New member need help in finding some form of medication to get me through the worst of this

Low Dose Naltrexone is great for the depression and much safer than anti depressant drugs.

http://www.lowdosenaltrexone.org/index.htm#What_diseases_has_it_been_useful_for

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Things I have thought recently:

  • Envying US sufferers of pfs as they have access to shotguns which gives the highest chance of successful suicide to lowest amount of pain ratio.

  • Wishing I had cancer or AIDS rather than pfs. AIDS sufferers have treatment drugs and cancer, well you either get better or you eventually die. However, when you die, you do not leave your family with the shame and sadness that suicide would bring upon them. You can die with relative dignity and everyone will be sympathetic as they understand what cancer is.

  • Because of the previous point, when in a ā€œbetterā€ mental state (i.e not thinking of suicide all day but sufficiently distracting myself, hour to hour to get through the day) I have considered if there is a way to give myself cancer. Sunbeds everyday until skin cancer?

Itā€™s like when you watch a movie and you see a character get themselves in a position where they know theyā€™re dead and canā€™t get out of it. Iā€™m 99% sure this ends in suicide for me. I said to myself the last few weeks I owe it to myself to at least give it a year from the point when this began but I honestly donā€™t think I can make it that long. What a drug this is that it can kill you but keep you alive at the same time. Again, at least with cancer you actually die at the end of the suffering.

New symptom last few weeks are eye floaters. Donā€™t like to state a new symptom until itā€™s been a few weeks and these are definitely getting worse. Just float past my vision most of the day.

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Hey Tzinkman

I am very sad to read your post, and that you have been hurt so bad by so few pills. Your words and thoughts could have been mine when I came off finasteride over 11 years ago, and crashed horribly (was on the drug for about a month). All I could think of was ending it all, and how to do so. I was 100% sure I was not going to make it to my next birthday. But for similar reasons to yours I tried to keep on going, just trying to endure the hell and let it go over me, often in tears. Since then, my suicidal depression turned into some kind of depressed anhedonia. I can work and function in daily life, even though itā€™s not great as it used to be.

I am one of the founding members of the PFS Foundation, and have been an admin on this site for over 10 years. One of the things which keeps me going, is my hope and belief that there is a way out of this for us all. As said, my life was great before this happened, and I want it back. I will not give in to this nonsense until I die of a natural death, and still have a working brain. We, the admins and mods of this site, are working hard to find the path out of this maze, and so is the Foundation. Give us some time, and hang in there. I am confident there is some light appearing at the end of the tunnel. Also, never underestimate the healing powers of your body. Without doing anything, your body is likely to re-balance itself to a certain degree over time. Looking around on this site, you may find some suggestions that will help you, and our friendly and supportive community is there to help you as well.

Hang in there please, even though this may seem like an impossible request at the moment.

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Great post, Awor!

There seems to be a lot of stuff going on in the background. Maybe it would be helpful to let people know how we can help with these efforts. Surely, with more resources we could do more. Donating to the Foundation is the obvious thing and I can only encourage everyone to do so. What else can we do?

Thanks again for all your efforts!

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I promise youā€™ll be able to help in the near future, and it wonā€™t even cost a cent. Stay tuned. :slight_smile:

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That sounds really good news :blush:

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Sounds like new studie(s) in the pipelineā€¦

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Shit is getting real.

Accutaner here. Know that we are in this together. Propecia, Accutane, SSRI. We are close. And there is background activity.

Donā€™t do anything daft. Keep going and letā€™s win this together, man.

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Using this thread to document.

Iā€™m experiencing a misery inhuman in its intensity. I feel so bad I feel like Iā€™m going to PUKE. Nausea sits at the back of my throat when itā€™s at its worst.

Suicide isnā€™t a guaranteed way out, a lot of people fail when they attempt it and end up in worse pain than before. Thereā€™s no sure way to commit suicide.

Itā€™s really not worth it to even try it.

I know, thatā€™s what scares me. I donā€™t even want to die but this mental pain is so hard, it often becomes intolerable.

If you feel really that bad I cant believe you dont even try some things. When i was at my worst 2 years ago i couldnt accept the situation and ordered progesterone cream and tribulus.

Dont sit on your ass all day and cry. Do something to get better.

If you are really suicidal you would try stuff and take risks.

Yeah I assumed you knew a little bit about it when you stated the shotgun fact. But nobody really knows which part of the brain to hit and shooting it yourself is just asking for trouble, you could end up in the hospital alive with a hole in your head in agony. Short of asking someone to shoot you a few times, which nobody would agree to, this option is a definite no.

