be with the ex as she’s married with kids and I haven’t successfully contacted her in almost 20 years. But I hope one day it’s with someone
Nice to see some positivity, @nate99, I am pleased for you. That all sounds really positive.
I think that your experience with dating apps is quite typical, I’ve never used either, but your story fits with my expectation. I know a few people IRL who used Tinder and Bumble and they didn’t have much success, I think that might just be how it is. So, don’t beat yourself up (not that it sounds like you are) treat it as a near passive way that you might find someone rather than a main focus that you ought to be putting lots of effort into and it won’t matter if it doesn’t deliver, and if it does, then that’s a nice bonus.
Thanks for the update and please keep the updates coming, I’m sure people will, like me, be cheered up a little by positive news on here.
Thanks for the reply, Greek! Having my emotions return for at least a few days is a real double edged sword, I can feel again, but if that feeling is depression and sadness, I can REALLY feel it. You can never assume that anything from a temporary recovery will ever stick, of course. But if i can have my emotions back, I can live again. If i can feel love again then I can live again. If it doesn’t stick around this time, then maybe it’ll stick around the next time or the time after that. I can’t imagine going on a date and not thinking about this past girl and how I missed my chance, but considering before this I couldn’t feel ANYTHING, this is maybe in the long run a good thing.
Oh yeah, and just some thoughts getting on Bumble:
On Bumble it’s all just pictures of women and there’s no real way to filter who you are looking for. Generally I’m more interested in Asian women (I’m Asian myself) and it doesn’t give the choice for anything like that. I’ve sat down for probably like 7 sessions of just swiping through a bunch of women and the vast majority are people i’m swiping left on. Maybe i’m being superficial as some of my friends tell me. But actually a lot of the women I’m swiping left on are very attractive, but to me it’s not the type of attractive I’m really into anymore. Not like when I was younger. They look like Instagram models, glamorous, in formal dresses drinking wine, some in bikinis etc. I’m not that THAT attractive myself so I’m to the point now where i understand that wouldn’t be a good fit. I’m looking for someone more cute and down to Earth as opposed to the hottest woman in the room.
Hello, thought I’d update this since it’s been more than a year. I learned a lot about online dating, and this is for anyone like me that has sat out dating for years due to pfs
I was using OKcupid and Bumble and just continued to not have success, in the fall had an online “date” with a woman and that didn’t really turn out well because she wouldn’t turn on her camera and I started to get the feeling i was being catfished
Anyhow, i can’t really say i took all this very serious and it’s really easy to just get used to living in the hole that is pfs that you never even try to get out of it. So around mid-January I started using a couple of other apps like Coffee Meets Bagel and Hinge and tried to get better pictures of myself and WOW, what a difference it’s made, i started matching with like a bunch of women, like within a couple weeks i matched with like 15 or 20! I was really unaccustomed to this much attention after getting almost nothing on the other apps
So fast forward and i’ve gone on 3 dates now: one was a semi-blind date set up by my family friends and two were from Hinge. This weekend there’s a good possibility i’ll get two dates from Coffee meets Bagel and 1 from Hinge, but you never know.
What I’ve learned is the matching part isn’t necessarily the hardest part. What comes after that is really difficult as well. Like at least 50% of women will just match with you and then not respond to your messages at all. A few will message you one time and never respond again. Like literally they’ll comment “Oh that looks interesting, where is that?” I’ll say “Oh it’s out in Vegas, have you ever been?” and then you’ll get nothing. Some will be interested enough to keep talking to you but they will ghost you like nothing.
The semi blind date was nice but I felt no attraction at all. She seemed to feel differently which caused some drama lol. The 2nd one was not exactly really ugly but not that attractive and I was willing to keep seeing her to see if I’d eventually feel something but she ghosted me. I did wait like 5 days to text her back so maybe she deleted my number already. The most recent one was the most attractive but I don’t think she felt i was serious enough about marriage and kids or at least that’s what my female friends told me based on the conversation. At this age (41) a lot of women are getting really anxious about having kids and then don’t want to waste time on someone that doesn’t come across like they’re serious. So be prepared to answer that if you get asked
Things are feeling good for me right now because I’m coming off being really sick so I’m in a somewhat temporary recovery period where everything in my brain is really clear. I’m sure things will come back down eventually but I’m trying to lay the foundation for a good life when/if I ever recover
My advice to any of you guys who can eventually see yourself wanting to live a normal life: get out there and try. I realize that we’re all at different places physically and mentally and sexually and emotionally but if you can do it, try. It’s really difficult but as we get older it won’t get any easier. And finding the right person takes time if it happens at all. I really wish just a few years ago pre-pandemic I would have forced myself to get out and try. I don’t know if I was ready then mentally, emotionally, sexually (am I now?) but attempting this at even 37 or 38 would’ve been a lot easier than now. Or maybe I had to get to this point right now in order to be ready, i don’t know
I’m not an expert or anything but if anyone wants to chat about this stuff, i’m here!
I put off seriously dating when I got pfs due to my serious neuro side effects even though I don’t have sexual sides
Recently I’ve went from medium severity to really bad persistent sides and now I can’t even date casually because I spend all day managing my symptoms and anxiety
If you’re feeling insecure about dating but can do so even if it takes extra effort, do it.
did you have muscle loss? if yes, this stopped?
I got very emotional recently when I accepted that my worsening symptoms probably aren’t a temporary thing and that my ED is even worse now. But, I still got my tongue and fingers and I’m determined to not give up. Still, I have concerns. I never dated before PFS, I’m not that ugly I just have no charisma. And it’s hard to have charisma and “good vibes” when you constantly wanna kys. I also worry about a girl not respecting my privacy and telling the people she knows that I’m impotent. I guess I’m just kinda thinking out loud here but I’m saying that I don’t wanna give up but I’m still scared.
Being scared is far better than being physically impaired bro
I’m 90% housebound now because of my stomach and anxiety
Not discounting your situation but I really wish fear was the only thing holding me back
I mean, i’m still being physically impaired by my dick but I get what you’re saying.
I pretty much have the same thoughts on the matter fwiw
No sexual sides? Good god I wish I was in that category…
Grass is always greener. I’d trade my brain for my dick ASAP
Sorry to hear about this, sounds terrible. But yes, good advice, if one can do it then do it