Moderation> please don’t move this post to member story, i tell about me to explain the limbo state and ask for help.
Hi all,
It has been a long time since i posted on this forum. Yes, i am alive. No, i have not recovered. Sexually i improved a lot, almost normally physically (not all sensations though). But the damages this drug did to my body seem to be long lasting. Just to update what i did in terms of treatment all these years: Natural food, moderate exercise, few benzodiazepine medications two times in six years (for about 2 months each). I never took GHPR6 i got scared, i never tried any crazy treatment. I used some prednisone a few times in an attempt to stop my immune system from attacking my body. It only worked for a few times. So basically this is my reality after 9 years of Post Propecia Syndrome:
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Over active immune system. I have no doubt PFS has an autoimmune component. But in my case, who had a few allergies prior to finasteride, it has reached amazing levels. It is a lot of work to keep my immune system “calm”. It is exausting, it is a lot of sacrifice as far as diet and other restrictions and still i lose the battle many times.
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A “blah state” that continues. It is like whatever. I don’t care, things don’t excite me but at the same time i am not depressed. I can only imagine i don’t release as much oxytocin as before. And to think i have more 40 years living like this is awful.
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It has been 9 years since i developed PFS. It has taken a toll on my body, specially my stomach. Because of my over active immune system i have developed some kind of autoimmune gastritis that i can only control so much and i never really get rid of. This has taken a toll on my body, i simply can’t eat like before, or it is an unbearable pain. It is not like a regular gastritis, the doctor sees little inflammation, but i am screaming in pain. Somehow i feel much more inflammation than my body shows. The result is i have lost a lot of weight and this makes me sad and a little weak.
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The fourth tragedy in my life is financially and professionally. This syndrome has destroyed my career, my work power and i am poor and dependant financially at 36 yo like i never thought i could be. I was so successful. It makes me sad. So it brought me to a financial and professional limbo as well, not only physical. Think about suffering in all areas of your life. I am feeling useless today and it is not a good feeling.
So the question to you guys is: how do you keep going? I have been on automatic mode for so long that i don’t remember how it is to feel excited, to have a drive for something. At the same time this state makes me feel empty. I keep getting the same question in my mind: What is the point?
So about you guys> How do you keep going? What for? Ok, for relatives, for family not to suffer, etc, etc… What about our suffering? Why do i have to sacrifice for everybody not to suffer as they are living their lives? What really is the point? At the same time, how do i end this? Why does this shitty disease doesnt kill me beyound any control that i can have. Because my impulse is preservation. I can’t F change this. Even taking this f medication was a preservation impulse. About 2 years ago, at my lowest point when i first got the atrophic gastritis, my weight went down to 109 pounds (i am 5 10). Now i am 132, but far from my regular weight at 150.
So when i was really skinny at 109 pounds, and screaming in pain as the gastritis treatment wasnt working, i rented an apartment without anyone knowing, and had a plan of simply stop eating. I would die in a week or so because i was already so weak. I was suffering so much, so much, so much pain, that i could not go on. All i wanted was to sleep and not wake up. But then i woke up one day with that preservation impulse once again and i could not do it. I woke up that day with a portuguese song in my head that the lyrics basically say “Try one more time”. It wasnt playing anywhere, just in my head.
I am so tired today, and still i keep going. I hope in 10 or 20 years from now i am not a zombie. So this is the limbo state. It is like walking in circles, i improve, then get worse again, then fight to improve, the worse again, like a dog trying to catch its tail.
Sorry to bother you guys and to bring the energy down, but believe me, to come here and post is because i am at a low point today. As much as try not to come here and forget about this all, i needed today to come here and vent out.
Thank you very much, hope everyone is having better days.