Lexapro 2012 / Risperdal 2017

I don’t know which to believe then, because on my paper it says:

Progesterone Results Interpretation:
Males: 0.14 - 2.06

Which implies my 1.86 is on the high side, but still okay.


Yeah it’s kind of weird.

This is taken from Healthline.

  • Progesterone is found in much lower levels in men and isn’t typically tested unless adrenal gland dysfunction is suspected. Normal levels are less than 0.20 ng/mL.

  • Keep in mind that results can vary between laboratories. If you’re unsure about your test results, contact your healthcare provider.

If I were you I’d probably get re-tested with a different lab just to validate.

I want to document a few more things:

  • This symptom still hasn’t come back, although I still have extremely mild face acne and rare nipple itching from the herbs I took so it’s possible I’m just riding the positive effects and the cringe will come back.

  • Also, while taking the herbs my body odor would occasionally return. I didn’t even realize it was gone until the first time it came back.

  • I have never “crashed”; e.g. had anything resembling a long-lasting reversion to a former, worse state from anything I ever did or ate.

  • I’ve seen multiple hypothyroid people on Reddit cite inability to look people in the eye as one of their symptoms. I will have to investigate the possibility that hypothyroid medication may help, especially this particular symptom (if it ever returns).

6 days now without the “social cringe” that made it uncomfortable to look people in the eye. I can safely say I am cured from that now, after ~9.5 years.

Yesterday for a hot minute I had zero perceivable symptoms, and could interact, talk, walk, and laugh normally. I could feel everything fully, including how beautiful the day was and how nice the wind was blowing. I told myself, “I am in paradise.” :sunny:

I turned on some music and was stunned by how amazing it felt. I thought, this is absolute euphoria. But, my definition of euphoria has suffered severely since Invega. I can remember that before, listening to music was about the most enjoyable thing in the world to me, and I could completely forget how screwed I was from Lexapro if I laid down and closed my eyes while listening to it. This “euphoria” is something I used to experience every day.

Then POIS in the form of physical and mental fatigue suddenly hit me from an-O-mia that morning. I was snapped back to the reality that I am still far from the finish line.

Today was similar.

I think this is my new normal.

I am planning on TRT …

The improvement seems to have been permanent. Although, along with it something bizarre happened. Something else completely loss its characteristic odor, which has never happened before ever. Fortunately I was able to quash my fears of having become infertile with some very cheap equipment.

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It’s been years since those panic attacks, but in general I do feel worse in the morning and better around 2 PM, with mood declining afterwards. Looking at my labs again, which were taken at 8:45 AM after awakening at 7 AM:

Measured Reference Range (AM)
Cortisol 21.0 6.7 — 22.6

So, my AM cortisol is near the upper limit of “normal”?

Documentating and speculating some more miscellaneous things:

  • In agreement with an observation made by someone else at the naked scientists forum, POIS is significantly less bad if focus had been on her pleasure. This even works with porn, and presumably pure imagination. Why? Does it increase a chemical (estrogen?) that somehow counteracts whatever is causing POIS?

  • Post-Lexapro panic attacks began a handful of seconds after waking up and lasted several hours. I believe it was 3 hours. What hormone is released suddenly within a few seconds of waking up and then wanes over a few hours?

  • The white spots vary in intensity but are always in the same place, even when the surrounding skin is purple. What causes skin to appear white when the surrounding skin is purple? Increased capillary blood flow? Why? Some sort of receptors in those specific, sub-millimeter regions are permanently (over a year) altered? What type of receptor?

My best guess for the second question is the Cortisol Awakening Response:

  • Even during very bad akathisia, if it was the time I’d normally go to sleep, if I laid down and fought the urge to move long enough, I would eventually reach a point where I could become motionless without effort and eventually fall asleep. Sometimes I couldn’t break the boundary into sleep land and just laid there for a very long time in a ~75% conscious state.

  • Also, immediately upon waking, similar to the panic attacks, there was next to no akathisia. The significant difference though, was that trying to prevent myself from fully awakening was fairly successful at staving off the akathisia for a few more seconds. This strategy was NEVER effective with the panic attacks.

  • What chemical is released upon falling asleep, and goes away upon awakening?

  • I do not believe melatonin is responsible because I took a pill the other day and it made me EXTREMELY irritable for a good while. So irritable, I would have liked to be tranquilized for a couple of hours.

  • As I edited into the OP, hyperventilationg until unconsciousness made the akathisia go away completely for a few seconds. Even when it was so bad I was literally running in circles. But this had severe diminishing returns and wasn’t worth it after 3 or so attempts.

I’ve been experimenting with the herbs again off and on and want to note a negative side effect I’ve been having off and on randomly is increased afterimages.

