Journal of a Wildman

Member Stories
#47

Brothers, I believe my time is drawing nigh. I’m just too tired to imagine this life lasting much longer.

I’ve written elsewhere my belief that PFS causes accelerated aging. Fellows in their 20s and 30s look and feel like a 60 year old.

I’m one of just a handful here who are the “old agers,” men in the 50s and 60s. I think I’m the oldest at near 67, at least no one older has chimed in yet.

For us older ones, accelerated aging means we may have under 5-10 years before we expire. I’m in my 4th year now. Our death will probably be declared natural causes, but our families and PFS brothers will know better.

One of my older co-sufferers has been nearly silent for a week, and we all know @Exsexgod likes to write!

This week I’ve felt older and more tired and painful than at any time until now. Frankly, I just want it to be over. I feel it will be my heart that fails me, and I have tests scheduled for 10 days away including EKG and blood work.

In the grand scheme of this forum we’ll register as a temporary blip in the archives.

Keep looking into the aging aspect, I think there are answers to be found. Jim

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#48

Hang in there, Jim!

I also have unexplainable symptoms ever since PFS. Tests showed nothing out of the ordinary for me. Sometimes I lay in bed in the evenings and I can barely feel my heart beating. Pretty sure I’ve had moments of variable heart beat intensity. I’ve been told it’s just flukes of anxiety… and I hope that’s the case in lieu of anything much worse.

But sometimes I wake up and feel as if I’m weak and starving, even though I had dinner just fine the day before. I look in the mirror first thing in the morning and I’m just incredibly pale like some vampire, then after a few minutes the body gets up and running and it seems like nothing happened. But it’s bizarre.

Not sure if any of that sounded familiar to you in any way, but I can totally understand you want to get your heart checked out. I had a heart graph (not sure what the english term is right now) made and it showed normal activity so I’m not too worried it’s a heart thing right now.

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#49

Also, @Exsexgod is alright. His activity shows he was online very recently. I’m sure he’s just taking it slow right now. Some people are more active on reddit these days but I’ve not been on there a lot and I don’t know if that’s the case for him. Thanks for keeping an eye out for fellow members.

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#50

I hear ya man this week has been especially bad for me too, not sure why. Increased fatigue, accelerated wastage and pain, also developed Terry’s Nails which sounds like everything else that comes with this garbage: “Often, Terry’s nails is a symptom of a chronic condition, such as liver failure or diabetes.”

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#51

Yes I m still on board! The last time I have been so full of hate of the backdoor fricklers who gave me the drug just to try without any information and now say I was informed. Hope for them and their whole families the eternity in hell. Cause they destroyed our families and lifes as doctors we trusted.
That the - for thousands of people longtime deadly torture causing -finasteride is still on the market since 1994 is pure evil !!!

My own borderline syndrome wich let me behave like the greatest fool on mother earth slittering in the catastrophe with wide open eyes. The start of it all with a urologist who believes in the hippocrat swere and denied to give me a drug. I think it have been finasteride. And I thought this doctor Don’t want to prescribe me a drug and I chairman of the psychopathics changed to the backdoor fricklers and after years the set me under the poison.

Yes my dear old men’s club, I see you have had a bad time last week too. I see @LazarusRy, @mstone and @JimWildman very unhappy too. Our best years and senior years eaten by a well known drug monster eating lifes since 1994!! Unbelievable!! Where are the regulator agencies!! Where are the critical politics, all pharma rent boys?!!

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#52

Let’s do a trip like lastvegas then go around Kenneth’s house and boot the fucking life out of him after forcing some fin into his not so smirky pipe hole. I’m sure our testosterone would come back on line for such an opportunity. I’m not a vengeful person but for this I’d forego my lifelong standards.

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#53

Police: Tulsa suspect targeted surgeon he blamed for pain (yahoo.com)

As much as this dude’s message is going to be lost to the gun control debate I bet there’s a lot of chronic and neglected pain sufferers nodding in approval.

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#54

@mstone. Yes I have seen that, but major media is ignoring the “revenge for pain” angle in favor of more gun control.

Us Americans have a unique situation.
Most readers here are from across the Big Pond, and gun ownership in most their cases is more restrictive.

We have midterms in 4 months, and now a rash of killings, immediately followed by calls for gun control. How naive do they think we are?

Back to the main subject, I couldn’t injure or kill a Dr because he gave me PFS but some here may be more bloodthirsty. The world degenerates daily. Jim

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#55

I wrote this elsewhere, and want it on my record as well.

It has been nearly 30 years of lives ruined by fin, and merck must know this is happening. Why do they not take action , research a cure, reach out to the victims?

We all know the answer. $$$$$

If they admit the harm they’ve done, the compensation would be enormous. Look at the billions rewarded for baby powder, or asbestos relief. How many brands of fin would be pulled off the market? More lost $$$$.

No, we can wish and hope and pray, but Big Pharma will never make us right voluntarily or willingly. May the wrath of God be poured out onto them. Jim

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#56

Yeah where’s all the personal injury ads like mesothelioma. “If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with post-finasteride syndrome call us now…we fight the big drug companies”. That would be epic.

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#57

Please hold on Jim. I’d hate to lose you. We will get justice one day, we have to keep pushing.

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#58

Today I watched my wife’s face as she read a book. Studying it, still enjoying it after 47 years together.

I then realized that due to PFS, we won’t have those long golden years together that we have anticipated. I found I had tears in my eyes thinking of her, alone in the future.

Considering the emotional anhedonia I’ve experienced for too long, I was surprised by the tears.

