I’m a long-time lurker who had a different account in the past. I’ve had pfs now for 14 years. I still have all the problems listed in my new member story with ED, brain fog, low motivation, low self esteem, and depression being my worst side effects. I’ve come back for relationship advice among other things. I have been dating my gf now for 5 years and she has given me an ultimatum to marry her and have kids soon or its over. She doesn’t know about my illness but I’m about to tell her. Before PFS, I thought of having children often. After PFS, I never think of it nor do I think I would be a good father. I’m incredibly pessimistic, introverted, and can barely take care of myself. But I also don’t think I will ever be in a such a good relationship as this one nor can I imagine dating all over again. Can we have kids without passing on our horrible affliction? Are there fathers here who are better off married and with kids? Did it give them new meaning in life? Or did it backfire and want them to escape their responsibilities, which is something I have done a few times in my life with PFS. Before my gf, I had no real relationship for almost a decade. I’m afraid of returning to that life. Sorry for the bleak post but I need some advice from the only people that understand my illness. Thanks
I couldn’t fathom even being in a relationship with PFS symptoms, I don’t even want to exist
I had two children during my recovery period of 10 years and I would have loved to have more, life without PFS is absolutely incredible
So do you still see your children? Do they motivate you to keep improving yourself/be successful? I don’t know what life is like without PFS - I’ve literally only experienced life without it 2 times both only lasted less than a day. One was about a decade ago from eating a ton of asparagus after reading about someone doing it and recovering. The other was when I took a ton of CBD oil for the first time. Very surreal experiences.
Have you tried anything? Medications etc?
However, with regards to improving myself - that is not something I think about whatsoever anymore in a professional sense or otherwise really. I am surviving day by day; even without insomnia and mental difficulties, observing and feeling your manhood decimated it hellish.
Yes I have 50/50 arrangement with my EX
I love them dearly obviously and despite the horrific feelings I am experiencing daily and relentless insomnia I manage to arrange their schooling, hobbies, days out and so on.
Although I am emotionally blunted I feel great sadness when I think of suicide because of my children.
This is tough. I don’t fully know your situation, but I will explain my situation and give my advice so you can take whatever might help you from it. I will give the other side of the argument than Proscar.
So to start I want to explain my situation so you know where my advice is coming from, I have 3 children, 2 younger and still at home with me and one in college. I am currently mostly recovered (still up and down), but was in very bad shape for 1-2 years and I would say only recently started feeling more like myself on a regular basis 4 years post-fin. The 2nd/3rd year I would say was kind of survivable PFS. Where it wasn’t always so bad I wanted to end it, but things weren’t sunshine and rainbows either.
Now during the past few years my wife wanted more children, but I was terrified to have another. For likely many of the same reasons you are considering now. I could not bring myself to try for more, so I think I understand a lot of where you’re coming from. However, while I was nowhere near the father I should/could have been, if you were to ask my younger kids about the last few years, they would still say I was a great dad. I never let my youngest 2 know what was going on, all they knew was that dad had “sleeping sickness” and had to sleep in another room because I had trouble sleeping (understatement). My oldest knew what was going on and saw me struggle, but also was someone I could lean on.
During this time I couldn’t do much more than be there for them, take them to the park, push them on the swings, talk with them. I had severe akathisia, so I couldn’t even sit down with them, cuddle them, couldn’t read a book or even rest and watch a movie with them. Due to my mental state I couldn’t joke with them or really play with them like I do now, but none of that mattered to them. I was pessimistic and found it very hard not to talk about my pain and suffering to others, but I knew I couldn’t do that to my kids. I knew I had to be better for them. I couldn’t do much, but sometimes just being there can make you a good parent. Just because you have PFS, doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad parent. The fact that you’re thinking about this aspect of it, makes me think you’ll likely do what’s best for your children when it comes down to it.
We’re now four years later, and my window to have children may now be closed. I regret not having another now, and I’m pretty sure if I did have one they would still think I was a good dad, despite the handicap I would’ve had during that time.
So I supposed my advice is this:
If I was as bad as I was in the beginning, I would NOT have children. Like Proscar, even though I could manage my children somewhat, I would eventually have left the mortal world at some point, and leaving them alone would have been terrible. Leaving my wife with that additional burden was something I constantly thought about and one of the many reasons I didn’t go through with it.
Once I was into survivable PFS, my kids were a distraction from PFS and a driving force in my life. I cannot imagine going through PFS on any level without my wife, but my children were the reason I kept going. I live for my children though, you have to consider if that’s the kind of person you are given the state you’re in.
If you tell your gf and she is supportive, I would fight for the relationship. Kids do not make things easier by any stretch, so you have to be prepared for the addition monumental responsibility and workload, but once they get a little older, sometimes being present can be enough.