On 11/7 I had some more bloodwork done,
and then an appointment a couple days ago.
T: 797
Free T: 94.1 (1.18 %)
LH: 2.2
Doc says Free T is right in the middle of normal, and the low percentage is only because my T is so high. But my LH is like a barometer indicating that my T is at the right balance my body wants.
He won’t do any other tests and he is convinced that it is all in my head–not necessarily that I am making all of my symptoms up, but that if they do exist, they are the product of my prolonged anxiety surrounding the issue and the natural changes that a body progresses through as it begins to age.
But, he noted, even if there were some issue, there isn’t a treatment or a pill that he could give me to solve it. He reassured me that, physically speaking, my testicles are well within normal size and firmness, there does not appear to be any damage to my penis. Physiologically, I can still function sexually. From my test back in September, he knows that my sperm analysis is great. Libido is such a complicated phenomenon, and certainly anxiety and aging play a major role.
He wouldn’t look at the pictures of my scrotum from 1) right when I started propecia, 2) about 5 months after I started, 3) four months after I quit cold-turkey, and 5) last month. He said that there’s no point because a) anatomically I’m well within normal and b) personal snapshots are not helpful since the scrotum is so variable in size on a day to day basis.
All true, of course. I’m still convinced propecia is the culprit–my anxiety, mental, and emotional effects started for no apparent reason before I noticed any sexual or anatomical issues, so it would be counter intuitive to blame those symptoms on my fixation on the sexual side effects. But, on the other hand, he’s right that there’s nothing else I really can do. I’m not going to go on a rigorous regimen of all sorts of herbal concoctions, nor do I think I should keep getting second and third and a series of opinions until I find a doctor who tells me what I want to hear. I was always imperfect, but, inferior as I find myself now, I can still function. I periodically fall into deep despair thinking about how I ruined my life at in my mid-20s, but did I really “ruin” it? If I stopped worrying and fretting about it so much, I’d almost certainly be having a better time. Also, if the damage I think I did to myself makes a successful legal career untenable, it’s probably for the best. The law was always my backup plan, something I did to ensure I had health insurance to cover my heart issues, a prerequisite before I pursued any other dreams (whatever those might be). If this pushes me to pursue those dreams–whether the motivation is fear of incompetence in the law or anything else–all the better. Nothing like despair to rattle yourself our of complacency.
So, you know what? I’m going to give it my best shot. Smaller-but-normal balls, reduced ejaculate, foggy head, emotional flatness, and all. Hey, it just sounds like I’m a middle-aged guy–I’ve always wanted to be an old soul. Eat well, get good sleep, enjoy what I can, keep my hopes up.
Of course, if that class action lawsuit ever happens, count me in.