My 5,5 months post crash situation. An update and yeah despite some shit, some positive

Hi guys,

I have been less than frequent recently and I felt I had to give some news as I feel it might help some slight, sensible hope if you allow me to call it this way…
If you want to read my story, check my initials posts… And hell yeah I was in a fucking bad state… Crash you name it.
I have been 5,5 post crash now and have been trying my best to live a life as “normal” as it could be. I won’t delve into the recovery debate here as I know how it inflames things…
First and foremost, I am not recovered at all. My pre fin state is a growing flickering memory I am trying to put in a box, like old lovers memories…
First and foremost, I can work and it has been a life saver. Being busy at work, laughing with colleagues, teaching to my students have been the most rewarding stuff and helping me a great deal. Of course, sudden fatigue, brain fog ( more and more distant on the plus side) don’t help. When they come I accept it, I don’t struggle in a stupid way…
Sleep is still somewhat an issue but I can sleep 6 hours straight which is nothing compared to the sleepless nights I would spend in June / July… I just accept that it is winter too and November is a terrible month for even normal people so I accept the normal part of my body dealing with a seasonal change.
Libido is most of the time bad but I try not to lose the habit… I go out, chat up girls. I had one shitty sex experience but I was drunk and Cialis helped but I was too drunk. Lucky I could have sex with a bottle of Chardonnay and a pint in my system… Recently I have been scared of intimacy, of not performing right and avoiding sex… I try to accept it… I need to find I am confident enough with to do this again… I have never been a huge casual sex fan in the first place… Hope time will help on this side…
Erections are sometimes ok, sometimes weird… I have always had nocturnals even during crash. My endo prescribed Cialis but still hesitate to take it daily, which I should maybe try…
I can get kinda excited through porn and on a good day masturbate twice… Semen is thicker and whiter than it used to be. Orgasms are ok. There was a time there “Ah that was it”… Slightly better here. I get the left curvature too but did not hide me to perform…
I get myself busy as hell… Work, friends, moving my ass as often as I can has been essential in avoiding major depression… Again, when I get back from work, I get somehow weird and sad and start thinking about where I should be without this shit… It is of no avail. I have it now, bear with it… Regrets sometimes kicks in… Let me remind you my longtime GF left me through this, I was so desperate this summer I thought I would never get to my 43rd birthday… And I celebrated it in Paris with friends. Again, minor achievement but I did it…
I play music so rehearsing weekly helps to think about other things, to focus on creating out of the chaos. My band will play in Paris soon, I am happy about that and working on this show…
There are awful days I am not going to lie… There are days when I watch my apartment, how lifeless and empty it is… What did I do to deserve this… But then again I find some stuff to distract my mind, play an old SNL skit on youtube and my mind wanders off…
I sometimes worry about the future. I am convinced no girl will love me this shit… Still I can chat up pretty decent girls and I know some day things will move in a better place…
I pray every day to keep that baseline… I have been taking zero supplement… Sometimes low doses of vit D but my blood results were appalling on that aspect… It is the only thing I took. I have moved away from diets… Spent fortunes on organic food for zero to very little difference : I am back to normal food: no influence on fog which is fading away as months go by, maybe they influence my sex size or whatever… I can’t be bothered for the moment… I have the occasional drink sometimes party hard… Sometimes I think of myself as MR self destruct for sure but I decided that as long as I can walk, think, drive, take the train, work, go out, drink that beer, I am gonna go for it…
Yes I am often lonely in my head… For a guy who gras spent the last 20 years of his love life in relationships, it is a drastic and depressing state… Again I am re-thinking my life and try to focus and other things for now… Hope the time will come for some cool, understanding chick… My ex was not that type, move on…
Another piece of advice share your story with trustworthy people. I told 5 close friends about it. I never bother them to the extreme with to but they know… And I feel good that they know… It took a weight off me. What’s more they helped me with my guilt and shame. I am grateful for that…

To conclude I would say that some things improve. I know I could be called “a mild case” and consider myself lucky about it but I don’t know where I’ll be next June to celebrate my PFS birthday… Again I thought I would be dead and buried by September… I had a suicide note written, tried to kill myself twice and failed… I no longer think about how I could do myself harm. I just hope PFS don’t kill me… So it is a change of perspective…
So all in all: new sufferers: please hang on, no matter how shitty it might be “there is a light that never goes out” as the Smiths would say… Little improvement is improvement… When it adds up…
To my fellows worst cases: you know who you are, you are in my thoughts everyday… I don’t mean to give false hopes or claiming this or that, it is a true, genuine diary of what I am going through. Sometimes awful sometimes better…
I know positivity is not always on the agenda here, but let’s say I try to give some positivity even if this whole thing is tragic…
A warm hug to all who read that lengthy post.
Frenchfries.

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Very happy to hear that you are better than in summer and found some positivity. At least the worst seems to be over.

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Hey Tonster!
It’s a mix bag, but small victories are important. Hope you are well brother!