Hi All,
I’ve recently found out about PFS and just wanted to post to get stuff off my chest and see if there’s any glimmer of hope.
It’s a long story and I’m not really sure where to start.
I’m 28. In terms of my mental health, I’ve been very unstable since July last year, following a really difficult breakup where I discovered my ex had cheated on me and been gaslighting me for a long time, leading me to become temporarily homeless and needing to sofa surf. Understandably this was hard, but I felt I managed to find my feet, and in September decided to come off Citalopram (SSRI) which I had been on for several years. Things felt very weird following this, at the time, I thought it was all psychological, however started to experience genital issues around November (hard flaccid/some numbness). This lead me to find out about antidepressant withdrawals and PSSD, and I found the surviving antidepressants website. In the new year things hit a terrible place, I was practically bed bound with anxiety/panic and ruminating thoughts about whether to reinstate a small dose, and noticed a sense akaesthesia and insomnia. I eventually decided to reinstate 0.5mg citalopram, following the advice on surviving antidepressants. Since then, things have become very odd, I noticed a increasing sense of emotional and physical numbness, extreme brain fog and confusion, which initially only appeared in the evenings but now is 24/7. I thought this was perhaps me stabilising on the drug, and felt okay about this.
That was until I did some further research on PFS. I’ve been taking Pygeum (also a 5-ar inhibitor) for several years, occasionally in a pill mixed with Saw Palmetto, with no apparent issues. I was taking this on and off, however started taking pygeum again towards the end of November, which coincidentally is when my hard flaccid issues began. Having then read about pygeum possibly worsening hard flaccid, I stopped taking it mid December.
So I am now in a place where I have no idea what is happening to me. Looking back, my ‘crash’ in the new year seems to match up with stopping pygeum a couple of weeks before. However, I’m also a very obsessive person so don’t know if this ‘crash’ was due to be obsessing about possible antidepressants withdrawals, or whether it was the withdrawals themselves, however I have never felt anything like it, 24/7 emotional torment, literally no escape from the thoughts and feelings.
I have noticed things feeling much weirder since reinstatement … emotional numbness/detachment/anhedonia/unimaginable brain fog where I feel like an actual zombie. As well as increased head/sinus pressure, much worse genital numbness and possible shrinkage/ED. The anxiety is better, but I now barely feel alive or human, and feel a lot more suicidal and hopeless.
I’ve accepted there’s no way to know what is happening to me here… PFS, PSSD, antidepressant withdrawals… I have no idea. But I have decided to stop the reinstatement of citalopram. I’ve halved my dose today and will review in a couple of weeks, and then plan to stop completely. It’s been a difficult choice, as it goes against everything they recommend on surviving antidepressants, but they have no idea about PFS, and my physical state does seem to be deteriorating (looser skin, painful knees, receding nails, feeling physically unwell). These things can also apparently be signs of antidepressant withdrawal, so god knows if this is the right decision. It’s lose lose… continue the reinstatement and risk making possible PFS worse, or stop and risk the withdrawals getting worse. I just have to hope this is the right choice.
I’m sorry that was a lot of ranting, but I guess I was just hoping for any works of hope or encouragement. I can very much feel my body and mind breaking down, the more physical symptoms I experience the surer I am this isn’t just ‘psychological’.
I’m just feeling incredibly lost and hopeless… the thought of living like this forever, or indeed things getting worse, is unbearable. I see no quality of life in this state, I’m single, off sick and possibly going to loose my job as a trainee psychologist, my dream job, that I’ve been working towards my whole life. If things genuinely may just continue getting worse, my dick continuing to shrink, which already was a source of great insecurity for me, my already fat body becoming even more loose and unsightly, and feeling like I’m not human, I’m not sure I can do it. I don’t want to die, I loved life and always had hope. But this feels incredibly hopeless. It would feel so much easier if I could just have a test to confirm “yes you have PFS, this is going to happen”… then I could grieve, I could alter my plans and world view. But I’m living in limbo, no idea what’s wrong with me, no idea if things are going to continue getting worse, how do I continue like this? It feels all my dreams, even of a simple life… having a partner, feeling content, have been took from me. And worse of all this isn’t even acknowledged by medical professionals. I’m aware I sound i crazy when I speak to my GP, I’m aware it sounds like mental health issues, but this isn’t, something is deeply wrong.
I’m so sorry for the long winded and hopeless post, if there’s any advice or hope people can share, I’d be so blessed. Just any kind if lifeline to hold onto, anything, even “things got slightly better for me, my dick didn’t turn into a nub, I’m not a bag of jelly, I can think somewhat clearly”…. As this is what feels is destined for me after reading this forum.
Thank you all so much.
