Distraught with my life

Everything is flat now. Life is flat. Is it going to be like this forever? Probably. Sad to lose my healthy libido too.

If some of my protocols fail… Well.

I think I will take a lot of drugs so I have no anxiety and then go jump off a nearby bridge.

Hope it doesn’t come to that. :disappointed:

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If all PFS took from you is libido…Bow down to the gods it can be MUCH worse…

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Maybe so and definitely true but my libido was the only enjoyable thing in my life.

That and my emotions/ability to enjoy TV more than the average person. Its all gone. I’m not that connected to people or stories anymore, everything is so flat. Boring. Even on good days

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on the bright side you won’t get nervous talking to girls you don’t know :slight_smile:

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I suppose :pensive: I promise you its a lot easier to hit on girls when you have excessive androgens (when I was on steroids)

I can’t wait to kill myself.

I really hope my stacks work. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to carry on

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@Junkieasteride how long has it been since your last dose of Finasteride? I couldn’t find it on your story. I don’t think it’s been three months yet, has it? Some people recover within three months naturally. With all due respect my man, you’ve been taking SO many drugs to try to recover. These haven’t helped you, and may have made you worse (like the arimidex). You need to adopt a long term view of this condition and the fact that you may stabilize naturally over time. I strongly recommend slowing down with the stacks/drugs you’ve been pounding. Try naturally recovering, and see what happens.

I know you’re in a ton of despair, but you may be digging yourself deeper. How many people on here have consistently created a protocol that cures everyone that has tried it? Zero. Many others have hurt theirselves, however, by trying out random drugs and supps.

Just my 0.02 cents. Conserving the little health we have left seems to be an okay strategy most of the time.

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My last dose was the 28th of November. Sure, not long ago but the second I took that pill man. The second I took that pill it all changed.

My emotions became blunted, I feel like a psychopath. Nothing brings me much joy anymore, I don’t enjoy conversations with people. I’ve suffered from white hair all over my body, numbed genitals, penile tissue loss and a libido that makes me want to cry.

I know you are saying to wait this out but I hated my life to begin with. Now I feel like I’ve lost everything. Everything. I have a feeling the 3 month recovery thing doesn’t apply to people who have suffered the full extent on PFS like myself.

Heck I can’t even administer TRT anymore, does that mean I can’t do steroids too? Well I want to test it. If I can’t then great another part of my life gone.

I’ve lost the personality I loved. The happy outgoing always talking wanting to share my new hobbies with people who are clearly disinterested but me I didn’t care I was just so energetic I wanted share these things with people but now… Now I’m like everyone else, disinterested in stuff… Not just sexual but everything.

I used to cry to movies over the stupidest things. I used to laugh until it hurt, all the time. I used to be in agony all day thinking about a problem that wasn’t even mine (friends issues or animal issues). Now I just feel like I’m so empty inside. It’s all gone.

I wonder if such a life is worth living I really do. If I can restore some androgenic nature through proviron and masteron I can at least focus on the gym. I can at least focus on feeling sort of normal.

Waiting around is suicide for me. Honestly it really is. I took a few diazepam yesterday and I have no doubt in mind it would allow me to kill myself when previously I had fear to do so. I have to exhaust my options friend and I’m not trying to discredit you.

You obviously mean me no harm, you obviously wouldn’t have posted if you didn’t care but I hope you understand that I wasn’t in the greatest place to begin with. Extremely suicidal. Now… Now this has happened I feel like I’ve fell into a never ending abyss.

I obsessively come here because it’s the only time I feel normal, with people who understand such torture and injustice which has occured.

Arimidex proved to me visual lust is still there. I got super horny after Adex and received temporarily visual lust. Man to lose that feeling and have it return I see why Douglas and a few others use it. However I feel the risk is too high, I’d like to avoid any estrogen pathway problems.

I really hope, we aren’t somehow invulnerable to androgens, and that Proviron/Mast supplementation can help me.

If it cant. I’m mindfucked. I think I’d prefer to die, my sex drive gone as well as my personality?

It’s’s just not something I can bare to live with. I geniuenly honestly want to commit suicide @Jaime

I’m sorry I’m not as capable as you PFS survivors but this syndrome if that’s what you want to call it has absolutely devastated me. I don’t even feel human anymore, Id do anything for a time machine.

I truly truly cannot believe half the effects I’ve suffered aren’t anywhere to be found on the leaflet for this medicine.

I let my insecurity and hair destroy my healthy body.

Thanks Merck, Mercked another individual who meant you no harm and just wanted to live a normal fulfilling life. I know you don’t care at all, so enjoy my £40.

I can’t even get angry at them. I’m angry at my pathetic self for taking that med, I probably deserve this. I hope that after death there’s nothing scary.

Sorry about the long rant. I know a lot of people deal with PFS well but I’m heart broken inside. There isn’t a single moment of a single day I haven’t thought about what could’ve been.

It’s devastating that the.emotional blunting no longer allows me to emphasize strongly enough to avoid suicide for the sake of my family. They’ll be distraught but I hope they understand, I love them so much I really really hope I see them again some other day should I go through with it.

Its devastating I feel forced into suicide. I had so many hopes dreams and it crushes me that a hairloss pill has changed everything…

There is no concern to get worse. If I get worse what’s the outcome? I kill myself? If I don’t get a bearable stack then I will take enough Xanax to calm me and go jump off a bridge, I’m sorry but it is what it is.

PFS is brutal, Merck are evil and lives are going to end as well as families torn apart all because a pill can take away a person’s ability to love life. How is it fair?

I miss everything. I miss my emotions. My libido. I miss not having to worry if my dick will permanently ED or develop a bunch of new veins.

I don’t speak to girls anymore because I have no libido. I can’t enjoy hanging out with friends because the connection just isn’t there… It’s hard to explain.

I took fin because I wanted to be my best self. I wanted to try and get a pretty girlfriend and live a happy life. Instead I’ve destroyed everything I enjoy and I had no idea it was even a risk…

I love the people here, they help for sure and people are doing amazing work I’m very proud of the mods with work such as the survey but honestly I don’t think I can hang around for a cure.

I might be able to live my life with PFS but it’s a shell of a life, I may make improvements and I may not but I’ll never return to normal.

I’m scared I’ll never fall in love or even experience emotion properly for that matter.

The very first night I took fin before I realised I had PFS. I was terrified of death but that night i layed in bed and questioned actually it wouldn’t be so bad to die

Something changed in my brain I think. Nowadays I’d like to experience death aka nothing over this state of sadness. PFS is a depressing disorder, people such as myself lack the quality of life to power through this.

I might not be a severe case but I yearn for the day I end this. I sadly now feel brief happiness when I plot my suicide, something new to me. It makes me wonder, what has happened to me?

I used to be so full of life man… I promise to write a note specifying everything propecia has done to me, hopefully someone in the media takes it serious. Not that I care.

The loss of my masculinity, emotions and libido have made life nothing but suffering. I want to live but it feels peaceful to consider a permanent sleep as an option.

I hope I didn’t drag on too long. It’s 2am and these are the thoughts running through my methylated brain :frowning:

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don’t be too stressed out I know how you feel but you must understand that this isn’t permanent just like difficult periods in life. it will get better just because you are depressed now doesn’t mean that life is over.

I had flat emotions just like you and like you I have list libido only and I don’t have joy in sex life was flat but it is getting better and better. I have weeks where I feel that I am cured and I am healthy but I go back. 2 steps forward and 1 backwards. that is how I am going forward. I will get better and life will be good just ride out the storm you will be okay.
Look at it this way you have one life to enjoy, eventually we will all die and it would be pointless to waste it away. what I am telling you is live, fight, stay strong and you will get better don’t be a coward by throwing your life away.
Remember you’ll get better over time.

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I agree with you but I just dislike the way things have become. My quality of life is negligible. It’s to the point where I wake up in the morning have a brief second where I don’t realise what’s going on then I’m hitting with a wave of oh yeah this is my life.

Either way you look at it. I’ll never be the same me. That is heartbreaking. I miss being so emotional I’d cry at the drop of the hat. It’s not right to steal someone’s personality from them, it’s the cruelist thing fate can do

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yes you will be the same as before, you will get better just ride out the storm. exercise eat healthy and do yoga life will get better in no time.
stay strong and stay positive.

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Come on dude stop the negativity. You will improve and maybe even recover. It just takes time. I was 100% asexual and screwed 4 years ago. Now I’m 90% recovered. Libido is higher than pre PFS.

