Journal of a Wildman

We have been in touch by messaging for awhile now and was alarmed by your silence. I wish I knew what to say. I send words and wishes your way because I care about you. I do not have the time, energy, or feasibility to reach out to everyone, sadly. I do not want you to sign off, not permanently. Maybe a break from all things PfS, or at least as close to it as possible, including from the forum. Then again, that is what you tried to do at the cafe. It is possible the waitress suffers from a similar syndrome with impairments too. People pretend to be okay more than they pretend to be sick. I know more people in general who work through pain, grin and bear it, than those who collect disability. Nobody truly wants to die, they just do not want to live in an unhealthy state, understandably. I cannot tell you what to do or what not to do. I would ask those who endured decades of this syndrome how they did it, but theyā€™d probably say they had no choice with the cards dealt. There are no easy choices, or should I say reactions. I feel I am letting you down by not knowing what to say, but Iā€™m trying.

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Nothing still. Fuckā€¦ weā€™re too late. I knew it when I saw heā€™d posted 2 hours earlier. My reply was originally 1 sentence, to save time. Too late. I wish Iā€™d seen it coming. Itā€™s such a pity.

Hoping for a miracle now.

Thanks everyone for posting.

Thereā€™s lessons to be learned here. What you focus on, grows. Donā€™t allow yourself to be sucked into the abyss. We need to do a better job helping people find a why in their life post-PFS.

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Please try to hold on. Your wife is still by your side and you mean a great deal to her. I wouldnā€™t want to guilt trip anyone here because I know how horrible it all is, but leaving your wife like this could devastate her. You also donā€™t know what the future holds. You donā€™t deserve any of this and we are here for you Jim.

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Ouch. Jim suffered years of torture and fought the good fight. Letā€™s not frame this as a failure of resolveā€¦this is another Merck murder.

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I really hope youā€™re still here with us, Jim. I didnā€™t know you for long but you were always a good man. Goddamn these fucking criminals for what theyā€™ve done to you.

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mstone, thatā€™s not what I meant. So perhaps I should qualify: negative feelings can compound and affect your judgment of the situation. Iā€™ve experienced this myself and later I arrived in a better (more objective) place mentally. I just wish Iā€™d been able to intervene, although I acknowledge that wouldnā€™t make the underlying problem (PFS) go away.

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Bullshit, Jim didnā€™t misjudge anything and weā€™re not putting this back on him. Nobody is obligated to endure the torture he went through just because Merck and the FDA refuse to do their duty. Yesterday we had a new member sign up just to say PFS is a natural result of aging, then a veteran member agreeing with him, now this. I donā€™t know whatā€™s going on here but letā€™s not do Merkā€™s legal homework for them. They are going to answer for Jim and the rest one day and weā€™re not going to let them call his murder ā€˜negative feelings that affected his judgmentā€™.

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Guys I think weā€™re getting ahead of ourselves assuming Jim is no longer with us. I would hate for him to login in here just to see that we all assume heā€™s gone.

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Jim sent me a pm yesterday. It was more or less a farewell message. I hope he was unable to go through with it and is having a period of reflection before reposting. He did say previously that heā€™d left instructions for his wife to leave a message if he ever chose to bring an end to his suffering.

He was an extremely strong, intelligent, lucid thoughtful and positive man.

Like many he had a great life before this shit ripped his world apart.

One day the fuckers will be held responsible for the lives theyā€™ve destroyed.

Jim will be a big miss on here, and then thereā€™s his poor wife. Itā€™s heartbreaking.

At least heā€™s now at peace, one could not fail to feel his pain.

I hope Iā€™m wrong but I think weā€™ve lost another decent stand up human beingā€¦ Merck has his blood on their hands.

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Thatā€™s very troubling to hear. His message on here was heartbreaking. I really hope he finds the strength to hang on.

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Has anyone heard from Jim?

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He is 64 with a wife. More reason to live than lots of us.

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Iā€™m 60 yo with a loving one by my side. But the disease knows no mercy.

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Seen 4 days agoā€¦no answerā€¦

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I hope heā€™s talked to his wife. Courage, Jim. Wherever you are.

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To my forum brotherhood:

I owe you all an apology for any concern or discomfort that Iā€™ve put you through. I had promised that I wouldnā€™t disappear without leaving a message, maybe I could have handled it better. My wife has asked me to stay off social media for a week or two but gave me permission to come here and leave this message.

To summarize my adventure, my wife was visiting her mother and, when I didnā€™t answer a text, had a premonition and came home 2 hours early. She found me and Iā€™m told I took a flashy ride to the ER. I was given flumazenil(sp?), and ended up with 72 hours observation on the fifth floor. Iā€™m not sure what antidepressants they gave me while I was in the psych ward, but now I am back home and not partaking of their chemicals.

Doctor said that I may experience some respiratory or muscle weakness, and I asked myself ā€œwhat would be any different?ā€ One of the doctors bluntly told me I look like hell, and I tried to explain PFS to him while his eyes glazed over and he moved on.

Iā€™m reading your messages and appreciate the encouragement. At the moment I am still a pot of negativity, and not sure if you would want me to post my thoughts.

Again, Iā€™m sorry for any distress I caused. Iā€™m still here for the foreseeable future. Your brother in pain, Jim

PS:
Please resist the urge to edit or delete your messages, your encouragement gives me strength and I hope to reply to each one in coming days. Jim

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Iā€™m relieved to see you again, Jim.

Take some time off and be with your family. Weā€™re here if you need us.

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Thank god! Really happy to see your message. Stay strong we will be always on your side to help you!

Really glad youā€™re still with us. Although I wish the world could do more to ease your suffering

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You and me and Akyiah here are the only ones with PFS from finasteride against benign prostatic hyperplasia. So we are anecdotal cases under millions of descriptions. Much rarer as all the rare younger propecia pfs cases.

And we donā€™t believe that PFS is solved with hormones, herbs and supplements. Some other elder guys too.

Only because we deny that PFS is a temporary disease what can be healed by the right protocol we have a bad mindset and frustrate the young sufferers?

Why than fundraise and research, why are there awareness campaigns and research projects to find the pathology, when CDnuts can heal this disease already, with pine pollenā€¦(this is the total denying of the severity of this disease, for what we so angry of the FDA and the mainstream medical community)

Even now a big project starts with more hope for the young community than ever with seriously research and announced here. And all stay with the charlatans instead of being a though community here.

And right in this moment we all suffer the same. Our lifeā€™s are destroyed by this pharma criminals. Dot!!

We, me, Jim the other elder men know that the younger ones have lost much more life time. But this gives us absolutely no satisfaction.

Let people venting.

The hope from research is totally ignored by the community.

Only praying CDNuts and that PFS is a temporary missfeeling is exactly that doctors and psychiatrists tell us.

If I was young impotent, bedridden with weak muscles I would wonder about all the huge erections, muscle building, sex and partnership told by so many recoveries and ask what do I wrong?! And for the devil itā€™s not pine pollenā€¦

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