Assisted suicide is a joke too, doctors have no idea how much fentanyl to give you, they think a certain dose is lethal but you have no way knowing if youā€™re gonna throw it up before you die. Again you could easily end up in the hospital with damaged organs.

Do you think Iā€™d do a ten day water fast for the fun of it? I havenā€™t sat on my ass. Iā€™m doing a comprehensive parasitology stool test though I doubt it will reveal anything. Unless someone can point out something which successfully treats this shocking depression and anhedonia. Does progesterone and tribulus help with that? Mirtazepine isnā€™t helping though it is mercifully allowing for eight hours sleep at least.

Also, because my symptoms are so wide ranging and severe, trying some things might put me in an even worse position. I am desperately trying to hold on here.

Prog and tribulus safed my life. It doesnt work for everyone, but if youre a bit lucky it could increase your baseline from 0 to 50% within weeks. I was at 0. Had nothing to lose.

If you want details thereā€™s a thread here about progesterone.

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From which city are you Invictus? im german too

Can you tell me how you rate your situation before and after the water fast, and what changed during and after? Thanks.

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Hi Tzinkman,

Extremely sorry to hear how bad of a position you are in right now.

Know that no one who is responding to you is exaggerating the number/rate of people with PFS who recover to a more tolerable state of existence within the first 6 months-year after crashing. Iā€™ve been reading the stories of people with this condition for nearly 8 years now, and it is almost unanimous that a partial recovery happens in the first year. Itā€™s more than simply getting accustomed to the changes. Our brains and bodies must adjust to compensate for what we lost, to some degree.

Please do whatever it takes to survive for the first year at least, by any means necessary.

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Warning: Long post which includes what was essentially a journal charting my experience during the fast and afterwards. Will include a tl;dr at the end.

I began the water fast ten days after my very first crash when this all began for me. Because I fasted during the thick of the first crash, so soon after it all began, itā€™s difficult to say what improvements would have come anyway and what were the result of the fast. With that said, Iā€™ll describe what happened:

In the ten days leading up to beginning the fast, I was undergoing the pfs crash. I couldnā€™t sleep, had 100 year old man levels of fatigue, insane levels of anxiety on and off, inhuman depression - impossible to feel any joy or pleasure in my brain, no erections, numb glans, spinning vertigo type feelings. However, the most pressing I suppose was after eating, I would have a feeling like an anvil had been tied around my neck, a storm in my mind that made it difficult to process the simplest of cognitive tasks, an inability to look at TV, smartphone etc, text in general. I also had very low appetite. I was eating sub 1000 calories anyway in the lead up to beginning the fast.

Because I was experiencing this after eating, and at the advice of others on another forum, I decided to water fast. I had no choice as eating was making me feel so bad anyway.

During the fast

Sleep was the same or worse. Physically was inevitably much weaker, had a bath and almost couldnā€™t get out of it. However, brain swelling/pressure was hugely reduced, anxiety was reduced. Felt calmer and could concentrate easier.

Eight days in, I wrote:

The mental benefits have been the most fruitful and remarkably, Iā€™ve so far managed to avoid the intolerable inability to focus, the depression and the dreadful brain fog which characterised my post crash, pre water fast state.

Upon completion of the fast I wrote:

Mentally, the fast has helped a tremendous amount. Prior to the fast I didnā€™t think I could last a couple of weeks without going to a mental hospital. I couldnā€™t concentrate on anything and was in despair. Since the fast, Iā€™m able to think a lot clearer, watch tv/movies, enjoy twitter etc.

After the fast

Easiest for me to copy/paste my posts from this period then give a retrospective afterwards.

Three weeks after first crashing, four days into re-feeding:

The Good

Monday morning (second day of re-feed) was the first day I could walk around for more than five minutes. Managed to fold and rearrange my big pile of clothes, brushed teeth and shower. Family came round for Easter so had long conversations, couple of hours and it was no problem. However, an hour after they left, I must have had what Iā€™ve seen numerous pfs sufferers refer to as a crash, in the sense that I became pretty exhausted and irritable and just lied on the couch for the rest of the day.

Yesterday (third day of the re-feed) was unquestionable the best day Iā€™ve had since the crash began in earnest. From waking around 9 am, I didnā€™t lie down on the couch until about 5 pm. Finally preparing my own food, numerous errands on computer, kept myself busy, doing washing up, helping my mum with tasks etc. Mind was relatively clear throughout. Felt incredibly grateful to be feeling a bit human again after weeks of despair on the couch. Appreciating small things.

