Hello, it’s been almost a month since I replied and definitely more than a month since this latest temporary recovery began. There’s good and bad, bad in that almost everything that was going well has come down in some way. But the good news is is that the down that it came to me definitely feels higher than where I was before Christmas.
I’m always hesitant to say something like “things are better” because I could wake up tomorrow and feel like crap and crash and then it will look like I’m just being inconsistent. Well before Christmas I had been generally doing better as the years have gone by, then I had a full on OCD midlife crisis attack based on dreams I had and for several days everything, emotions, physical feeling, it was all supercharged. Not sexually though, i felt almost nothing in that department. But my emotions were so real and i was just finding myself enjoying music and being moved to tears with scenery, there was a connection to my emotions I hadn’t consistently felt in a very long time. There was a day where that came down and I was hit with depression but almost immediately the next day there was a rebound. During this time, I wasn’t eating almost anything. For I think like 2 weeks i was just drinking a ton of water and eating a salad and maybe having some juice, probably less than 700 calories a day. However, I was also running every day. My runs were amazing, I was able to do this long pathway around the park near my house without stopping, without even feeling tired. All the aches and pains, the IT band syndrome in my left knee, it was all gone. I would get runner’s high, hit my second wind, and most importantly, sweat pretty profusely. My mind was better, i was able to just read a book for hours without wanting to stop, to just feel good being alive.
Weeks later as I went back to my job, most things eventually came back down. My head still feels good and there’s a clarity in my mind that there wasn’t before. I feel like myself more than ever, i feel confident that I could eventually love someone in a romantic way. But the intensity of all of that has lowered compared to around Christmas and New Year’s. I’m back to eating a little more, maybe still less than 2000 calories usually (but oddly enough there are times where i just feel the drive to eat, not even specifically hunger in my stomach, but just this mental drive that i need to keep on eating, it’ll hit and i’ll just start eating anything and everything, those days i’m probably surpassing 2000 calories). When things were really going well recovery wise I would eat and then immediately have a satisfying burp and i could feel the food digesting in my stomach. That’s definitely slowed down a lot, the burp still comes but it takes a little time now. I’m still able to run (prob ran the same route about 20 times since Christmas, it’s around 2+ miles long) but the aches are slowly returning and sometimes it’s harder than others but i’ve still been able to do the run without stopping. One thing that hasn’t gone away is how high definition everything looks. I think that might (fingers crossed) be here to stay. When I look at the mountains on my run, it does look amazing. I’m prob not as emotionally moved as i was a month ago, but i still feel moved. Sleep has been up and down, a lot of nights i’m dreaming now and feeling like i got a lot of rest and i want to keep on sleeping in the morning because it’s satisfying, haven’t felt like that consistently since pfs started of course. Though some nights i just won’t feel tired and can’t sleep very deeply. My hair is more bald than before I think, but i guess it could just be me noticing, but i don’t think it is. My personality feels more like me than before or at least more consistently.
As far as sexually, starting with the temporary recovery right after Christmas until mid January I didn’t masturbate at all, somewhere around 21 days. By the 21st day I couldn’t take it anymore. On the drive home I just kept thinking sexual thoughts and I was getting erections on my drive home. I was able to feel really horny and could feel real sexual fantasies again. I masturbated at home and it was a good orgasm. I ended up going again that night and two times the next day, and again the day after that, each time it was just a step or two below how sex was before pfs. Sexual thoughts, the fantasies, just the straight up sexuality of masturbating (which is lacking a lot of times for us) was just there. There was also a different feeling in my penis than before, a good feeling, and a good feeling upon ejaculation. For about the next week this continued but there have been times now that I’ve jerked off without much feeling or satisfaction, so it’s lowering but I don’t feel depressed about that. I think it will eventually come back up though of course i don’t know how far up.
So that’s where i’m at right now, mentally, physically, sexually better than before, not sure what % i am recovered but generally satisfied with the progress at the moment, curious to see if this will move much in the up or down direction from here
