I’l start with saying that im suffering from brain fog, reduced cognitive capabilities, loud tinnitus, blurry vision, memory loss and extremely numbed emotions, literally feels like im just running all day on autopilot without any sense of whats happening around me, even when people try talking to me I need to “snap out” and ask them to repeat the question/conversation again.
Had to travel with train yesterday and switch some trains so Im waiting at the train station. As im sitting by a bench a freight train is passing by without stopping at the station at high speed probably going to the next one to unload. Then something super scary happens, my body picks up and im moving dangerously close to the tracks without me even realizing it, and I “snap” just before I reach out my arm and have it cut off or take 2 more steps forward. I walk back to the bench realizing what the fuck was about to go down and I just sit there unable to cry just thinking what I subconsiously was about to do.
I literally feel like a walking dead person, like I had a lobotomy. Losing my sexual capabilities was a devastating blow since I always thought of life is focused on reproducing, but literally losing myself, not have control of my body, lose my intelligence and almost suicide without even realizing it? I have never felt something like this before. I was never depressed, I was always the cheerfull witty guy in my group… Seeing yourself go downhill like that in a timespan of few months is truly devastating. Im lost I dont know what to do. I dont want to kill myself I swear im not that kind of person, but this experience truly shocked me.
what was weird is that I think the speed of the train triggered something in my brain, I always liked moving or being moved, driving, walking, running, travelling, its like my brain subconsiously asked to be stimulated and the fast speed of the train mesmerized me.
called a neurologist this morning and asked for an appointment, I hope he finds something that can be worked on and no more train travelling for me… just needed to vent a bit, sorry.