20 years old - 15 months off

Member Stories
#51

You are right. I am also accepting that I will never recover. I have made really good progress in all non sexual aspects since I started taking maximum milk thistle. I am not so concerned about that anymore (knock on wood). But sexually I have zero sensation and all other elements of sexual dysfunction possible and I have never temporarily recovered either, like some guys here. And unlike you guys, I don’t even know what screwed me up: Accutane, SSRI, intravenous antibiotics or high dose synthetic estrogen??? I am accepting that I will have a life without being able to enjoy sex or sexual/emotional intimacy that comes with that. It’s really deeply depressing and saddening. I don’t know since I have never lost a limb or anything but losing the ability to feel sexual pleasure has got to be one of the greatest physical losses imaginable. Like my GP here in London said about sex “at the end of the day, that’s what most people live for”.

I give in. Life has beat me into submission.

#52

I would agree with your GP Maria. Think about all the things that humans enjoy in life. These days they all cost money in one way or another. Good food in western countries really adds up, sport often ends up costing a lot of money, nice holidays, cars, films, books, drugs etc etc. Sex and intimacy in my opinion blow all of those away when you actually think about it and do not need to cost any money and cannot be ruined by governments or anyone else.

To not be able to feel any sex drive is truly tragic and certainly makes you an outcast in comparison to other humans. I can appreciate that a lot of women and more men than ever these days lose their libido due to various reasons but proper/ full on PFS is a whole different ball game. Your genitals are transformed into something ghastly, penis to brain connection is completely dead. When i play any sport and so my body diverts blood to other parts of my body i literally cannot feel my penis, it as if it does not actually belong on my body. I dare not look at it or touch it anymore during exercise because it makes me want to throw myself in front of a train the minute i get home. Have any of you had your sporting life ruined? using changing rooms with other men is a complete no no. Imagine what other men would say if they saw your penis.

On a more positive note. At least PFS has brought about a rather calming sense of happiness for me at times. I am no longer concerned about the pretty things in life that people seem to thrive upon. I am no longer scared of failure or death.

The ideal situation for me in life with PFS looks something like this

. focus on a business to keep my mind occupied and busy whilst also earning enough money to visit any doctors or purchase any medications/ supplements i may want to use

. earn enough money to have a life of freedom and to be able to indulge in other great activities to replace sex

. stay close to family and take pleasure in helping other people - provide myself with a purpose

. pursue and media/ research opportunities and do all i can to attack pfs

. find a peaceful suicide method for if the day does come where i choose to leave (i am serious, barbecue in a closed up room sounds good)

With those i feel i cannot go too far wrong

#53

Please erase the last bullet point.

I went through a very serious suicide phase. Thoughts still creep up from time to time but I am usually able to keep them at bay. I was minutes away from saying “Fuck it. Merck won. Time to sign out.” Luckily I didn’t sign out. And Merck has not won. I am more valuable to the PFS community alive than dead. You are too. This network of sufferers could use someone with my brains. And yours too. God knows you’ve made yourself a human guinea pig and at the very least we know not to repeat your mistakes.

In his first post here, awor mentioned he had considered killing himself. Where would we be if he’d done that? Light years behind where we are now.

#54

Perfectly said Second Ammendment. Bluecloud87, Maria, everyone, DO NOT GIVE UP!!!

#55

I was meant to say petty not pretty in the previous post. I don’t really think about suicide all that much these days but i would like to know that there is a peaceful method if my life really does get bad.

Good luck to you all.

#56

Genital destruction and loss of sex drive certainly makes you feel like an outcast, like you are not part of the human race anymore. Every time there is a sex joke, sex on tv, discussions about sex or whatever, I immediately think that “well, that’s something I’m not part of anymore”, and I immediately feel like an outcast while I fill up with deep sadness and become disheartened. Actually, these words don’t come even remotely close in describing how horrific it is to lose the ability to experience pleasure from sex. Words have not been invented to describe the life wrecking agony sufferers experience when realizing that they will never again be able to enjoy sex and deep emotional intimacy.

Gallup did a world wide cellphone poll a while back sending out tens of thousands of texts to people across the world asking two things. The questions went something like this:

  1. What activity were you engaged with just before reading this message?
  2. What was you happiness level from 0-10 during this activity?

The people who came out on top in terms of being the most happy (happiness at this moment that is - of course this way of asking a question tells us nothing about long term happiness) were those people who were engaged in sex.

So by literally destroying our genitals and our brain-genital connection, these pharmaceutical companies, the evil empire, have taken away from us the one activity that human beings treasure the most. It’s a priceless loss and the one and only way the pharmaceutical industry can compensate for this devastating loss (which in itself lead people into suicidal depression) is to earmark a huge chunk of their FRAUDULENT PROFITS, direct it toward research and come up with an antidote. They just have to do that, it’s as simple as that - or heads will begin to roll!

As I am becoming physically and mentally stronger, I am gaining an increasing amount of rage about the situation.

