What the hell is this? I don’t even feel “alive” anymore. In fact, sometimes, I’ll be just sitting there, thinking or whatever, and I’ll feel like “I” don’t even exist. Like, I’ll be able to see “myself” as a different entity, and that whatever it is that’s watching it is just… some blank observer. It’s horrible.
And what the hell am I even supposed to do? I have a psychologist who I can message whenever I want, but most of the time I don’t even feel like doing that because it just feels like “what’s the point?” I’ve already said everything I wanted to say to her and venting to her about how angry or frustrated I am feels like it won’t change anything.
I just want to get back to who I was… I want to get back to being able to enjoy things, to have motivation, to actually do more with my time than just lie down and waste it online or playing video games…
My whole life is evaporating before my eyes. I want some hope but I don’t even know what that looks like. I sometimes wonder if this is a test from God but if it is when does it end? Will I ever get better? Am I doomed to just live like this? I recently heard progesterone might help but I don’t know if that could make it worse and I’m looking into more info about that.
But other than that, I just… exist. But not even in an enjoyable way. I just sleep, eat, distract myself and that’s basically it. I don’t care about anything. I don’t have the energy to care about anything. It’s like everything I ever wanted to do is now just a memory and all I have left is… nothing.
God. I don’t know. This is awful but what else can I say? I’m sure you guys here understand.
Take care.