Hi fellow propeciahelp members,
Where does this all start? Well quite frankly it starts by me telling my story about how I was a outgoing person that everyone adored, cherised, and loved having me around them. Where does this all end? It ended right when finasteride made me into a zombie that thinks about commiting suicide 24/7. What is my name? I was held in a mental ward for 4 days because I was so out of my mind that I actually fell for it when my mother took me to the hospital. I am so sleep deprived everyday that I start having ADHD symptoms because I’m so hyper when I speak to someone. It’s weird. Lets go back on my mental ward story. I was held under 5150, sure I think about suicide 24/7 but I didn’t admit to being suicidal while being held because I was afraid they would shove more drugs into me that might have reactions like Propecia. I’m afraid of drugs now. I stutter in general. I take Lyrica to treat my stuttering. It helps but my stuttering turned into slurring once starting finasteride. I turned from a stutterer to a slurrer. Does that make sense?
I have a name that I used to use when I was in paradise. I’ll go by my new given nickname Ducati702 on here. I’d like to thank a billion dollar company that bribed FDA (true or not that’s what I think because it makes me 2% happier) to passing a drug that we know by the generic name of finasteride. Finasteride should be black boxed with: “do not touch; regardless of sex.” I’d love to share by story but it isn’t important because I took generic. I’d love to thank my doctor about bringing up Proscar when Propecia came into topic about it not being covered under my insurance plan. I’d be heard if I took Propecia. See where I’m going with this? I’ve been reading this blog for over a year, I became a member a few months back but never had the mental energy to even click “new topic.” I was the smartest, brightest, and most outgoing guy before starting generic proscar. My doctor told me to split them into half but I didn’t listen to him and took quarters. Sure I bent the rule a little but I was doing this because of financial reasons and also about reading that it makes more sense taking quarters.
This has became personal to a point where I start writing Merck personal letters and not getting a reply back. Merck, I’m not going to beg to get a reply back but have the decency to write back on how you made FDA pass your precious drug that you named “Propecia.” And don’t send me your trials because those were also bribed (that’s what I like to think because it makes me 2 1/2% happier) Black box warning in other counteries but now in America. Greed and power plays a role with this. Million dollar salary CEO’s with 3 butlers and a few Lamborghinis. I drive a minivan at the age of 24 and I’m comfortable. Get it?
I can’t fall asleep anymore. Words dont explain this. I seriously can not fall asleep. Words still dont express on how I dont fall asleep. No doctors believe me that finasteride made me like this. Not a single doctor I’ve seen so far. It’s sad. I have bi-polar/ADHD symptoms after finasteride. A depression that I got numbed too. A depression so black that I go a few days without eating or showering. I’ve gone a few weeks without even going outside because I get panic attacks so bad that I drop soda cans that I’m holding or coffee mugs that destroyed my parents marble floor so many times that my parents thought I was on street drugs. I miss falling asleep because those were the nights that I was loved and adored by people. I’ve lost so many friends. I changed my number 3 times because I’m ashamed of talking to people because I don’t return calls nor texts backs. I dont email my father and I should because he’s out in Afghanistan working with the U.S. Army. My father asks me why I dont email him. I cry when he hangs up because it hurts. No one knows that I dont have any mental energy. It’s hard to explain when no one knows your pain. I dont commit suicide because my parents wont ever know any answers. So hard to live when no doctor knows your pain. I’m numbed to depression and panic attacks - whenever I have panic attacks now I just laugh it off because I’m so numbed to it.
I was born with a speech impediment. I stuttered until I started finasteride. I don’t stutter anymore, I slur my speech now and get heavy blocks. I started seeking stuttering treatment during and after finasteride because I was so much without answers on why this was going on. Now it makes a little more sense. I’d love to thank my doctor for writing me generic because if I took name brand Propecia I’d be hard. Now I won’t be heard. A panic attack so bad that I actually “go to restroom” right on the spot if that makes any sense. My world is in my room. No lights on, in bed, and just closing my eyes screaming so loud silently in my head to fall asleep. Ambien puts me to sleep for 1 hour - the rest I’m awake but with my eyes closed. If I do fall asleep I still wake up with a hangover feeling. I’m starting to run out of lies with my friends and family on why I’m like this.
I’m that type of person that never believed in street drugs. I didn’t touch drugs up until I felt desperate to find something to make me hungary. I started to smoke/vaporize pot to give me appetite. I hate smoking. I really do - I feel bad for smoking but when your in my world and full of desperation to eat because your so hungary that your stomach just can’t survive on water and milk. I only smoke in the evening. I eat once a day now - yes only once a day for the past few months. I was the biggest eater that you would of ever met before finasteride. I’m ashamed of smoking pot - no offence to anyone that enjoys it because I have friends that do it in the normal bases and it doesn’t bother me. I didn’t do it for a reason - I wanted to join the military or become a firefighter. My dream is shattered as far as career wise goes. I was held under 5150 against my will. No one will ever hire me - the Army doesn’t want a known suicidal person.
I lost hope. I really did. I lost it. I’m losing my mind and no one is believing me. I was totally fine before finasteride.
I know the pain the you guys go through. Most have made it through and succeded and I’m so proud of you all that are pushing it to survive the post-symptoms. I’ve done nearly 60% of the treatment mentioned on this blog and it didn’t help me. The 40% I’ll do but I swear to you guys I just don’t have that mental energy. I dont even have the mental energy to write. I’m pushing my self 100% times harder to type this.
- Ducati702