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#57

bluecloud can i asky you why under your nickname it’s written you’re from korea and you’re 44 and you used proscar and in this discussion i see you are 20 maybe 21 and from u.k. and used generic? I read that you have serious problems (like every one here of course), you claim to feel particularly bad, and i believe you of course, but even my 10 years old cousin on facebook does not make out all these bullshits about him. This is a serious site and personally i feel offended from your jokes, i’ve read thousands of your messages thinking you were 44 and from korea and now i realize you’re even younger than me and from u.k., can i know why did you do that? do you think it’s funny? you are 21 now, grow up!!!

#58

It’s not a joke. I do it for a little thing called ‘privacy’ as i know that family members and even a past friend could know who i am on this website due to other information i shared on the forum.

I will change them now actually.

#59

I was just sat here thinking…

You know when guys get older, especially bald guys, they tend to get hairier at the nose and ears. Bald men often joke about the hair on there head shifting to their nose and ears. Well, every time i start feeling better these days my ears start doing weird stuff; produce tons of wax and lots of itching. And as i have mentioned previously, my nose actually starts getting bogies inside when i am feeling better. I could easily now put $1000 on my nose having no bogies, only completely clear fluid when i am feeling bad.

Thanks to the upswings i have experienced i am now very in tune with my body. I might sound like a hypochondriac, but if you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

Something is definitely going on with the way Androgens/ 5 AR are acting all over my body. THIS IS CRAZY!

#60

OK that’s fine, but I’m just afraid the solution will be another pill to take for a lifetime, and which for sure, will screw up other things in our bodies. Was there any example in pharmaceutical history where a drug was created to alleviate once and for all a problem?

#61

@Y-C

I am of the belief that big pharma has no interest or intent to cure anyone of anything, only to get people addicted to a drug for life even if they do not truly need it. I still feel that through research something will come up that can help us and others who have been hurt by taking drugs that lower the AR signalling etc. Personally, if I have to take a pill for the rest of my life to feel right again, I would do it without hesitation. These are just my own personal beliefs.

#62

I thought I was the only one that happened to. When I start to feel better my ears start tingling and feel waxy. That tingle is always the start of an upswing

#63

Update

I am feeling good, like really good. Healthy libido, rock solid erections, flaccid penis is sort of getting there. I go to sleep and I often sleep for 4-5 hours straight, when I wake up I feel normal, great even sometimes. This has been on and off since I quit dutasteride so I really am hoping that this could be the start of a recovery that is here to stay. In the last two weeks especially, my libido and erections have improved almost to pre finasteride levels.

I take no medicines or supplements anymore; a few times a week I will take shots of apple cider vinegar, olive oil and garlic. My diet is very good but there are often days where I scoff lots of sweets and chocolate. I intend to do a two week water fast at some point in the next 6 months and probably for the rest of my life I will fast for 1-3 days occasionally - I felt some cognitive and sexual benefits after a 2 day fast recently and so I really think fasting is very good for you.

Fingers crossed!

#64

As I am updating on my improvements/ recovery, I think it would be good for me to clarify my main symptoms these days so anyone viewing the thread can see what the deal is.

  • low libido and ED
  • penile shrinkage
  • cracking/ popping joints
  • brain fog of varied severity
  • feeling detached from my body and feelings
  • anxiety & depression
  • unhealthy stools (soft, yellow, undigested food)
  • inflamed/ blown up feeling in the prostate area
  • internal tremor
  • sleep disruptions (waking 1-4 times during the night)
#65

Good to hear of your improvements. I hope they hold. At least you know you can get to a good place on some days.

#66

Update

Improvement/ recovery period is over and I am feeling terrible once again

#67

This is so crazy. Why can’t any of us make improvements that last. It has to be that our bodies are producing something that as soon as it senses our test and or DHT coming back it blocks it with estrogen or cortisol or some other anti-body. I think its probably estogen just because of the side effects seem to be that of an increase in estrogen.

#68

I have discovered that abstaining from masturbation improves many of my symptoms. Especially brain fog and anxiety. This has helped me to function much better in the real world and I now have no trouble with work. I am still waking up throughout the night though, which is tough to deal with. I was really hoping that my sleep problems would be resolved by now.

It’s been roughly 2 years and 6 months since my crash. At this point, I’m just trying to get on with my life as best as I can. I don’t take any supplements, medications or make any doctor visits.

#69

How are you functioning sexually?

#70

When I abstain for more than 7-10 days I can attain very strong erections and my sex drive goes from 0 to 2 out of 10. However, my flaccid penis is still shrunken and frighteningly light in weight. Morning erections are absent.

Some other effects from refraining from masturbation:

. Vivid dreams every night - even a few sex dreams, which I haven’t experienced in years
. Much healthier looking skin
. Increased confidence and reduced anxiety
. Cold hands and feet that I commonly suffer with improves
. General weakness that I suffer with improves

I am still suffering from chronic soft stool. Are there any other members that are still showing abnormal stool even after years off the drug?