So I’m coming off of a temporary mental recovery for the last 4 or 5 days. The connection to life has definitely lessened. I haven’t been sleeping well for the last several days and today I woke up and while my mind is more clear compared to a week ago, I’ve lost something. The edge is kind of gone, my sense of smell that would trigger all of these memories is gone. The same tree I smelled just yesterday and got all these emotions from I can’t smell today. It feels like my awareness yesterday included all these sensations and today it’s just less.
I do feel like “giving up” today though that phrase doesn’t mean suicide for me. I’m not sure what it means, i’m just tired of the back and forth. When my mind is back to normal, anything seems possible. When i lose it, nothing seems possible. I don’t know how much time I have left before it becomes difficult to have a good life and to share it with someone. I can slip into depression when coming down.
To combat this, I think it helps me to keep track of what has definitely improved, without question, from the first days of pfs:
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Sleep - From 2011 to around 2016 or so, there was no real sleep for me. There was closing my eyes and waking up and feeling exhausted. I now have better days where sleep is deeper and i get eye boogers, but i’ll admit that’s not every day. But day for day, it’s better
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Attraction to women - 2011 to 2016, looking at an attractive woman would make me feel revulsion. That’s gone
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Digestion - 2011 to 2016 - Food would just sit in my stomach for hours and I couldn’t even feel it being digested. That’s better now.
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Bowel movements - Before - I would crap out the equivalent of a garden burger, so much indigested food on the toilet paper. Now it’s digested even if the color seems to vary day by day. It’s too watery and maybe mucus-y (shiny?) but it is better
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Depersonalization/Derealization/Emotional Blunting - Before - I felt like a ghost in a machine. Now - I feel a lot closer to what I need to be. The ghost in a machine feeling went away after around 2016. I can feel the connection isn’t totally gone after this temporary recovery but it is weaker.
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Twitches - Before - Multiple twitches every day. When falling asleep, when sitting down. Now - Maybe a few times a month at most, pretty much only when falling asleep. Very rare now
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Masturbation - Before - Clear liquid, poor erection, no sensation when ejaculating good or bad, felt terrible physically after ejaculation. Now - Cum thickness varies, erections are generally better, definitely feels better, some have been very strong orgasms, I don’t feel bad after ejaculation
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Penis feeling - Before - It was a dead cold appendage pretty much every day. Now, mostly, it’s warmer, more full most days
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Acid reflux - Before - Terrible, several times spent more than an hour regurgitating food and acid up. I still reflux acid but not as often and not as long
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Everything is dry - Before - Awful, eyes dry, nose dry Now - everything is more moist
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Mental concentration - Before - Trouble focusing, trouble remembering and keeping concentration Now - Much better, I can easily concentrate, my mind is clear, I don’t have any cognitive issues, though sometimes I forget about something I was searching for online