The not so good

Today began as well as yesterday. Clear mind, had energy. Had to go to the doctor early so didnā€™t eat until I got back. Had a shave, got all excited to go for a walk (!). However, after having a shower and getting dressed, oh dear, had some sort of crash and had to abandon those plans for the walk. Donā€™t know if it was from eating or something else but suddenly had that feeling again that Iā€™d been smacked over the back of the head and I had to lie back down on the couch. That was about 1 pm and I feel a little better now but still a bit foggy. STILL getting this weird vertigo type feeling when sat down, lying slightly back. Sometimes when stood but less frequent. Never had vertigo in my life before this.

Overall, I felt very optimistic this morning about my progress and still do feel so at the strides thus far but a bit grumpy that this crash happened today after feeling so much better (in relative terms). Why do these swings happen?

List of ongoing symptoms

Vertigo: Still there on and off, particularly when lying back on couch, playing first person perspective game, looking around too quickly.

Broken sleep: Much improved last two nights. Still woke screaming last night but not from a nightmare; I mustā€™ve leaned on my right forearm (which has tendinitis currently) and woke roaring with a sharp pain there.

Tinnitus: very noticeable when sat in silence. Had this mildly before pfs but seems to be worse now.

Fatigue: Big boost from re-feeding, even if it is still probably around 500 cals a day. The fatigue seems to be related to the brain fog.

Brain fog: As previously mentioned, had fairly clear mind during fast but fogginess has returned sometimes after eating.

Erections: Woke up with quite strong wood this morning but as usual, penis feels weird and it goes down almost immediately after waking and attempting any sort of masturbation. Glans still feels like itā€™s been numbed and a bit deflated. Managed to self stimulate to about 50% erection in the bath after five to ten minutes of constant manipulation but nothing that would be suitable for penetration. Still avoiding whatever orgasm I might be currently capable of whilst re-feeding and getting my energy back.

Libido: Quite high (havenā€™t ejaculated in three weeks, havenā€™t viewed porn). Hot girls in adverts are turning me on. A mere picture of a topless girl with her hands over the nips was enough to get me aroused yesterday.

Nose: Still feels squidgy.

Misc: Folliculitis, tendinitis. Body temperature issues have resolved for last few days.

Five days post-fast

Not a good day today.

Felt like shit from waking at 8.30 until about 3 pm when I perked up a bit. Little energy during the first half of the day, largely spent on the couch despairing thinking about how bad my current situation is. Every morning I wake, the absence of feeling/power/motive in my groin area disturbs me. It extends to my whole body too, I can feel a lack of testosterone or androgens, shocking feeling.

I havenā€™t described it this way before but hereā€™s the problem with my penis, other than it wonā€™t go hard at present: it feels as though thereā€™s no differentiation between the glans and the rest of it. Pre-pfs, when Iā€™d pull the foreskin back, I could always feel the distinction. Has anyone else experienced it this way?

Six days post-fast

What an improvement today.

  • Woke at 7.30 am after a decent nightā€™s sleep. Solid morning wood upon waking but went down when trying to rub it.
  • Decent energy levels, did previous dayā€™s washing up and prepared my own food.
  • Showered, brushed teeth etc
  • For the first time since the crash, left the house and went out shopping myself.

Did feel quite fatigued by that so went to lie on the couch. While on the couch, got a spontaneous erection! The first one since crash, no porn or even sexual thoughts really. Started masturbating to test it and it stayed up. Glans felt a bit less sensitive but this was an erection capable of sex and my penis was roughly the same size as pre-crash too. I think it was about an 85-90% erection. Could have masturbated to climax but remembered reading on a thread here somewhere about possibly crashing from orgasm if your bodyā€™s still not in good condition and considering Iā€™m half way through a re-feed, I didnā€™t want to risk it.

Iā€™m feeling very, very grateful right now about this.

Other good news: vertigo symptoms didnā€™t present much yesterday and only a little today.

New symptoms: Bit of pain in penis glans yesterday and right testicle has become very tender to the touch, I donā€™t think I could currently do a ball check without jumping with pain. Hopefully will subside but will have it checked when I next see the doctor.

Oh the optimism an erection can bring: Iā€™m not totally impotent. Lifts a large weight off the mind. Feeling grateful for it.

