I’m just wondering who else lives like this on a daily basis.
Everyday I wake up not knowing what my emotional state will be for that day. I can wake up with strong thoughts of suicide, feel physically sick with depression or gripped by anxiety. This lasts several hours then improves before lunch. When it improves I still feel flat and unable to laugh or enjoy things.
After lunch the depression comes back and I can’t enjoy anything and become wrestless. Then later on the suicidal thoughts start ramping up again usually for an hour.
I try going out to ease the pain but feel completely disconnected from my environment. It’s like I’m invisible just watching other people walk by laughing, talking expressing themselves.
The evening is the only time I find some emotional stability which remains mostly flat.
My emotional state can literally change hour by hour from extreme sadness to nothing. If I laugh once in a day it’s a notable moment. It seems like all my usual happiness has been replaced by sadness and my sadness replaced by flat sterile moods.
There is no emotional stability and it fluctuates wildly morning and afternoon. Trying to motivate yourself in this state is extremely difficult and that’s without the physical symptoms to contend with.
I’ve also experienced what feels like manic states we’re I become lost within myself and go down a rabbit hole with tunnel vision fueled by emotion. The last time it happened I stopped posting on here for a good month. I think it maybe getting to the time were I once again withdraw or post less on here. Self control online is becoming increasingly difficult to maintain.
It’s a truly awful way to exist. It stops me from doing hobbies or getting more involved with things. I wonder what this roller-coaster is doing to my brain. Nothing good I assume.
Does this ever improve and if so how long does it take.