Conflicted about Girlfriend SERIOUSLY need help

General Discussion
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#1

I have confusing feelings about this girlfriend I’ve been seeing and trying to see if she’s worth marrying.

She knows about my PFS and has been a god send in helping me cope with it. She’s not much of a looker, likely a 4 on a scale of 4 out of 10. She’s not the girl I’d expect to touch me so deeply.

I’m going to be graphic here so WARNING.

She fucks like a champ and can actually make me orgasm even with my low sensitivity dick. There are so many girls out there that would just give up due to getting tired and satisfying sexual needs is an obvious big thing when it comes to relationships. She doesnt even have that big of a sex drive herself so it kinda works out in that department in too.

I don’t know if I could ever find another girl that could satisfy me the way she does, but shes not the girl I had imagined would touch me so deeply and work with our unique issues.

What are your thoughts on this issue?

I’ve gone back and forth from wanting to spend the rest of my life with her to maybe moving on, but I’m scared I won’t find someone who can fucking deal with my PFS. This shit is so unique.

She rated me as an 8 out of 10 on the looks scale so its kind of a looks mismatch, but we are a perfect match in literally every single other way.

I asked my mom (my only parent), she can’t give me a straight answer.

Currently, I told her that I need to put the relationship on a break in order to see a therapist in order to further understand my feelings. We both cried, because we formed so many good memories together and she fit so perfectly into my life it was like I didn’t even have to put effort into the relationship, it just fit so well sometimes that I wouldn’t even call it effort, just natural caring and love.

What are your thoughts on this situation? I need insight because you guys are the only people that can truly understand the viewpoint I’m coming from. Please, I don’t want to look back on this relationship with regret, I already have enough regret as it is.

TL;DR: 8 out of 10 man found a 4 out of 10 woman who can satisfy me sexually and emotionally. Not the girl I imagined that fit me so well in my life.

#2

Same situation here. Also I have to add that I don’t feel that expected ‘love’ feeling on her, but kind of ‘affection’. But, I am worried to break the relation because i dont know if this lack of love is because she is not the right person, or because I am unable to feel love anymore.
What i am sure, is that nobody else would show me her love the way she does. Side is, again, i don’t feel the love she gives me, althouth I can see it.

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#3

I got married 3 times and had a dozen+ girlfriend, I don’t know. But I can tell you this, in my experience, the better looking the girl is, the more difficult the relationship and the more hardship for you. The best looking girls I had sex with were the laziest, both in bed and in the relationship.

My experience has been the less attractive girl, visually, often have a much better heart and are willing to make efforts to make it work (again both in bed and in the relationship). So considering an 8 out of 10 with pfs is less attractive to girls than an 8 out of 10 with no health issue, and considering that if you match yourself with a girl people would objectively rate lower than you you have better chances the couple will last, I would say stay with her and wait until you’re sure and have no conflicts in your head before thinking about marriage. For marriage, you have to be sure 100%.

Furthermore, looks don’t last. We all want that 20 yo good looking girl*, but unless you’re willing to change every 5 years, the girl you’re with will get older and less attractive. In the end, what is left is the conversations you can have, the friendship and the good times. As you grow older, this is more important than looks. Beauty if fleeting but a good personality stays forever.

Granted, considering I got married 3 times, maybe I shouldn’t be the one giving advise. In the end, it’s about how you feel about her.

*It’s actually a proven statistic. Men from 18 to 50 prefer 20 yo girls whereas women generally wants men a little older than they are. Oddly enough, the men that receives the most messages on dating apps, after compiling millions and millions of data entries, are around 50 yo. But it’s nothing compared to the number of messages 20 yo girls receive. Shocking statistic but with dating apps, computer analytics and the size of the sample (more than a billion entry) it’s hard to argue with the results even if it’s unpalatable.

I wish you the best

Ozeph.

4 Likes
#4

Marry her.

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#5

Don’t marry someone you don’t love. If you love her, go for it.