Seven days post-fast

Quite a bad day again today. Strong brain fog and a bit of vertigo so spent a lot of it on the couch. Mentally, Iā€™m just having to accept that this will be how it is for a while, good days and not so good days. Really hoping the neurological sides will be resolved sooner rather than later, itā€™s so hard to do anything when the mind is not in a clear state.

Could be something to do with last night. Fell asleep around 11.50 pm and woke up around twenty minutes later with a strong erection (was having a sexual dream). Sat with it awake and was having very strong sexual thoughts, almost like hyperactive, teenage like horny feeling. Quite intense. Then I was mildly concerned it might have been priapism (read about a pfs guy on another forum who had to have penis drained or something), the erection was just staying there. This was just paranoia as it did go down once I resolved to stop thinking the sexual thoughts and go for a pee instead. Didnā€™t get back to sleep until around 12.45 am, then was woken up at 6 am, back to sleep then woken again at 7.30 am.

Twelve days post-fast

The progress over last few days has been pretty phenomenal. My sleep has improved a great deal. Iā€™ve had several nights of solid slumber and if I have awoken in the middle of the night, itā€™s mostly because I was silly and ate a big bowl of broth shortly before bed and then I needed to urinate.

The most impressive improvement has been sexually. Erections have been prompted by not much stimulation and are maintained without constant attendance. Masturbated to climax for the first time in four weeks the other day and size has returned, firmness was there and sensitivity was very good. Still a slightly odd feeling around the underside of the glans and where the frenulum is but on the whole very good.

When flaccid, penis still has a bit of a rubbery feeling but hanging much fuller and I think glans sensation is starting to differentiate from the rest of the penis, itā€™s becoming more sensitive which is excellent. Scrotum also hanging nice and full for the most part.

Iā€™ve been sticking diligently to a clean diet. Eating lots and lots of spinach along with kale. White rice with lemon and egg soup. White rice with spinach and chicken stir fried with organic butter and olive oil. Or rice and spinach with pork or salmon. Going to try sweet potato and steak tonight.

Cold showers daily after hot shower, thirty to sixty seconds cold blast. Folliculitis almost gone, didnā€™t take the antibiotics.

Fatigue and head whirring are the two symptoms which still need a fair bit more improvement. Head whirring has actually improved a lot but is still happening here and there, particularly when I lean my head back relaxing on the couch or, notably, when scrolling on the computer screen or on TV. Fatigue has hit me hard the last few days after going out for an hour or so walk. Energy levels have dropped off a lot in the afternoons. However, today started off with fatigue but then improved in the afternoon after having a much bigger portion of rice and chicken than Iā€™ve been used to on the re-feed. So, Iā€™m hoping fatigue will continue to improve the more I increase my daily calorie count.

Other oddities:

  • Diet has been nearly sugar free. Tried a glass of sweetened almond milk the other day and had a minute or so of weird brain fogginess. Fruit smoothies were making my brain fog the worst during the nadir of my crash so I think thereā€™s some sugar sensitivity going on here. Iā€™d love to have some chocolate but I donā€™t want to jeopardise the progress Iā€™ve been making on this diet.

  • First ejaculation in four weeks which must be the longest Iā€™ve gone since I could masturbate. Orgasm was great but my ejaculate was very watery and I was NOT expecting it. Practically like urine in consistency and a lot of it too. I donā€™t know if itā€™s because of fin (watery semen a noted side effect) or because Iā€™ve been on a water fast followed by a mostly broth based diet. My semen is usually thick and white, this was almost transparent. Not going to masturbate again until next week, donā€™t want to over do it while recovering.

  • Both forearms still feeling sprained with tendonitis like feeling, canā€™t extend them out or contort them behind my back without a sharp pain. Also, triceps still feel sore, arms in general feel a bit battered when I wake in the mornings. Hoping this will all improve with increased calorie count.

Overall, Iā€™m feeling very lucky with the progress Iā€™ve made and how improved I am compared to before the fast.

Sixteen days post-fast

Donā€™t know whatā€™s happened today but Iā€™m experiencing symptoms Iā€™d thought and hoped Iā€™d put behind me. First time since the beginning of the re-feed that Iā€™ve felt scared.

Since my post on Thursday, Iā€™d been improving daily. Brain whirring reducing in frequency again. Sexual function practically fully recovered, regular erections even from sitting thinking about sex, solid morning wood, sensitivity almost 100%. Did masturbate to climax again on Saturday and ejaculate was thicker this time.

Started waking again for no reason but all in all getting enough sleep for it to not be a problem.

Biggest issues have been fatigue and pain in arms and wrists.

