I'm crying as I type this

General Discussion
#5

Finatruth – I definitely believe there’s something to that. Yours is one of the stories I’ve followed, and you’ve consistently conveyed a positive approach and written of incremental progress. I think it might be the magic ingredient in what CDNuts pulled off – he was so totally focused, tunnel vision-like, on his program, he so adamantly believed it…there’s got to be a connection between that kind of positivity, that kind of dedication and making a recovery program work.

But I fear it’s a catch-22 for me. My nature is to worry, to obsess, to panic easily. That was my nature before I ever took Propecia. I suspect that nature – the wiring in my brain that made me that way – played into all of this. The way my brain is wired made me a perfect candidate to get wrecked by Propecia. And now to get out of it I need to develop an attitude that I’m just not wired to have. I can only fake outward positivity. I can’t fake it on the inside, where I seem to buy myself at best a few good hours here and there of believing I’m on some track to recovery, that I’m getting some kind of result of progress that’s eluded me. But then the doubt returns, the questioning, the second-guessing, the “Well wait a minute, didn’t I actually feel this same thing for 30 seconds back 9 months ago?” thoughts. I fear that I was perfectly wired to fall into this trap – and that same wiring makes it impossible for me to ever escape.

#6

This is good to know. Just curious – have physical changes in your penis coincided with this? i.e. is it fuller/healthier/less retracted as your sexual appetite has increased? And are you getting spontaneous erections during the day? That’s the one thing I remember from those few days in November '12 when the T injection worked for me – I’d walk around and have a sexual (or even just romantic) thought, and I’d feel the connection – blood going to the penis, getting an erection. That just doesn’t happen now. I think about once a month I will randomly get an erection while sitting around and it will last for maybe 5-10 minutes. This has been happening steadily, though – about once a month since this all started.

#7

Don’t give up. I know what it’s like to be in that state of mind. But 2014 will be a good year.

#8

Sad reading. I feel for you.

I know it seems like the problems are piling up right now, but don’t get overwhelmed (this has been a problem for me too). Try focussing on a few things you want to improve in your life. Small manageable goals. The world can do its own thing for a while.

#9

i am officially at rock bottom in my life. i realized last night what this drug did to me. my face looks different, i used to have fat there, it’s all been stripped away, this thing has aged me so much. the only thing i wanted in my fucking life was a girlfriend and to fall in love and i never got it. and now i feel like some kind of freak of society, people don’t even look at me the same. i’m only 25. how did this happen? i keep asking myself today, how the fuck did this happen? i kept trying to stay positive, but holy shit guys… i really am at rock bottom. i ran out of money trying different treatments, i have very few real friends anymore, no real relationships, i cant think properly, everyone looks at me different. i have tried putting myself out there. i keep talking to girls, trying relationships, trying to make friends. it is just not working out in anything i am trying to do. god bless my mom, i love her so much, if it wasnt for her i think i wouldve given up all ready. god please save me. im crying as i type this now too. i officially have nothing.

#10

Dude, it’s really hard to manage the T injections.
You need to take them with a good enough frequency (2x per week at least), and control estrogen.
I also dismissed TRT in the past because I felt like SHIT after a couple of days of my first injection. That’s a good sign, that you’re responding, not a bad sign.
Here’s a good guide for you:
tnation.t-nation.com/free_online … injections

#11

I read everything, and it hurts. There isn’t much to say, we all know how it is. I broke again a couple of weeks ago. It has been a while since last time. I’ve been exhausted to the point where I just want to let go, but I’m not going to, not now anyway. I have a family, friends and a girlfriend that cares what happens to me, and I know that it’s possible to recover. You know that too, based on your experience with TRT. It’s not the answer, but it’s worth it, even if it just gives you a glimpse of your former self.

#12

Recent quitter- yes change in penis has correlated with recent improvements. It is starting to hang longer and fuller; more sensitive, not cold and numb, first 18 months cold and shriveled almost all the time

#13

I get that it’s tricky. But after that first roller coaster ride on the first injection, I never got a bounce from it again. We increased dosage and frequency, different amounts/frequency of the estrogen-blocker and…nothing. Not even a good day or a few good hours. No sign that it was registering at all with my body. I don’t think that was a problem of balancing. If it was, I would have accidentally hit the sweet spot at some point. But never, not after that first injection. So I think there’s something else at work.

#14

Yes, it’s more to it - possibly a thyroid issue.

#15

Then how do you explain that it worked for the 1st time?
For me it also happened like that, if I try it for the 1st time (wihout being supressed), then I will feel the effects of my endogenous T + outside T, which works amazing. And then it starts to fade quite fast.
You can stay away from TRT, and let your body restore homeostasis, and then try again. I bet you’ll get the same effects as you had the 1st time.