I just wanted to mention this. Jim

"It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…"

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#59

This morning was so surreal, I hesitate to write of it. You’ll think I was dreaming…but this is my journal, so here goes.

I awoke about an hour earlier than usual. I was shocked to realize that my penis was tumescent. Not stiff enough to enjoy, but its first sign of life in over three years.

I’ll admit I fondled it a bit, hoping for it to get hard. Instead, after about 5 minutes it was soft again.

During this time I also noticed that, for the first time in forever, I felt positive! I looked forward to today, planned the things I hoped to do. It was like a throwback to the old pre-PFS days.

Finally, I dozed off again. When my eyes reopened a while later…reality was back. My body was tired even after a night’s sleep. I ached like I’d been beaten. My penis was a shrunken joke again. My mind was fuzzy once more. All joy and anticipation from earlier was replaced by dread and depression.

How could this be? Is something good trying to break through? Has anyone else experienced this?

Life is a bitch, and PFS a sadistic whore. I had a view of what could be, and -snap your fingers- it was gone. Thoughts? Jim

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#60

Twice in the first few months. Like the reward path got turned back on for a few hours. First time I thought I was cured and started making life plans. Second time was even more intense but I couldn’t enjoy it because I knew it was just a mirage.

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#61

What a cruel joke, right? I should have known a recovery wouldn’t happen overnight. To add insult to injury, later yesterday my left hip gave out while walking, I nearly buckled to the floor. It’s OK today though, just a little sorer than usual. Jim

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#62

If you by any chance continue to experience these recovery lapses or if you feel improvements, please share them. It would be very nice to hear and very encouraging for most.

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#63

It would be safe to say that we all come to this forum for differing reasons.

Some men discuss why their penis does this or does that, yet hardly ever what they want it to do: get hard and function properly.

Some of us discuss the latest potential recoveries, using scientific journals and 10-syllable science words.

Others argue over diets and protocols that work for some and not for others. There are a myriad of reasons why we post here.

I don’t come for any of the above reasons. Like a few others, I need the interaction and fellowship of like-minded and similarly damaged friends. Is there room for us here?

My point (and I do have one): Friends I share with have been disappearing lately. Two I notice are @Exsexgod and @Taw. Neither has posted much, if any, in recent weeks. I’m told they are OK, but not here.

Now, one of them liked to talk about his misery, and I wonder if he got bullied away. He won’t even engage in PM 's. One of them was irreverent and sometimes rubbed people wrong. Did he get banned or just bored?

I don’t expect answers, only they know for sure. I liked to talk about less technical matters than most, to help myself stay calm in the midst of this PFS induced nightmare. Two of my friends are gone, and the discussions to read each day are of epigenetics and methylizations and ar inhibitors and so on and so on. And I know there was a day I could have engaged in those talks with the best of them. Not now, no more. Effing fin.

On another subject, @Call_Me_Fighter asked me to mention any recent changes, for better or worse (stemming from a post I made several days back.)

I have had two other instances of a semi-tumescent penis, nothing great but more than anything in the past few years. But I also have had more urine dribbling and leakage than usual.

Also, back in the beginning I had horrible acne for several months (it’s in my initial member story) and I have been blemish free for over a year. Dry skin instead of oily, actually. In this past week, I have begun forming zits again. Small so far, nothing like the ugly leaking pustules from 3 years ago.

Finally, the suicidal ideation has hit again with a vengeance. Just on and on, finish it, rest will be so sweet. So enticing.

I guess this got long, but these are my thoughts for today. Thanks for reading. Jim

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#64

Dear friend Jim! Before PFS I looked back to my life and it was exciting. I have been living in different towns and countryside, I have had many relationships, women, red light, alcohol, but I never found the inner peace, after my mother died, the only place to rest my home since my childhood wasn’t a place to rest anymore. The last 15 years I have been searching for a peaceful home, for living my dream as a nature experience guide in a lovley area together with the right woman to find my inner peace. I did wrong everything I did, since my mother is gone. No one to warn me from bad desicions. So the last 15 years I run from one chaos to the other. PFS is the final countdown.

So I m so tiered that I let life run down the street with some joy of affairs, buzzing and binge eating all night, money if my parents, dealing with toxic relationships and criminal consultants like a female real estate criminal, who destroyed my financial background, a female therapist, who said nothing over years and has stolen my chance for psychological health. I let everything flow, never asked about my prostate, stayed with the criminal backdoor fricklers. Never reflected toxic relationships.

Now I m tired. As a fool who have had every chance, let the things run downhill. After my mother there have been no one who protected my against myself and my sudden desicions from one second to the other, only emotional, resistent to all the good advices from my friends and people who love me. I destroyed my own life.

So I m in regret with my whole life now. Never had the balls to make a desicion by myself. Never fought for my vision. Only let me lead by toxic influencers like the killer urologist or the criminal real estate consultant. Never been critical for the killer poison, on the other side searching for asbestos in every corner of my house. So creazzy all.

So dear Jim, be so thankful for the 47 years with your loving wife. And a peaceful life until Merck fucked you down.

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#65

have you tried anything, exsexgod?

#66

I tried psychotherapy and stayed in different rehabilitation programs and psychosomatic hospitals. But the key point is with severe psychological problems you don’t need medications or a part time therapy, you need a mentor and analyst for livetime, someone who supports you and leads you through the insane dshungle life is for a borderliner. It has been my mother. But than I didn’t recognize the danger I was in and didn’t look for a coach or a supervisor.

After some weeks with pfs I had appointments with two of the best known PFS specialists in Germany. Got all my hormons checked. But at the state of research it’s an epigenetical disregulation, caused by some alterations in the DNA code, so nothing helps to cure. Only mental will and time!

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