I don’t like spreading negativity but I’m really struggling at the moment and need to vent.
I literally cannot fucking believe this is real. I cannot fucking believe such a condition exists. As like most of us I’ve contemplated taking my own life but on some stupid level it feels like even that wouldn’t bring me release from all this.
I don’t know about you guys, but I used to have a deep sense of faith and love in the universe. You could even say I believed in God, or something higher, or at least some higher purpose to everything that happens in the world.
But this? This has basically destroyed all that. If there is a God, how the fuck could he allow such utter, utter meaningless and humiliating suffering?
This isn’t even the suffering of war, or sickness, or genocide. I know this might sound stupid but then again it’s probably not, but at least all of those things make sense on some level. At least there seems to be purpose or meaning you could derive from those things. If it was a choice between suffering this or having to live in Ukraine right now I’d choose Ukraine in a heartbeat.
At least cancer patients can laugh at jokes. At least kids in refugee camps have a sense of self and can feel warmth and connection to other humans.
Hell, it’s gotten to the point where I’ve started hanging around long Covid forums, because the symptoms of long Covid seem very similar to those of PFS. So I can relate to the people there. But here’s the thing - and again this might sound stupid, but at least there’s a narrative in Covid. At least it wasn’t their choice to catch it. At least the world understands it.
Just the fact that a fucking hair loss drug above all else could functionally destroy a man’s soul is… it’s horrifying. Utterly incomprehensible. It’s fucking demonic. Those are heavy words but holy hell it feels like it at same point.
I’ll free admit that a lot of this is due to bruised ego and masculinity. Being a smart young man gave me so much purpose and meaning in life, and yes, again I’ll admit, getting laid and meeting girls and living life truly validated me on a spiritual level. So the fact that I feel like I’ve been denied all of that because of something that’s too humiliating to even talk about is causing me to hate life.
Why me? Why any of us? What’s the fucking answer? Is there even one? Literally my entire hope for healing at this point is literally just to pray to God that I get better. That’s literally it. I’m too afraid to try and treatments because odds are they’ll screw me up even more. Aside from diet and lifestyle choices there’s literally nothing I can do to absolve me from this meaningless hell.
Fuck all of this. God, fuck this to hell and back. Life is utterly miserable. I don’t know what the fuck to do or think. Fucking hell. I’m desperate.
Fuck. Sorry. Take care guys. That’s all I can fucking say.