The Devil that whispers to me when I'm cruising

Oh I’m doing so great again. I feel glimmers of the original Daytona shining through the curtains. Recovery, happiness, and acceptance rush in to cradle my soul softly. Have I won the fight against the mistake I made six years ago? No, no, no. It can’t be, can it? Maybe this wave will rush towards the shore without ever stopping. Maybe my recovery has finally become a constant, which could never end. But there he rests, glaring upon the ocean with despair in his eyes. He knows the wave will eventually have to collapse, when it reaches the cliffs. No matter what I do, the ups and downs is the only thing that stays constant in this life of mine.

Excuse the somewhat metaphorical expression of my thoughts. I find this forum a very comforting environment to express my feelings every now and then. Even though my recovery has been great throughout the years, it seems that it always comes and goes in waves. You get better, you build up confidence, you finally get into the groove of things. Life feels great again and you can see a bright future ahead. Suddenly you’re on a downhill slope again. Anxiety comes marching in to steal your inner peace. You think about how this illness had to come into your life, just before you were about to blossom. You feel like an outsider, observing people who can never fathom the idea of living with this condition. You feel like an old man, matured by the experiences in his life. However, in this case it only took you a few years to reach that point. Fuck. This condition takes a vast amount of mental strength, which a lot of you can probably can relate to. It’s exhausting at times man. This is the only place where I feel able to share my true struggles openly. Normal life is like building a shield to protect who I really am. Keeping by problems out of sight for even the closest people like family and friends. I’ve been in a mental black hole for a few weeks now, but I know I will eventually get out of it, because you know, what else can we do. I wish all of you endless strength and perseverance because that is what I need right now. I am very grateful for this community. It’s like a crutch reminding me that there is hope and that I will succeed in what ever I do in the future. Our lives are different, but it’s all about what you make of it. Stay true to yourself and take care.

Thanks for reading :wink: