The depression is so severe that existing is absolute torture. Been off the poison nearly four months now and whatever hope I did have is gone. I don’t want to be here anymore
I know it’s super hard but try to soldier on. Always remember that your current state of mind does not tell you anything about your state of mind in the future.
Try to keep busy with work and exercise.
Many people completely recover in the first year.
Try to understand that it’s not your actual idea, suicidal ideation is intruded in your mind by the disease like some kind of alien parasite. And you have to fight it. Once your state of mind becomes more clear, you’ll see that. I support the idea of keeping busy and avoiding these thoughts as something hostile and malign.
I’ve been there myself and I’m still glad I haven’t done anything stupid.