Awoke this morning and probably felt the best I have since crashing. Woke up to morning wood. Got up, and did usual routine, took chicken from slow cooker, drained the broth, did previous eveningā€™s washing up etc. Decided on scrambled eggs and spinach for breakfast. Then sat on the couch watching tv and on the internet, felt good, enjoying what Iā€™m doing.

However, a few hours later, I went to the toilet to defecate. Iā€™m still having infrequent bowel movements at the moment, once every two to four days. As I was excreting, I was reading twitter on my phone. After a few minutes, it was becoming difficult to focus and concentrate, felt as though my mind was racing too quickly.

I felt worse an hour later. My mum tried to converse with me but I just held my hand up, couldnā€™t really do it.

Decided to have chicken broth, chicken, rice and spinach and I felt a little bit better afterwards, only marginally though. Enough to where the fear went away a bit and I could think a little bit clearer. Since then been sat on the couch, still feeling fucked up and I type this, spaced out.

I canā€™t understand why this has happened today like this.

All I can think is that I still need to eat the broth within the first few hours of waking? I was hoping to move on from the broth after today in fact, so good has my progress been and I wanted to move to rice, potatoes, meats, fish and greens full time. Maybe when I had a shit, I lost minerals or something, Iā€™ve no idea.

Itā€™s knocked my confidence a bit. Up until this happened today I was feeling really good, mentally and sexually with the arm pain and fatigue to be resolved. Canā€™t understand it. Still feeling really lucky and grateful for all the progress so far.

Can anyone say why this sort of thing can happen after such improvement and no particular change to the routine?

Three weeks post-fast

Today has been pretty abhorrent. Itā€™s been a mixed week, some good and bad so Iā€™ll give an outline here.

A week ago today I was at a point where I thought I was almost cured in many respects. Brain fog hadnā€™t bothered me since the beginning of the re-feed and sexually I was in some respects even better than pre-crash. No depression. Then on Monday, brain fog returned (documented two posts ago in this thread).

Tuesday, Wednesday decent, no brain fog. Masturbated to orgasm on Thursday, strong erection, full size, 90-95% sensitivity. Ejaculate thick and white like pre-crash.

Friday good day on the whole, bit foggy around 11am until early afternoon. Felt exhausted that evening several hours before my typical bed time.

Saturday, brain fog and whirring vertigo symptoms around 11 am again. Felt a bit better as day went on.

Today, woke up and felt depression like I felt during the early days of the crash (not as bad though). Had diarrhea excretion in the morning. Seemed like more urinating than usual throughout the day. No motivation, not much pleasure, couldnā€™t be bothered to do anything. very little libido, penis and scrotum turtling again a bit, glans somewhat numb. This is very unusual given the previous ten days or so where I went through an amazing spell of my penis being full when flaccid (more so than pre-crash) and libido was quite high, getting erections from sexual thoughts. In fact, it was incredible around 8 or 9 days ago, I was in the shower and some minor manual stimulation got a huge, bloated, thick erection that, even when I stopped stimulation, stood there at around 70% tumescence and wouldnā€™t go down for a long time. I really thought the DHT was back in full force but today has shaken my confidence somewhat. As it is, I can still get an erection but the depression was so bad today that I had no interest in getting one, plus Iā€™m concerned that ejaculating will ā€œcrashā€ my body a bit.

So, depression coming back like that is scary and itā€™s a pfs depression, not like the common or garden variety I sometimes experienced before the crash. Honestly, a week ago I thought Iā€™d managed to about have the better of this thing with the ten day fast alone, and that it was only a matter of getting calories back on track and managing the fatigue. I was going to do the ARL test anyway for my health but I now know I need to do it. Sample will be sent in the next few days.

Five weeks post-fast

Itā€™s been a couple months since crashing and Iā€™ve made great strides in many areas in that time. Iā€™ll list how Iā€™m doing in each area:

Sleep

Big improvements here. In the last few weeks Iā€™ve had fairly solid sleep. Iā€™m not sleeping a solid 8 hours like I could pre-crash but Iā€™m getting at least 6 hours per night and that is mostly uninterrupted. Last few days I have been waking to go and urinate then going back to sleep but overall I canā€™t complain much.

Appetite

Got my appetite back. Am now eating at least four meals a day and could eat more if I was eating a casual diet.