It’s quite simple.

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#6

Absolutely 100%. The best lookin chicks don’t know how to suck dick, and they sure as hell ain’t puttin in any work. Meanwhile, I’ve had some lesser lookin ones put me straight to sleep, I mean out cold.

#8

Dont be shallow man. Who cares about looks when you love someone.

4 Likes
#9

I have a question outside of the attractiveness/marriage topic. Why can’t your girlfriend join you in therapy?

Maybe you could go to a few sessions alone with your therapist to discuss things you don’t want her to hear. Then, you can bring her to therapy to make it a group thing. She might be really helpful in a group setting.

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#10

personally i thnk marrge is more about shared values than love and attraction BY ITSELF.

do you guys have a shared vision (family or something else) to build on? thats what i think marriage is for. it requires sacrifice from both ends

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#11

I agree @lakehouse I think love fades and things become routine after awhile. Looks also fade, the most important aspect is shared values and having things in common in my opinion, and acceptable looks to start. You don’t have to have the prettiest girl but if you have shared values and common interest that’s more important. In my opinion.

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#12

She might not be super hot, but honestly that’s a lot easier to adjust to than being with someone who does not satisfy you sexually or emotionally. Having someone who loves you for who you are in this day and age is not something that’s easy to find.

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#13

It depends how old you are. If you are under 35 then I would wait until you are about 35 to find someone who is closer to an 8. Maybe by then the community would have gotten serious, funded some research, and a cure would be here. If you are over 35 then you have to decide how many more years you could hold out. I’d say it’s best to get married by about 40 and we are at least 5 years away from a cure since research toward finding one hasn’t even started and no one seems to be trying to make it happen.

Everyone is lovey dovey in the beginning though. So remember that just because it feels good to be around her right now does not mean it will feel good to be around her 5 years from now. It’s also a large financial risk for a man. Frankly a technically irrational one. At any time she can divorce you and have your wages garnish for 20 years or something. Not only child support (which sometimes is reasonable), but also alimony, which is a holdover from the 1950s era when women only worked until they got married and instead were homemakers. With divorce laws currently configured as they were in the 1950s but men making half as much because of twice as large of a labor force, men have to be extremely careful about getting into long term relationships that end up in marriage. No one ever thinks their sweetheart would do them wrong but in reality the majority of men get divorced.

But as I say, if you want to have children and are over 35 then it might be right.

#14

Half as much compared to what?

#15

When you double supply, you halve price. When you double the number of people in workforce, you halve the amount they get payed. For the first many thousands of years that men and women partnered into monogamous couples and created households to have children, and of course the countless millennia that mammals have existed, females have primarily attended to offspring and maintained the home, while men won bread to provide for the home. For the last 50 years Western humans have been conducting a social experiment where we ironically assume the belief that the work that men do is more noble and enjoyable than the work that women do, in the name of trying to construct an elimination of gender. So now almost all women need to make winning bread their top priority.

However, societal customs do not change the amount of winnable bread. So now both men and women have to work all day just to pay the bills. Same amount of bread but twice as many people competing for it. Women have suffered from this the most. It both means they have to do more work and it means that it is harder for them to get married and have children. To some extent, welfare states have compensated them by creating a vast array of benefits that make it possible for single women to have children even without a breadwinner or employment themselves, by levying higher taxes on non single mothers and positioning the government as the family provider. As you see in the African American community, government is able to replace men in child raising via welfare checks and public housing. Something like 90% of African A,Erica grow up without fathers. However, it’s not clear they enjoy that and children from single parent households do terribly relative to children from two parent households in terms of crime, drug use, education, and career success. In fact, it has decimated African Americans who actually had marginally higher rates of intact households than white Americans up until 1967 when gross governmental assistance programs targeting African Americans were instituted.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there, but the system now incentivizes divorce by effectively bribing women to divorce their husbands by entitling them to half his wealth at time of divorce, payment for the upbringing of her children without any authority to participate in parentsl decision making, and his future wages through alimony. Therefore, if a husband and wife, for example, disagree about some expenditure, then a wife can just divorce him and get the outcome/money she sought through the courts. This is why divorce and single parent household rates are skyrocketing and you see hard working men living out of their cars. Not trying to be depressing it’s just part of the reality of today that all men must factor into their life decision making.

