I have not been posting in a month as I have been busy trying to get on my my “new life”.
It is indeed a new life I have to “accept”.
So it is official now it has been three months since my dropping the pill and getting in for the rollercoaster ride.
So where am I now? Nowhere where I was pre PFS unfortunately but I kinda grew a new mental state. I was suicidal the summer and some members will tell you how close I was, specifically when my nice GF dumped me making me feel guilty for what I got. I was close that night but pulled trough ( don’t ask me how…)
June and July were by far the worst periods of my life. I thought I had been through shit but that was the real deal.
By early August I felt I could and had to function. I went to see friends and went to events like festivals and faked a normal life. Fatigue was here but some days were good. I will not say I had the healthiest diet and lifestyle through august but I lived life day by day. One weekend I went to a festival and flirted with girls, nothing too serious though.
I went from six weeks impotent to back to a kind of sexual function. I can get erect, not like before but it is ok, my semen went from watery to thicker and whiter. Orgasms intensity are sometimes fine and getting longer but something is amiss. I can masturbate twice a day and it is ok… Again in June, I thought I would never get an erection let alone an orgasm…
It is not like before but have been told some never even get an erection. I get frequent night boners, sometimes great sometimes softer but it not rare.
I went back to work two weeks ago. I can cope but fatigue is always somewhere in the back lurking. Fog is better but I have slight attacks sometimes. It seems it is not as bad as it was in June.
I can function at work but fatigue is here though. Fingers crossed.
I saw a professor of endocrinology here in France who treats PFS patients. He said my case was not the worst he had seen but I was in cracking shape when I saw him, of course ;). He checked my dick and testies and found no abnormalities.
I will get a new bloodwork soon and will get an Andractim cause DHT is low if no improvement on labs.
I told him about my ED and he gave me 5 mg Cialis for 6 months and I could take 10 mg before performing. And this is my challenge this week end. I met a cool girl in August. We made out but could not do anything as I had herpes on my lips and it made things difficult… She gave me oral sex and I could get an erection but I was drunk and can’t remember the details. We didn’t have sex for sure…
I know I can have an erection and keep it for awhile on porn. I kinda feel 5 mg Cialis helps but not sure. Will try 10 mg this week end.
I am going to Paris to see that girl tomorrow and she clearly wants to have sex. My libido is low but hope to get into it and she is pretty but younger that me. That is the curse with PFS: I am still attractive and girls are chasing me but I am not as wild as I used to be.
My dick is no longer cold and feels warm again and that was a kind of an improvement.
Size and girth vary but something has changed.
Socially I can function and I am not avoiding people the way I used to in June. I would hide from people I knew back then. Now I am trying to see people a lot, it prevents me from my worst enemy : myself and my overthinking.
I can listen to music again and bought records and been picking up the guitar to write some music. Again, a bonus I thought would be a thing from the past.
Sleep is weird I have stopped monitoring my sleep. I fall asleep, wake up but still can sleep after.
Don’t get me wrong I am still fighting on a day to day basis and I am reminded everyday, one way or the other that I took a poison that has changed me greatly.
Still, I would like to say that things can IMPROVE A BIT and windows of normality are possible. Be patient, be kind to yourself. Oddly enough, I worry less. I was the over worried dude before this and now I care less. I am stressed about performing tomorrow with that girl but hey, we will see.
Cognitively I am ok. I regained some emotions , even though I am not as emotional as I used to be.
I went to the movies, laughed with friends and tried to forget my ex who dumped me in the middle of this shit…
Life is different but still want to kick the ass of it!
Note : I have been very careful of supplements and advice given here. I have been listening to the endo mostly and taking some Vit D which did not made me feel worse so far. NB I was very low on vit D so it is not good.
I am on no protocol, diet is sometimes clean, sometimes looser. I have been drinking some beer occasionally…