Sexual function

Very good improvement though not without some worrying days. Went through a period of getting morning wood every day consecutively but then had a string of days where I wasnā€™t and my penis felt like rubber when flaccid, with no sensitivity. Erections were around 75% and my glans had reduced feeling. Libido also dropped. That symptom where the urine feels like it stays halfway in the urethra came back too. However, Iā€™m happy to report that the last five or so days my sexual function is much better, glans has more sensation, harder erections, libido increased and urinating fairly normally again. Very grateful for this!

Fatigue

Big improvements here. Doing daily activities without getting too tired, energy levels much better. Had my first day back at the gym today. Loved it, Iā€™ve missed having a workout. Also had my first ever sauna while there.

My two biggest problems are brain fog/pressure in head feeling and what I think is vertigo. I wake up with a relatively clear head . The fog usually hits after eating but not always. Today for instance, I ate in the morning and was ok and went to the gym. After my post workout meal, my head felt heavy and itā€™s like a swelling/pressure sensation builds in the back of my brain. Definitely my worst symptom now.

The vertigo sensation happens on and off throughout the day but does have triggers. Washing up at the sink with the tap continuously running will trigger it. Happens regularly while sitting down and trying to concentrate on the tv. Scrolling on laptop/phone and trying to concentrate on different things rapidly too. Will ask my GP if I can see a vertigo specialist.

Eight weeks post-fast

Really rough symptoms since Wednesday evening this week. The awful depression has returned in the evenings the last nights, most intensely Friday night and earlier tonight. Went through basically a crash earlier on. Was trying to eat and I couldnā€™t chew my steak, no saliva - the same shit as when I first crashed and my appetite disappeared. Managed to eat my rice and kale though each mouthful was taking me an age to chew. After finishing, I just sat with my head in my hands, felt like I was not even all there. Friday night, I felt as though I was going to pass out the depression felt so bad. This is after several weeks of no depression at all of note (though vertigo and brain fog were still present). Also back on the couch watching nature programs on netflix for the first time since the worst of my crash. Felt cold and wore a hoodie plus pajamas and a blanket over me, despite it being a warm evening.

I donā€™t know if this is because Iā€™m ā€œover doingā€ it in the gym. Iā€™m not even doing that much in there but I have noticed fatigue creeping back in a bit (felt bad fatigue earlier today, fatigue I hadnā€™t felt for weeks). My hair test said to not do any strenuous exercise but that seemed like generic advice in the ARL booklet and most pfs recovery stories I read include gym workouts as hugely positive things. I also did a full 20 minute sauna today, donā€™t know if theyā€™re helping me or not.

Weighed myself the other day, down 8 kilos from my February, pre fin weight. I was a lot lighter than that after my fast, Iā€™ve been eating for weeks now. Shows how impactful pfs can be on oneā€™s weight.

Can still get an erection without much of a problem at all. Watching porn will produce an erection within minutes. Penis is very rubbery while flaccid though.

Also nearly passed out while walking the streets the other day, from weird spaced out feeling and some vertigo symptoms.

My brain feels as though its been broken into pieces then loosely sellotaped back together again.

Sleep is still good. Getting 6 - 8 hours per night, sometimes with no interruptions.

A day later

Probably the worst single experience since I crashed has just occurred. Left it nearly three hours from waking until eating. Hunger started up so had some chicken broth with chicken, brown rice and spinach. About ten minutes after finishing it, suddenly it felt as though a bomb went off in my brain. I literally shouted out ā€œARRRRGHHHā€, held my head and almost lost consciousness. Spent the next few minutes trying to root myself and not lose it. Nearly called an ambulance on the spot when it happened. Deep pressure in my head afterwards and still there now, not as strong though. Feel very traumatised and spaced out since, brain fog present.

Few things to note in the build up to this:

  • Had diarrhea this morning, havenā€™t had that for a while, my stools have been solid and fairly dry for the most part.

  • After eating, I was scrolling my phone with my hand resting on the table. Looked at the table after a few minutes and noticed little puddles of fluid where my hand had been. I donā€™t think Iā€™ve ever sweat profusely from the side of my palm, WTF

The day after that

After eating a small broth yesterday afternoon then becoming perilously depressed minutes later, Iā€™ve decided not to eat again. Donā€™t know if I should go all today fasting too. Already feeling weak, havenā€™t brushed my teeth or showered in a day and a half. Fell asleep last night at midnight then woke up and 1.30 am. Went for a pee then sat and scrambled on my phone for the Wim Hof breathing technique, I was so bleakly depressed and anxious. Tried the breathing technique and felt panic, I think. Trundled back to bed and collapsed with mental and physical exhaustion. Intermittent sleep followed.