#16

I mean, my experience was that I took an injection on a Thursday afternoon and really felt the sexual benefits on Sunday. Then Monday, it was gone. By later in the week it was back, then gone after the weekend, back again, gone again – sometimes turning on and off during the day, and then it just stopped working completely. And EVERY OTHER injection I had after that produced ZERO response. Didn’t even at any point give me a few hours of response. That’s despite all sorts of attempts to switch dosage, frequency and using an AI. Zero response. The experience strongly suggests that something bigger was holding my system back. That the first jolt of T sort of overcame it, but was then overpowered by my broken system.

#17

I think a lot about my parents and family who invested so much emotionally into me since I was a child and I reward them with this. Its like a bad bad dream.

#18

I think about all the panic attacks, calling my parents in the middle of the night to tell them I love them because I was positive I was dying and all the times they drove me to the ER and all I can do is cry too guys. I’m coming up on 2 years since i quit and the anxiety and panic is still with me. I cannot believe I took a drug without knowing it fucks with you brain chemistry.

#19

I tend to see things in a positive way… and here’s the way I see this (I’m a quite recent sufferer though)

I just had an appointment with my GP and we ended up laughing with my diagnosis. What I told her was what concerns me the most was not the ED or the loss of libido but the mental disorders that could causing me to loose my job that I really like. Fortunately I don’t need sex to pay my bills, otherwise I’d be fucked (Not literally)!

Other “good” thing about this, for those who have sexual side effects, is that we lost ED and libido. It would be a lot more worse If we had a phenomenal willingness to have sex but no matter what we do, we couldn’t have an erection. I haven’t had sex or masturbated in a few weeks now and I’m not emotionally destroyed, depressed or whatever specifically because of this. We have a problem, we have to fix it, but it’s not the end of life/world.
Another positive thing is that we don’t feel pain, unlike a cancer where people are eaten from the inside.

There’s a lot of perspectives where we can see this, these are just 2. Take it as a test that you can’t fail!

There’s another neutral thing, probably just related to a very reduced percentage of men around here. I’m gay and I didn’t have the social pressure of having a family, kids, and so on, before this problem… I guess this kind of pressure is also added on top of most of you. (Irony of life, struggled like hell to have a decent boyfriend, got one couple of months ago and now this. Fortunately he is doctor and very understandable. woof. Let’s see for how long…)

Either way, think positive, always! If you have something that you really like to do like, singing, dancing, playing an instrument, meditate, now it’s the time to do it! If you don’t have any, try some, I’m sure that you’ll have one that you’ll really like!
We’re fortunate to be in a time where information is so vast and communication is so quick. Although, the downside of this is that people get obsessed with all this information and I can tell you that this forum has been my second job since I discovered it and I’ve learned a lot BUT I have some symptoms that I don’t know if I have because I’ve read it here or because I really have them!

These are my newbie 2 cents. Take care y’all!

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#20

Breather, I’m a gay dude too. These libido issues make me think I’ll never find a boyfriend, because who will really be able to accept it? My sexual health doctor told me that I may over-estimate just how much people have sex, but I don’t know. Is once a week sufficient??

You mentioned that we’re fortunate not to feel pain. Unfortunately that’s not necessarily true. Latest symptom for me is an aching feeling in my groin that never goes away. Sometimes it has me curling over in pain, but most of the time it’s just “there”. I’m nearly always conscious of it and sometimes it wakes me up. It is also quite draining. Imagine having a headache forever, in your penis. :neutral_face:

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#21

A penisache! That gets a little bit worse… Are you sure that its due to finasteride though…? Are there any other fellas reporting that? Have you rolled out all the STD’s like gonorrhoea or any other infections?

#22

Yeah, I had a full std check last month. All clear… Next step is urologist in April.

#23

I dont care how much life sucks now. Not gonna kill myself because im not gonna bring any more pain to my family. Now that ive decided that, I need to be pragmatic. Participate in research, take medication for depression, workout every day, diet, meditate, serve others. Self pity is not helping me. Will wait for more information from studies. Im doing more blood tests now. I had a friend who died from cystic fibrosis. I keep telling myself, if she could be so postiive, so can I. I will either die, or put on a strong face and roll with life. No sense in staying in the middle.

#24

On the other hand… Why is this so fucking dramatic? I took 9 pills of this poison. Im ruined! Beyond hope or help! Im sorry I just got home from the gym. Nothing works correctly. Thinner skin, small veins, thin arms, fat abdomen, weakness. I look at other dudes in the gym. I used to ne just like them with almost a perfect fucking manly androgen filled body. Now im left with this. Sorry but atleast I was maintaing muscle the first year off. Now im losing muscle and getting weaker. Time doesnt seem to be healing me. Seems to be making me WORSE. Why should I hang around for this fucked up fucking bullshit I will NOT live the majority of my life like this. 2 years out of 25 is about enough. Atleast i had 23 good years. I might make it 3 yrs. But after that its taken too much.