I love your blog Mandi. Can’t wait to see you on {REDACTED}
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as much as you dont believer her/him…some people will never believe us. get over it
I’m not heckling nor suggesting that sexuality was under question. But one does not simply have the desire to cross dress overnight. Become so comfortable with there sexuality as a transgender. I should keep my opinion to myself, it’s really irrelevant. Apoolgies.
Maybe not overnight. But over 3 years of being basically on death’s door unable to move forward or comprehend what the hell was happening to me, yes, I feel lucky I found a way to move forward. I’ve already said publicly maybe I had a genetic predisposition or something - but I wouldn’t be speaking out if I didn’t feel this was a direct cause. I mean look at the diagram in the post today on my blog. Finasteride and estradiol are the same 2 drugs all the people in my transgender support group take. I haven’t taken anything other than the finasteride for hair loss stopping in 2009. I had never cross dressed in my life until 18 months after quitting finasteride. When I did, to my surprise, I got this feeling that I felt more natural - in the way my body and mind was today, not the way it had always been. And my body and mind are nothing today like they always were pre-finasteride.
The science on my blog post today makes sense to me but it’s not encouraging. I don’t expect everyone to believe me… I have no reason to need or want everyone to. The important thing is if you take the transgender away, I still have all the effects from PFS just like everyone else on this site. All I’m doing is sharing a true series of events that happened to me over 3 years. I found it too unbelievable to keep to myself and evidently quite a few people agree.
But it doesn’t help anyone to have thousands of people suffering in silence. More people need to yell, loudly.
It is fact that finasteride effects 3 hormonal pathways, I do understand that you think finasteride made you feel feminine or less of an Alpha. I wasn’t trying to heckle you by the way, but I think you being comfortable as transgender suggests that it was always an underlying fantasy and not the direct cause of PFS, of course I am sorry to hear you suffer the same sides of us all. I was just addressing some of the sensationlism that comes from your blog.
I’m glad to hear you are comfortable and knowledgeable enough on how everybody operates that you are able to make such skilled judgments. Do you do tarot readings too? Msg me!!
Are you happy that the issue is receiving attention through me or not? Stick to what matters. Why do I bother you?
You are not right, but I presume you’d prefer to keep your comments to yourself.
I encourage anyone with a desire to vent to be open and honest with me… don’t worry I’m a big girl so don’t hold back. =)
As I have some large interview(s) approaching, I wouldn’t mind at all debating anyone’s doubts about my story, right here in this forum.
I would have never cross dressed or come out as transgender if I did not take Finasteride. PERIOD. Every symptom, testimonial, study, research paper, interview, and scientific explanation points exactly toward verifying what is hard to believe - which is my story is the WHOLE truth - nobody was more shocked by my story than me, which is exactly why I felt the need to share it publicly.
I have read everything. If you disagree with the above, bring facts. Maybe there are parts of the story I need to clarify or explain better on my blog which I’m not aware of. Or maybe people just like to judge others because it makes them feel a little better during their day but they’re too lazy to read any of the facts past the first paragraph.
=)
- mandi
Don’t worry about propeciashiz. He’s a 21 year old kid from Australia. He didn’t even want to show his face in a YouTube video that has some 75 views. We are all very thankful you are telling your story to the world. Can’t wait for your next big interview. When will it be by the way?
Soooooooooooooooooooooooo true.
Let me try and explain this a little more clearly:
First off, someone asked me what if a cure is found and wouldn’t I like to have my old self back.
My reply: “yes i would rather have my old identity. it doesnt feel at all possible. i do not feel like the same person in any way that i was before. i liked the person (better) who i was before. but i am not that person now, due to finasteride.”
Mine is not a story of a guy who sat around fantasizing and secretly cross dressing for many years only to be so thrilled to finally come out as transgender.
I was with my ex-wife 10 years. I never once wore a single piece of her clothing, or any women’s clothing, while I was with her or at any time previously in my life.
I have stated publicly, in interviews and on my blog and Facebook, that I “might” have had a bisexual tendency but that is based only on a brief period of exploration when I was young that quickly resulted in me determining I liked women more. I didn’t have thoughts like that again until 2009, months after starting Finasteride.
So, #1 you are right that all of this should be irrelevant, but it’s not for 2 reasons: that’s how society works, and the science validates my story.
#2, I want to give you an idea of the time period in which I accepted that I was -now- feeling transgender, in early 2011. This was not a happy time of friends and parties about accepting myself.
My story at that time sounded very familiar to the posts on this board by user “paximperia” who sadly is no longer with us. His description of “pacing back and forth across his house for 3 days” sounded VERY familiar to me. In fact, in May of this year it was hearing about a Propecia suicide in the news which originally attracted my attention to learning about Post Finasteride Syndrome. I was always the most optimistic, power-of-positive thinking type “A” person before. I mean I had a 40 employee business at age 26 and passed out copies of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. But now I have the vivid memories of having confronted suicide several times. So when I saw that someone had killed themselves after taking this drug, that caught my attention.
I was suffering anxiety/panic attacks and had never experienced even a mild panic attack before around a year after I quit finasteride.
By early 2011, I was living without electricity, having panic attacks daily, no money, job, or health insurance… I hardly got out of bed for months. I’d have these panic attacks that felt like my whole energy and personality just being sucked away. They were very intense - I’ve had probably 10 calls to 911 and 5 visits to the ER for panic attacks since the start of 2011. I have learned to control them better and this year it’s only happened 3 times, although it can still happen but I have just learned to prevent it better. I did have one last month sending me to the ER.
During these attacks I would look in the mirror and not see myself looking back. I was changing. Part of me was just disappearing.