I thought Iā€™d left all these severe symptoms behind but nearly having some sort of seizure/blackout yesterday proves I havenā€™t. Honestly I look at so many posts on pfs and majority talk of libido/sexual issues but mine are brain problems predominantly. Libido and erection issues are terrible but when in mental states like this, they seem almost like a luxury. Not eating in the last 18 hours has ā€œstabilizedā€ me a bit but I donā€™t think I can do an extended fast again so soon after the last one.

I donā€™t know if my problem is racing thoughts per se, itā€™s more I feel like in a different reality really. Yesterday I said to my mum, when the depression is hitting hardest, itā€™s painful to be alive. My brain feels zapped in some way. And yet, when Iā€™m out and about, I still notice girls, in fact, average girls seem beautiful to me now, but my desire for them is almost based on being cuddled by them and looked after. Can also still get an erection from porn or thinking intently about sex.

Iā€™m not freaking out today thankfully, but I havenā€™t eaten since yesterday. Eating makes all my mental symptoms worse.

A day later

Appreciate the post. This isnā€™t only depression, Iā€™ve awoke now after three hours of sleep feeling suicidal. It is torture living like this. Itā€™s going far beyond feeling like a man, alpha concerns. Feels like my brain is dying.

June 3 2018

Logging here the daily gauntlet of how my symptoms present and how they progress throughout the day

Mornings

  • Wake between 6.00 am - 7.30 am. Immediately upon waking my brain will feel relatively clear. However, once Iā€™ve got out of bed, gone for a pee etc there is a pressure which stems from the back of the brain and extends to around the sides of the temples. Body feels weak, low motivation.

First Meal Of The Day

  • Doesnā€™t seem to matter what combo of carbs, fats or proteins I eat, almost always the same result. As Iā€™m eating, the pressure/swelling feeling in my brain increases dramatically. I also get a very strong clouded feeling where my spatial abilities and cognition are severely impacted.

The Hour(s) Which Follows The First Meal - What I Call ā€œThe Danger Zoneā€

  • As I finish the last bite of the meal, I just sit, sometimes with my eyes closed, and give ten minutes for digestion. During this period I have learned to avoid reading (and even listening to podcasts/radio if the pressure is really bad). The reason for avoiding these activities, is they can quite literally crash my brain. The very first time this happened was three days post cessation of taking propecia at 0.25mg for four days. It was the first time I thought something was seriously wrong from taking the drug. Prior to this, nothing like this had happened to me in 32 years of life. So, the first time it happened, I was sat eating porridge and scrolling through Twitter on my desktop computer when a feeling like my brain was being pulled out of my head happened. I couldnā€™t read the words on the screen and I literally stood up away from the table to try to gather my bearings. Felt traumatised afterwards.

  • This happened to that severity again on Monday this week (28 May). Not during eating but about ten minutes after. I stupidly was reading on my phone whilst listening to the radio. Suddenly, a VERY intense pressure swelled in my brain, I dropped my phone on the table, very nearly blacked out, screamed out ā€œARRRRGHHā€ loudly, little white specks were in my vision briefly. Scrambled to turn the radio off (was only a man talking, no music, still felt insanely stressful in that moment to hear any noise). Nearly called an ambulance. I will refer these from now on as ā€œbrain zapsā€, for shorthand.

  • Those are the two most severe instances of post eating brain zaps. Usually, when in ā€œThe Danger Zoneā€, it is an intensification of the symptoms listed in ā€œThe First Meal Of The Dayā€ segment. I am at the point now where I am trying to avoid activity of any sort in the hour or two after first eating. Of course, this is severely debilitating and detrimental to my quality of life.

Mid-Morning to Early Afternoon

  • As the hours pass after eating, I go on with the head pressure and startled type feeling (the longer the pfs is going on for me, the more traumatised I feel). Mercifully, I can start to read again and perhaps listen to the radio without fearing a proper brain zap. If I feel one approaching, I just close my eyes for a minute or so and maybe turn the audio down.

  • In general, my brain feels mashed up. Approximately described, it feels like a severe hangover when dehydrated type feeling though this isnā€™t really accurate. It also is what Iā€™d imagine the brain would feel like after a physical head injury.

Late Afternoon - Early Evening

  • Generally a little bit clearer, not as much head pressure. This period can be a time where the bleak, shocking depression comes in, depression unlike anything I had experienced before pfs. It is as though these is no pleasure center in my brain at all. Each minute to the next has no frame of reference, itā€™s as though I am losing who I am, where I am. Have to take deep breaths through the nose to calm the anxiety.