#16

You wrote you “are a perfect match in literally every single other way” other than looks. You’re basically saying the only reason you wouldn’t marry her is because she is not good looking enough for you. But still she can make you orgasm despite having PFS. She says you are an 8 out of 10, while you consider her a 4, but keep in mind she might say you are an 8 just to make you feel good which is likely the case if she is as great as you describe her to be.

My initial reaction was this is some real misogynistic bullshit and I wasn’t going to respond. But then I thought maybe this guy has some reasons why he needs s trophy girl or somebody good looking enough to impress other people. You are on the younger side, it seems 26 years old, and younger guys put more of an emphasis on looks in a significant other.

I think its totally reasonable to talk to a therapist about your concern about marrying a 4/10 because there will be some things to sort of. But for the love of God, please don’t tell your GF that she’s a 4 out of 10 or that is why you are having reservations about marrying her. Maybe tell her you are messed up from PFS and its hard for you to make long term decisions because of it and you need to figure it out. It’s normal for guys to feel like the attractiveness of their significant other is a reflection on your value as a person, but if you build up enough self confidence (not based on superficial things you can signal to other people), that other bullshit doesn’t matter.

Good luck and congrats on finding a girl that fucks like a champ and makes you orgasm with PFS.

#17

Thanks everyone for the input, the good and the negative. Please keep them coming. I just got back from her place. Had one of the best nights in of my life with her in a long time.

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#18

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have the girl you really wanted rather than settling, as long as the opportunity to get what you really wanted is real. There’s also nothing wrong with men and women caring about things like looks and money. It’s natural. Men “objectify” women for their genetic value (I.e. looks) and women objectify men for their provisioning value (I.e., security and money). This has been the case across all species of mammal since the dawn of time and I think trying to go against natural instinct causes more problems than it solves.

But I agree with you that some things that seem to be the end all be all when you are young turn out to be unimportant when you have learned more. That’s one of the reasons I think it’s better for men to get married when they are at least solidly in 30s.

It’s also advantageous to men to marry later because these days you can get tremendous variety and quantity of experiences from women in their prime (20s) via the casual hookup culture that glorifies female sexual liberation and through dating apps like Tinder. Men also age better than women, so a man that is a 7 when he is in his twenties may still be a 7 when he is 40 whereas a woman who is a 7 when she is in 20s might be a 3 by the time she is 40.

#19

Ultimately I do think the most important thing is to marry whichever girl you “feel” best with since how you feel is what your instincts say and instincts are right more than anything else. But you have to have experience with several girls before you know which one feels best.

#20

It would be one thing if he weren’t physically attracted to her, but that doesn’t seem to be the case as she can make him orgasm.

It’s a different thing when you aren’t sure about a girl because you feel she’s not good looking enough to show off to other people but she is otherwise “perfect”. You can get over that by working on your self confidence, which is tough, but that will impress people much more than a trophy girl.

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#21

That’s true but I don’t consider attractive people to be trophies any more than any other thing is a trophy. I think calling people trophies is derogatory and done be people enviously trying to bring others down (not you but people pointing at people and calling them trophies). Individuals in relationships are a reflections on their partners whether we like it or not. The fact that a woman of high percentile genetics has chosen a man over the many other options she had says something about him just as much as any other thing such as his confidence, what schools he went to, what his other life achievements are etc. But of course, it better to be able to satisfied from the inside. But most people are not and we have probably evolved to be motivated by what others think, so going against that is swimming up stream.

But I’m being a bit of a nerd here. I agree with you that The most important thing is that he feels great around her and is sexually aroused by her.