Also increasing androgens is possibly a terrible idea in your case. I was the same, couldn’t tolerate any DHT increase and got fucked from TRT injections. I stopped TRT, crashed my testosterone levels and felt better instantly. When your AR is massively overexpressed after fin you have to keep androgens LOW at first. Over time you will gain more and more androgen tolerance again.

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Is it? Or did you just forget how a real libido felt…

Even during my androgenic super horny phases it wasn’t the same. The fire/pleasure from a high sex drive was reduced to a mild firey tingle. I honestly doubt we’ll ever recover to pre pfs… How often you get horny isn’t just the problem, it’s how horny you get too…

I used to get insanely horny. Now it feels so pathetic. I might be being negative but I don’t see androgen receptors slowly over years just fixing themselves…

If more androgens make me worse then I’ll probably just nose dive off a bridge

Can vouch for @Invictus’s story. He did end up getting better for sure.

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I’ll say after more than a decade of PFS, with really really horrible downs, there are up moments that make it better to be alive. Yes, sometimes they’re far and few between, and cutting out all seemingly depressing things, whether they be people, TV shows, music, etc…helps a lot.

I can’t advocate enough for healthy eating and vigorous exercise. One really good session of working out and weight lifting gives me morning erections for 2 days. It’s tough to keep up, but sometimes, during an intense workout, I feel alive again. It’s only for a few minutes, but it’s something and gives me hope.

A life fighting where a good day is considered having a morning erection. Are you aware of the baseline you’ve adjusted to? Every normal person is living a life thousands of times better than us.

Their morning erections come whether they did heroin and meth injections for years on end… We have been doomed to live a half life, if you can even call it that.

I’m glad you’ve adjusted and are ok with that. I’d rather be dead, sorry.

Yes, it’s a half a life, and a new, seemingly pathetic baseline. I’ve been through the worst, and adjusted to this. It’s a compromise. When I was “healthy”, I had dozens of massive setbacks-breaking almost 2 dozen bones at different times, incarceration of a close family member, cancer twice, emergency surgery and a life threatening hospitalization for a burst appendix, and there are more. They all pale in comparison to this condition, which I know will be solved, or appropriately treated.

Due to the ridiculous popularity of propecia, it’s inevitable many more people will be plagued with this condition, and this will cause a massive increase in research and treatment options. We are not alone with this condition, and I’m not ready to loose the possibility of missing out on any good years that may be left.

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Yes it is stronger than pre PFS. I can get even more horny than pre PFS. I’m very dominant now, which was never the case pre PFS. Even my dick sensitivity is now constantly amazing.

My DHT and/or AR expression must be way higher now than pre PFS.

Only thing that could be better are my orgasms. Still working on that. Currently trying some NAC cycles. Basically raising and then lowering dopamine. I’m sure my dopamine receptors are over expressed just like the AR. They need to be down regulated.

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I hear ya on the morning wood thing. Waking up with a dead penis is one of the hardest things about this for me. It is like waking up in prison every day.

With the being said, the other part of me, the more positive part says, “ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering. There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

I remember seeing this quote on a bench when I was at my lowest point in 2018.

Most suffering comes from how/if we identify with our thoughts. I know this, because when I have been hopeful that there will be a cure or read a very positive post, my moods jolts up.

Try to be positive, don’t let your mind bully your body. I’ve spent 5 days on the forum which is a ton of time and that’s over a period of a year. You have spent 2 days in the last month. You gotta break the OCD/ neurotic loop man. I’ve been there, I know the damage of the mind spiral.

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@Junkieasteride for what it’s worth, the human spirit has this strange ability to rebound back from tremendous loss. I never thought I could be happy or okay with a dead libido and everything else going on. But surprisingly, I’m moving on.

Check out this classic study that says quadriplegics get more happiness out of the mundane than lottery winners do.

Basically, we have a baseline level of happiness. When tragedy occurs, we get depressed. But overtime, we approach our baseline. Same with awesome events like winning the lottery. We feel elated, then… it’s back to normal happiness.

I’m not saying I don’t miss the old days. I still feel this weird anhedonia and feelings don’t hit me like before. I’m not saying I’m giving up and won’t keep looking for answers anymore.

All I’m saying is, I’m no longer a complete dumpster fire of a mess as days 1-90 of PFS. I’m doing… alright. And that’s okay with me for now. “Radical acceptance.”

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