  • Eating in this period is better, doesnā€™t produce as much danger as the first meal of the day does.

Late Evening

  • Generally my best period of the day, generally feel the least stressed in this period. The window between around 9.00 pm - 10.00 pm I may try to play a gentle video game, though it is still difficult, head still spinning while playing and some motion sickness. Difficulty concentrating.

  • Will get incredibly fatigued around 10.00 pm - 11.00 pm. This is good in that I will fall asleep within five to ten minutes. This is the opposite of before pfs, when my whole adult life, I generally found it difficult to fall asleep but would then sleep deeply once I did.

  • Wake up throughout the night most nights. Sometimes only once then shortly fall back to sleep but at its worst, will wake several times and spend periods of time lying awake.

General Symptoms Which Arenā€™t Time Of Day Specific

  • Freezing cold hands and/or feet throughout most of the day.

  • Nose and area around eyes feels squishy, soft.

  • Tinnitus

  • Vertigo to varying degrees when out and about walking. Worse in the first half of the day.

  • Flaccid penis feels like rubber most of the day, glans sometimes pale yellowy or greenish colour. Can still get an erection from mental/visual arousal however, erection is same size as pre-pfs, glans sometimes feels slightly less filled with blood.

  • Very sensitive to loud noises or even quiet ones which are unexpected.

  • Increased light sensitivity.

  • Weight loss from eating severely reduced calories again.

  • Urine sometimes stuck in urethra, needs extra time to squeeze out.

  • General feeling of physical weakness.

  • Very low tolerance to anything remotely stressful.

  • Brain that feels like itā€™s been smashed apart then taped back together again.

  • General fragility.

Continued next post

From then until now

In the period since then to now, Iā€™ve had the crazy period where the room was slanting and it was mentally painful all day long to even be alive. During that period I started this thread and went on mirtazepine. Iā€™m happy to say that the slanted room stuff has abated for the most part, Iā€™m sleeping 8 hours uninterrupted most nights and Iā€™ve regained a lot of the lost weight.

Crucially, I generally no longer get the head pressure/swelling after eating now.

In retrospect

As I started the fast during the first four weeks following cessation of the drug, Itā€™s difficult to say how useful it was as some of the improvements could be attributed to the ā€œDHT coming back onlineā€ that is said to happen anyway following discontinuation. I distinctly remember going through a puberty-like stage where I was almost hyper sexual, briefly, and my penis was hanging full when flaccid and was becoming erect without much provocation. I can say with certainty that it helped with the brain pressure and fog, naturally, as that was exacerbated by eating. I think it helped with depression also by giving me something to focus on but itā€™s very difficult to say if the fast itself was lifting depression.

Youā€™ll notice a quite optimistic tone throughout some of the post fast period. A lot of that is due in part to my penis starting to work again. See, I thought that was the hardest part of pfs to recover from. I thought almost all people with pfs experience it the same way. I heard that the mental sides are the first to improve from. Because I could get an erection again, I assumed I would recover fairly quickly in the brain too. I still felt as though I had been hit around the head with a baseball bat, couldnā€™t play most video games and had vertigo type symptoms. But the fatigue had somehow lifted to the point I was able to go to the gym again and lift weights and I was focused on doing that plus eating organic chicken bone broths and generally trying to remain positive as I was still going through it not knowing what to expect, what was normal even within the scope of what pfs can be, if I would return to normal within 3 months of discontinuation of the drug (as some of the literature Iā€™ve seen claims). At one point though, it dawned on me how really thereā€™d been no change in how I was experiencing reality. My brain has been changed very profoundly and itā€™s almost impossible to describe it to somebody who has not experienced it.

tl;dr Summary

Situation before the fast was critically bad as it was the first ten days of pfs. During the fast I improved mentally, naturally, as eating was causing intense brain fog. The re-feed was probably the best period as I discovered I could get erections again and my fatigue lifted to the point I could go to the gym. However, since then, my penis has degraded more when flaccid, my fatigue has returned to a terrible degree and the depression has returned. Itā€™s hard to attribute positive and negative things to the fast as it was done during the 30 days post cessation of the drug when negative symptoms are supposed to improve anyway. Itā€™s possible it may have harmed me to only drink water during the initial crash period. However, It felt like it improved me enough at the time to the point where Iā€™d consider fasting again at some point. If I do fast again, I will try to do 21 days.

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