Sometimes it’s so strong for a few minutes that I can see a white graphic on a digital screen (for example) for less than 1 second, look away and still see it overlaid on my vision for a half second before it vanishes.

Not sure which herb is causing this but it’s probably not the fenugreek.

Editing updates into this post so I don’t needlessly bump this to the top:

  • 11/15/2021 - Body odour returning, an-O-ia decreasing, it’s been about 4 days since I took less than a gellcap’s worth of herbs. I hope and believe that by messing with my hormones via these herbs, I can cause new imbalances of the sort that my body recognizes and takes action to fix. For the record the “social cringe” symptom I described earlier did not seem to be lessed by fenugreek or maca. In fact it seemed to worsened on at least one occasion by maca, where I had an “acute episode” of it while completely alone. I kep increasing my doses of all the herbs but it seemed like the more I raised them the less they worked and just caused negative side effects. This “social cringe” disappeared less than a month after I decided to try TINY amounts, literally less than a gellcap full of a mixture of all the herbs. The 11th was my last dose, I will try to wait until it’s been a week and repeat.

Sorry for the bump, this post is mostly for my own benefit. I tried to edit it in to my last post but it gave me a 400 error.

  • It’s easy to forget even the most traumatic experiences, or at least be confused about them. Something that has been bothering has been my difficulty reconciling completely, spontaneous recovery from the “cringe” and the lack of a corresponding behavior change. I’ve gained new insight and want to clarify, mostly to myself:

  • The “cringe” feeling is the same as when you’re in a room of other people and there’s an uncomfortable tension. The feeling that ice-breakers are for. I’ve been in countless such situations since June 2012 where I was immune to ice-breakers. Only difference is, this feeling doesn’t seem to be experienced by normal people outside of such situations. But I already described how a few months ago when I was experimenting with high maca dosage I got an acute episode of it while completely alone. So of course like all other mental experiences, it is an emotion generated internally and not inherent to any external situation, and can be experienced detached from them.

  • Back to the explanation for why I still often find it difficult to look people in the eye. It is simply that I am often in a piss-poor mood of some variation or other, and/or, my greatest desire at the moment may be to simply get away and be alone so I can be miserable without having to put up with anyone.

  • I was getting confused about this and considering the possibility the “cringe” had returned but it most definitely has not and I do not believe ever will. I am writing this down to keep things straight in my head and in perspective.

P.S. I was taking 1 teaspoon of magnesium citrate daily for over a year to try to treat peripheral neuropathy and prevent possible tendon ruptures from 4 doses of ciprofloxacin. I quit about a month ago and have begun experiencing something concerning:

  • Couple days ago I woke up with a sore feeling here (right foot):

  • This morning I woke up with the same feeling, but in my left foot instead.

  • These feelings lasted less than 30 minutes. But they’ve frightened me into taking magnesium again.

  • Surprisingly, the first teaspoon significantly improved my mood within a few seconds, like flipping a switch. Not expected at all. But today, it didn’t.

Fortunately the only side-effect of magnesium is that … it’s a laxative.

Going to take the vitamin D my doctor prescribed me because of the bloodwork (haven’t heard anything about the other things and don’t expect to).

Will edit into this post any effects or lack thereof.

EDIT: I lived a large chunk of another life in another version of this world in my dream last night. The only effect so far apart from some odd sensation in my scalp for a minute.

I’m experiencing some pretty miraculous recovery since beginning a regimen of homemade EDOVIS. I was inspired by this thread:


I actually described what’s going on in some detail earlier, but deleted the post because it was just terribly written. After the 7 day trial is up, I’ll try to do a proper write-up.

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Update, it’s been 7 days since my pseudo-EDOVIS trial began and I have taken the following approximately 8 times, with the D3 beginning a couple days or so earlier:

  • 125mcg D3 Cholecalciferol (Spring Valley brand)
  • 2,550mg l-citrulline (Kyowa quality)
  • 600mg French Maritime Pine Bark Extract (Pinus Maritama 90% total polyphenols)
  • ~1/16th tsp Maca (Organika brand, although last dose was Organic traditions brand)
  • ~1/32nd tsp Muira Puama Bark (Bear Woman Herbs)
  • ~1/10th tsp Tribulus Terrestris L. Extract 40% Saponins (Herb Supply House)
  • ~1/10th tsp Horny Goat Weed (The Elder Herb Shoppe)

Edited the tsp measurements because when I originally wrote this, I had forgotten my scoop is only 0.5 tsp, not 1.0 tsp.

I have “tested” something about every day throughout this time. I can honestly say that each one of these “tests” felt better than the last, with the an-O-mia being less each time.

