Sufferer of pfs for 9 years. Sexual, neurological, and emotional blunting.
Honestly, I don’t know how I survived the first few years. I remember how difficult they were. But I was 20, I wasn’t going to give up, I had so much life left to live.
I struggled to finish my chemical engineering degree - took me 6 years to complete the minimum 4 years. But I finished, it was grueling work managing the brain fog. I didn’t find any relationships - i couldn’t have sex without drugs, and I certainly didn’t want to have sex, I didn’t have any need. But I still sought out the intimacy, but disappointing these partners always left me alone.
By some miracle I found a decent job. But I struggle to complete even simple tasks. Even more as the years go on. It’s another miracle they haven’t fired me. Everything I touch at work is always wrong or has mistakes, it’s so embarrassing because it’s simple tasks, never mind the big projects. It’s so exhausting. The brain fog is much better than the early years, but not completely gone, I have a bad memory and I just don’t have the critical thinking skills I should have at my age. I also have no drive or motivation, I just try to get through every day as best I can doing the bare minimum.
While I can achieve an erection sometimes, it never lasts more than a few minutes. This is the only improvement from the beginning when I couldn’t even feel my penis for a few years. Besides, I don’t even want to have sex, it’s just to keep my partner interested. The sex feels good when it happens, especially since I’m not always sober, so that helps. But without drugs, my penis might as well just be a sack of skin.
But I’m realising I’m not happy. Not that I could feel happiness anyway, since the anhedonia and emotional blunting. I literally can’t feel love, or anger, or joy, or jealousy. I can’t even feel hunger or thirst. I just feel weak and know I need to eat, or get a headache or dry mouth and know I should drink water. Even enjoying food and water has been taken away from me.
Fin took everything from me, everything except my ability to breath. I wish it just killed me so I wouldn’t have to do it myself. More recently, I’m gaining the courage to end it. I cant live a life of struggling every day. It’s not a life. It’s torture. I used to have the fight in me to not give up, but its not making any sense for me.
Doctors gaslight me and say it’s all in my head. Antidepressants make the sexual sides even worse.
I have a method and an approximate date for when I’m going to do it. I’ve put up a good fight for these 9 years, I’m incredibly proud of myself. I tried everything. Semen retention being the main thing that helped my mental health, and creatin and exercising. But even then, its just hides the suicidal ideation.
I know my family and friends won’t understand when they find out, but once they know i have pfs and how ghostly my life has been, how unhappy I’ve been, I hope they can understand… but, if im honest, I don’t care if they don’t understand. They don’t have to live like this.
If youre reading this and have a similar condition, please fight on. Do whatever it takes to find happiness. In the last 9 years, I’m glad I stuck around, there were a handful of moments that maybe made it worthwhile. I’m very grateful i tried and squeezed what little joy from this life I could find.
But god. I’m so tired. This post doesn’t even cover half of how completely useless I feel, how empty and numb I am. How everyday is more stressful than the last. How my brain is slipping from me more and more everyday. The final straw was my ability to play piano is clearly deteriorating, music was the one thing that truly still made me feel alive, and im losing that now too. It’s just too much.
I think the reason I feel anxiety and depression is because it’s a state of mind, rather than a chemical of emotion that one feels. It’s like without my sexuality all that’s left is anxiety. And if that’s all I can feel for the rest of my life, then im so sorry, that’s not at all sustainable. I’d rather just tap out.
Sex. Emotions. Passion. Hunger and thirst. Love. All of these are divine god given birthrights that every human has, but this poison has at a chemical and molecular level denied me these pleasures of life. I can’t love anybody. I don’t feel it, I don’t have the urge to love anybody. Im just walking and breathing.
I’ve seen enough of life now, at the ripe age of 29, to call it quits. I’m not scared, I’m actually counting down the days until I can do it (im waiting for the right time after I’ve seen everybody I need to and arrange for everything). I’m not sad (not that i can feel sad anyway). I’m so relieved I’ve decided. I’m at peace, dare I say, about the decision.