Remembering how much we have lost- New normal

Hello all, i have some hard time coping these days, especially if i masturbate to see how things going on down there, which i do rarely now. The result is just getting worse each week, month and year. I was talking and thinking about how much we have adapted into this situation and forgot how we were before PFS- PAS.

I purposely will go full graphic and detail now, this is important. May sound weird, but yesterday i tried to focus very hard to some porn videos, to see if i can catch a glimpse of normality of my old erections, excitement and sensations (which mainly comes from PC muscles under your testicles) It was almost like an experiment, and for a few seconds of intense focus, my testicles start to getting harder, the blood pumped more into my penis and it became bigger, i experienced a good tingly sensation and warmth feeling! For a few seconds! I literally felt the blood is pumping more into my penis and i felt normal. And then, it went away again. So, it clicked in my mind! Oh my god i said, this is HOW I SHOULD FEEL ALL THE TIME WHEN I GET STIMULATED. A healthy persons testicles start to become harder when he masturbates, but mine wasn’t for 5 years now! And all other things started to make sense.

Sadly, this made me realize how much i actually lost without even NOTICE! I know many of people here crashed so hard and it was a one night change for many, but for others, like me, the process is very slow and i getting worse each day. I realized, that FEW SECONDS of intense feeling, is how we SHOULD feel ALL THE TIME. I realized how good an orgasm was before PFS! I was thinking this for a long time. This is so hard to swallow guys, i can’t believe im facing the reality right now. Now im going to give you guys some small things in our lives that maybe even you are not aware of you lost it. Maybe here, we can share the things we lost or didn’t realize until some time. Let’s remember!

  • I realized my urinations are not strong anymore and there is no good feeling when urinating, sometimes i can’t even say am i urinating or not. How a person can compromise this and didn’t notice for years? Do you guys realize how slow and weak your urinations are in compare to before PFS? I start to remember many things.
  • Orgasms, i masturbated and my orgasm was almost painful. I felt blocked\jammed. My muscles were trying to contract each other and push the semen out but there is so little semen inside that it actually hurt. It feels like dried out garden, a desert. Anyone feels like this? There is no pleasurable orgasms for me, no build up, no climax feeling. And my penis feels very tight and thin as all other muscles down there. Did you people have any similar experiences of late realizations like this? I think i go very slowly bad and i also realized i lost my penis size and testicle size a little… jesus. Anyone ever notice these things late after the crash? Or are sexual, physical changes happened very quick and noticebaly abrupt for you?

So, how we will ever be sure what pre-pfs and pas like if we even very bad about realizing the main differences in our bodies? I don’t know what to do anymore, ı have been living a life in a PAUSE button ever since. Stuck.

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whts with the video

@Cooper
Agree with much of your post, especially about the urination.

Don’t know about the orgasms, haven’t had one in eleven months.

Jim

This, we ( atleast me) are so damaged. I feel so sad, so sad when I see normal people being normal. Nothing special, but we don’t even have what everyone else has by birthright

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I miss the beautiful feeling of loving a girl, and feeling great just by thinking in that person. I miss the excitement when talking to that person.

I haven’t been able to hold a relationship since I’m suffering PAS since I was 20 years old. I’m 27 years old and chasing women just doesn’t make sense anymore, it doesnt provoke any pleasurable feelings, well, sometimes a bit if my intentions are corresponded, but it is SO weak, that almost makes me feel more miserable because of the realization of how much I’ve lost.

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How do I tell you how much I relate with this. This is something every human is able to do by default. Even desire got stolen away.

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I can’t remember the feelings of love anymore.

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I think i just started to hate life.

I feel so sorry for the amount of time, energy and willingness i lost to live my life because of the dwelling bug in my head that i don’t want to admit to myself. It’s there because just the few pills i took. I can’t even satisfy the girl i love now, due to horrible Premature Ejaculation caused by Accutane.
As like everyone else, except some few small mistakes, i never hurt someone in my life. I can’t even step on an ant. I always tried to give the best to the universe because i believe in karma. But i don’t want to see this as a test to become a better version of myself anymore. This is just not fair. It is enough. If i can’t properly make love and satify the woman i love, i don’t really believe in karma anymore. The anger inside me grows and grows against the universe and i want to hurt myself to not hurt the others. I had great plans for my future and tons of stuff that i want to shoot, to make a film. But everything seems so dark now.
The people i trust the most stabs me from behind and i think universe is just fucking up with me. I tried to laugh, to make the universe laugh with me, but i think it is not holding my side anymore. All of this is a total joke guys, just for the sake of the joke. Feels like some kind of a dark energy selected us to torture, just for the sake of pleasure. I want to give maybe an one small chance to life via experimenting with DHT and hard stuff and if it won’t work, im going to shot myself in the head just to give a big fuck you back at the universe.

PS: Sorry for this negativity guys, i was in a dark place mentally. I feel a lot better now. I should stop dooming my situation and try to live the best i can, im in a realtionship now and i have to serve my best to my partner. Im a painter- artist and i work up to 8hours+ for my dreams. I started doing serious kegel exercises and that should overcome my all sexual fears. Don’t give up. Im not going to delete my above post, maybe just to show how different a person can think in just a short amount of time. Thanks for reading. Try kegels, eat healthy, meditate and do research scientific data and contribute to solve this disease please. Love is always be the best energy to manifest.

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