Unfortunately, the odd appearance of the instrument continues to fluctuate randomly from normal to bizarre (kink and/or angle/curve until 100% erect). Although, emission volume (and odor …) is back to normal.

These are the main takeaways, and the rest of this post may not interest you. But feel free to read on.

  • Pinus Maritama definitely helps with the Pinus. From the first dose it did exactly what I expected L-Citrulline to do: Substantially increased firmness. I discovered this before this regimen.

  • Too much Horny Goat Weed causes irritability. Like, someone talks to you for one moment, and you feel like telling them to STFU, for no reason.

  • Effects of too much Tribulus include anger and nausea.

  • Muira Puama never seems to do anything acutely, no matter the dose.

  • Effect of too much D3 ranges from vague malaise to nausea.

  • Effect of too much Maca is a different sort of malaise and mental sleepiness, with other minor mental effects that are hard to describe.

Since beginning this regimen I have entered a cycle of approximately 48 hours where I feel calm, happy, and sociable, then feel the opposite, and find it almost impossible to feel attracted to a woman even in my imagination.

During the crest of this wave (such as now) I am able to smile upon command which I have been unable to do since taking Risperdal & Invega 4.5 years ago. This is very important to me.

In a previous post I described waking up one morning to find I was completely cured of a certain socially awkard feeling that I had experienced since quitting Lexapro 9.5 years ago. BUT, during these crests I feel this awkwardness even less. If I feel it less, it must still be there. It has been so long since I’ve felt normal, that I have somewhat forgotten what normal is like, and was slightly off when gauging this symptom.

Body odor returned early on, but disappeared again.

Because my lab results suggesting hyperthyroidism, I tried extremely small amounts of Natural Dessicated Thyroid, like less than half of a pencil eraser small. Everytime it did nothing but cause unpleasant mental stimulation and insomnia, so I figure I am not actually hyperthyroid.

Why did I use the word “miraculous” in my previous post? That was irresponsible. But, I was honestly having immense difficulty identifying what symptoms I still had. That’s how great I felt. I was walking outside and just relishing how fluid my movements and thoughts felt. I thought, and really hoped, it would stay this way, so I would never have to worry about my balance again. I had completely forgotten about akathisia.

But a few hours later when I turned a sharp corner I noticed the balance issue had come back :frowning: I was struggling to accept such a disappointment, but then after I ate supper I found myself slowly rocking back and forth :frowning: So the background akathisia has not left for good yet (of course I never let myself do that if there’s the slightest chance anyone might notice).

Every crest of this cycle feels better than the last. The other day I was walking about the house, being amazed at how beautiful the sunlight looked shining through the window, and how quiet the quiet room “felt”. I really miss being able to feel that a quiet room is actually quiet. I hope it continues like this.

Oddly during the trough, I am unable to make myself feel any better by reminding myself of the crest. Risperdal has hurt my ability to conjure up emotions, so that remembering good times and trying to relive them does next to nothing. I am also utterly socially inept, or incapacitated, during such times.

Is some of the recovery I’m making merely a coincidence? I think there’s a good chance. But, I need to believe it isn’t.

I have taken all of these herbs in various dosages and combinations before. Through trial & error I’ve found that, basically, less is more. Cordyceps isn’t part of this regimen but just as an example, a small dose helps with libido while a large dose extinguishes it.

I was about to post this but remembered one more thing. These past 7 days I have been completely free of POIS-induced fatigue when lifting weights. Either that, or I’ve suddenly become significantly stronger all at once. I am still confused about this.

Also, I have been experiencing mild nipple itching a couple times a day. No gyno yet though.

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Nipple-itching has disappeared.

I’ve added Rhodiola Rosea and it’s AMAZING. It may be a coincidence, although I doubt it, and don’t intend to skip a day to make sure :laughing:

Mucuna Pruriens didn’t seem to do anything for me.

I skipped a day of the regimen because I was feeling pretty good. That day I skipped I experienced a few moments of such optimism and zest for life, I thought I was making great progress and I’d soon be a functioning member of society. Maybe in just a few months. At the very least it seemed I was almost cured of POIS.

Next day I got slammed so hard by POIS it was unbelievable. Couldn’t get anything done. Spent most of the day staring at a screen or a wall, or sleeping. Tried to go outside and got paralyzed at the door because I couldn’t bear the thought of someone looking at me. Ridiculous. It’s like all the progress I made over the past 3 months or so was fake, and just being covered up by the supplements I’ve been taking.

It seems counter-productive to label myself “mentally disabled” so I’d never do that, but … goddamn.

Needless to say I got back on the regimen that evening and when I woke up I was restored to pre-POIS attack.

I have to wonder how I did survive this long with such bad POIS?