Thinking about ending it

General Discussion
#1

I feel bad writing this here given the suffering you all have been facing, and in most cases longer than me, but the suicidal thoughts I’ve been harbouring since I crashed 8 months ago are pushing me closer to ending it all.

I had an enormous amount of ambition and hunger for life prior to developing this condition. I was in a fantastic loving relationship with a girlfriend I cared deeply for. I cannot find any peace with the anhedonia, loss of feelings of romance, libido and a loss of connection with the world, The senselessness of having been so crippled and harmed for no reason whatsoever gives me no rest and makes me incredibly nihilistic. All the things which used to bring joy are now empty and hollow. Even beautiful scenery, which I used to enjoy so much, now brings me nothing.

My body doesn’t feel like my own anymore. I can’t grow a beard, I am flabby and fat having once had a lean muscular build, I have lost my charisma and ability to interact with others.

I am so despondent at this point. I lived carefully, didn’t do drugs, didn’t smoke, drank moderately and infrequently. The worst part is the fact that if I had just googled the drug I never would have taken the risk. I would have been scared away by the reviews. Every morning when I wake up I have this thought until I close my eyes at night. I wake up frequently during the night with horrific intrusive nightmares.

Whenever I see happy couples or successful people I am reminded of this horror. The psychological suffering is constant. Being with my lovely girlfriend I am tormented by my inability to love her as she deserves.

I feel like a broken shell of my former self and can’t come to terms with the insanity of it all. Having lost so much simply because I didn’t google or because I happened to have an irresponsible reckless doctor who gaslit me when I asked about potential side effects. I cannot bear this much longer and am thinking about killing myself almost always.

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#2

You are young, hang in there.

I was probbaly in a worse place physically and mentally than you, but got back to 65-70% or more in most areas (sleep, brain fog, fatigue). I enjoyed life a lot of the time.

Now I crashed again and feel like you do. That was my recklessness I guess. Didnt think such a thing was even possible.

#3

Romance, ambition, physicality and joy were central to my experience of the world and they are all gone now and I feel little hope of ever getting it back. I can’t live like this.

#4

Those will come back quicker than you think.

Two or three years tops.

I know how you feel. I’ve been crying all day, one month off.

#5

I’d like to write you down that the same things happened to many of us…I’m realizing the same thing all days. I think when I was with my girlfriend and now for few reasons related to this syndrome, our relationship no longer exists.
I know it’s hard but your life still goes on… We have to stay together and don’t give up.
I don’t know how long it will take to reach a cure or a treatment but I’m sure that if we’re continuing to help us each other, for sure we will. We can’t see our future my friend and I don’t know your girlfriend…but never say never.

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#6

Don’t throw your life away… I know you are still able to live a decent life. I’ll give you a piece of story.

Last year
I lost my girlfriend
I lost a friend in an aircraft’s incident
I risked to lose my job forever ( after many years of efforts and energies to obtain it)
I lost many friends and I had to deal with a family that never believed me.
I lost my healthy like you

I thought I couldn’t continue my life forever

Now
I have new friends
I have new projects that makes me proud and sometimes fearless for the future.
I have an incredible awareness of myself and I don’t care of what others could think
I have hopes for future even if I know my condition is hard but I know there’s so much more ahead.

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#7

That line resonated with me, truly. I’ve had 3 years of not being able to give my wife the loving she deserves. Yet she stands by me, with me all the way.

I’ll share this: this past week I have been closer than ever before, to pulling the plug as you are discussing. Every night I wonder why I prolonged my misery another day? Tomorrow could be the day…or maybe next week. But for now I’ll hang around a little longer, to be here if you need a shoulder.

Does your heart tell you to leave your girlfriend? How would she cope? Stick with her a little longer, ok? Jim

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#8

It’s a hot summer. I could go to the little lido beach at our lake enjoy the sun tinning my skin, the cold water cooling me down, relax on my little plastic boat in the middle of the lake, meet some friends or a partner or staying in a swimming area with my child but I can’t leave even the house.

The sun and the hot summer is like a strange planet for me, feeling the water at my skin is a horrible feeling, even to have a shower. The pretty women and the nude skin are only hurting memories to my lost sexuality. I can get aroused, but with ED Libido is only torture. I can’t relax anymore. People an the whole scenery is to much and an incredible stress. I feel nothing from the summer feeling.

My dry eyes are burning like hell in the summer sun. With dark cycles under my eyes I look like a cancer patient.

I cannot even sit in the garden chair and relax or read a book. I cannot meet anyone. I’m afraid to go to the supermarket.

The weather forecast with 37’ Celsius is like my entire existence is burning away. I hide in my darkened house like a 80+ year old wrack.

Only walking up and down in regret. And I know many others with PFS and pssd live exactly in this way.

I would like to end it up. Because being father of a for my senior age very young child I cannot. I’m forced to live on with this shit. That’s why I’m making so stressful comments, because I can’t end up the lobotomized life and I can’t live this lobotomized life.

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#10

Thanks Jim. I will do my best :frowning_face:

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#11

Hang in there Erik.

Some of us have horrific days - half of my body was paralyzed for 3-4 days last week - but we are on the right track because scientists are looking into this problem now.

You yourself have pointed out that research is the only way, so hang unto that, mentally speaking.

That is what I do, even when I can’t properly move half of my body.

Sending you all the tenderness there is.

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#12

Dear Erik,

I am sorry you are suffering that much.

Please hang in there. Many of us have been in similar situations, but humans are remarkably resilient machines. You may find that your symptoms improve with time as you seem to have quit less than a year ago. You may find that you adapt better to your situation. And/or you may realize that you can find meaning in being there for others.

It is clear that you are a person with high ambition and expectations for yourself and it is frustrating not to be able anymore to meet these standards. But achievements are made in the face of adversary. This here is our challenge. The challenge of our lifetime. Let’s face it head on! Our happiness is at stake.

We have all suffered enormously. But as we speak, the team is organizing research. E-mails go back and forth every day between us and the researchers who support us to clear the last hurdles. We are fighting and we need people like you, who are severely affected but determined and capable, to fight with us. This is our purpose. And if we win, we will have accomplished more than most people can imagine.

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#14

So well said @Northern_Star! I second those comments. As I’ve said to you privately @Erik, you’ve been a great voice here in the community, your accomplishments are not to be overlooked, and we’re all here to help support you while you’re struggling. I’m really hoping improvements are around the corner for you and I’m optimistic for our all our futures.

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#15

I know when I focus on this stuff, I get really down. I believe that being on a positive mission that helps others is the best you can do for your own happiness, and rehearsing your bad luck in life is the absolute worst (and you need a break from this forum or anything else that makes you focus on PFS).

Feed your mind positives instead of negatives (you and Jim seem to have fantastic partners, you have strong emotions left that can be a great fuel, to name a few).

Yes, you lost a number of great qualities you were proud of. But don’t tell me you have no qualities left. I’m sure a guy with your temperament / emotional fuel (that most healthy men can only dream of) can find his strengths and ways to make his girlfriend happy and proud of the man she’s with.

It’s not a great body or charisma or even a lucid mind that decides if you’re a loser or a winner. The only thing that matters is attitude. Attitude in the face of adversity. Amor Fati.

For some reason I was reminded of this guy. I watched it again just now and wow, all those gems… even for those of you who think he’s better off than you.

It’s the same ideas mentioned by the Stoics, Jordan Peterson, or Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning (people have recommended it on this forum and so do I; google it and you’ll see freely downloadable PDF’s).

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#16

Thanks very much my friend

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#17

I really appreciate it