I was depressed for so many months… approx Jan-May 2011 - after finally having a conversation with myself about suicide for the 3rd time - something clicked in my head - determination - to live - to be happy - to be the best parent for my son. I decided that the answer to “that question” would ALWAYS BE NO. That was my decision.
From there it became a matter of really trying to connect with what I needed to do to pull myself out of depression. Or at least severe depression.
By 2011 I was experiencing this “tingling” sensation over my scalp and left face - I didn’t know what it was but I did tell my ex-wife at the time it literally felt like I had a chemical burn in my head. It felt like the hangover that wouldn’t go away. But over time it began to clearly feel like SENSATION COMING BACK in my scalp and left face, that I did not even realize had gone away. The feeling was strongest around the crown of my head in the hair follicles. All signs that Finasteride caused that.
By 2011 it had been over 2 years that I had felt absolutely no connection between my mind and male body parts. Still true. Over time this had gotten to the point where in my head is starts to feel like it’s not there at all. Anyone experiencing those types of symptoms for not months, but YEARS, is at some point going to ask themselves if they are feeling like a woman.
That’s how I asked myself. In desperation. trying to pull myself from anxiety and depression.
But the answer was YES - I was feeling like a woman. That would scare the hell out of me and I’d spend another few days trying to get anxiety back under control. And then I’d confront it again - and YES - felt like a woman. Another round of anxiety. Over and over and over, for 2 years. After a year of that I told my ex-wife and started counseling.
Now it may be because I was a pre-med Biology major at UVA who specialized in genetics, worked in pharmaceutical research labs for 2 years and used to win awards for my research projects before finasteride decimated me. But the entry I posted to my blog yesterday (mandimckee.com/2012/08/23/how-finasteride-alters-brain-chemistry-from-male-to-female/) seems like there could be no more clear scientific explanation of what I was experiencing last year with the severe depression and anxiety. The male parts of my brain were physically shrinking to resemble female brain parts (see my blog post above) after being doused in the female hormone Estradiol for months if not years thanks to Finasteride. Every time I would get depressed about what was happening to my mind and body (from Finasteride), as explained in my blog post, my body would attempt to make the chemical Allopregnanolone to combat the depression, which is the body’s normal response. However, Finasteride blocks that from being created and instead creates Estradiol, the most potent female hormone which is the primary drug, sometimes in combination with finasteride, that transgender men take in order to become women M2F.
So unlike my transgender friends, I was (and likely still am) receiving Estradiol straight from my brain’s misguided attempt to control depression and anxiety, instead of taking Estradiol as a pill which most transgender people take.
The depression and anxiety would go unchecked because the body keeps trying to make more Allopregnanolone but isn’t getting any, all the while creating more and more female Estradiol. This explains the trips to the ER and calls to 911 with uncontrollable anxiety attacks - your body’s mechanism to stop anxiety is blocked by Finasteride. This creates a cycle of increasing stress/depression resulting in more female hormones meaning more stress/depression… UNTIL eventually, after MANY MONTHS of the worst depression and anxiety imaginable, I finally said STOP - OK - I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN, I AM OK WITH THAT, ANYTHING TO PULL MYSELF UP FROM HERE. And what do you know, I’d feel better. Over time, even up to today, I still have to control myself from letting me slip into worry or sadness about things too much, because I have learned that my body doesn’t deal well any more with stress.
When I looked in the mirror I saw a woman. When I dressed like a woman, my depression and anxiety would let up. Not completely, but better. When I started to accept that I was now a woman, my depression and anxiety started to get better still.
It gave me hope again to be able to visualize a future where I could still prosper and be happy. Or lat least to be someone capable of moving forward, at all.
And that was all over a year before I connected any of what was happening to my prior use of Finasteride.
I will be perfectly honest… I feel like I may have been recovering a little better BEFORE discovering this link to Finasteride and PFS. Before, I thought all my symptoms were caused by just being depressive about my sexuality. I was “in control” of my recovery, although it hadn’t been going too quickly. That was before I discovered thousands of other men had all the same symptoms after taking Finasteride. Seeing scientific evidence that suggests you may have symptoms that are irreversible isn’t a real mood booster for anyone.
So I am really sharing my story because #1 the facts are too unbelievable for me to digest alone and #2 after sharing my story, I plan to put it in a box and move on with life the best way I can, not looking back.
So this whole post should probably be in Webster’s under TMI (too much info). But that is the situation I am in, people have questions, and I am more than happy to answer them.
I believe when you say our brains were being constantly bombarded with estradiol/estrogen…however to say that change is irreversible is not accurate at all…we all know about the brain plasticity…once you get the other messed up metabolisms in check…once you start to produce the allopregnanolone again…and that particular part of the brain starts to get in contact with the male hormones…i dont see why we couldnt go back to normal…dont forget we had recoveries here , and i find myself now feeling almost cured…there are ups and downs…but im getting better by the day.
Mandi congratulations…seriously.
thank u braziliandude =)
well, i too agree with you that the brain is “plastic” and if it can be changed one way, it can be changed another.
whether and how long each of us is willing or able to wait for such a cure is such a personal decision with PFS.
sometimes some people may find their own cure in the absence of an official one. I feel that is what happened with me.
but i don’t want to say i am cured… i have a debilitating case of brain fog and forgetfulness along with persistent physical symptoms and more.
But I now accept and deal with those symptoms better than the “old me” did. As I said on my blog, “the old me” feels to have died from the effects I had.
Having a positive future requires being able to have a positive vision for the future - we all should…
mandi =)
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Where is this man? Where are his blogs? He was honest and extremly inteligent! I wish he come back, and I wish someone has his links.
If you mean @propecia-victim-FL, their website address is offline but maybe you can find it in an Internet archive (check their profile), and they have not signed in over the past 5 years.