If you are married, please respond

General Discussion
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#21

Great posts boston,

I think there’s a bit of a maturity gap here. “Break up with him!” is horrible advice… I understand the mentality that produces that advice (“she’s better off without me… what can I offer?”) but relationships take work and the best ones have weathered some serious storms. AllAlone… you seem like a lovely, thoughtful girl and your dude is lucky to have you. Take the time to talk to him about your needs and express them in an empathetic non-judgemental tone (something I can tell you will be able to do easily). Sometimes we assume our partners know exactly how we feel… this couldn’t be further from the truth. Be open, be honest and commit to trying to find a solution that works for both of you .

It may turn out that you have to part ways but at least you’ll have tried to salvage the relationship.

Take care,

#22

AllAlone- I think my wife could relate very much to what you said. We are in couples therapy which is helping us a great deal, but the disconect in intimacy (non-sexual) has been a real by-product of my/our experience. We are working on regaining that and it’s a wonderful thing, but it turns back on her sexual desire which is a problematic situation. Nonethelss, it’s better than the disconnected state we lived in for many years. My advice to you would be to work on reconnecting in terms of intimacy. I am not sure it is going to work to be in an uncommitted relationship (as in, not marriage) that is based just on friendship and essentially a brother/sisterly kind of love. If you want to make things work with him, which obviously you do if you put forth such a thoughtful post, I would gently bring up this lack of connection and figure out ways to reconnect in a non-sexual way. I do agree with all of the other men who suggest that this is a real disease and has to be treated with compassion and understanding from the spouse, but I also agree that your partner needs to show you compassion too and if you are feeling alone, that is just not fully acceptable either. A relationship takes two parties who work together to form a situation that fulfills both of them, within whatever parameters or contstraints they face, in the case of our situations.

#23

I appreciate all the helpful responses on here.

I talked to a therapist i am seeing about my boyfriend and I’s relationship. He suggested we get couples therapy, but neither one of us can afford it. I told my boyfriend how I feel about how I feel, and how I feel like he treats me differently because he isnt sexually attracted to me anymore. He said he would try harder to be more emotionally available. Sometimes he’s great, and he has even made out with me a few time( he admitted he wasnt feeling it when he starts, but once we get going, hes better). However, we live far away and both have jobs/school so we only get to spend afew hours together every other week. Usually it is with his family because they always have something going on. It is hard to have romantic time together.

We talked about breaking up. Well, he did. He said it wasnt fair to me to be dealing with this. But I told him how I felt. I told him that even if there was no sex, i would still rather be with him forever. I wasnt even thinking about sex when I fell in love with him, and at the time i didnt even know i would want sex.

This summer he is trying different “treatments”. I really hope one of them works. He goes on this site often(that is actually how I found it).

If anyone still has any advice, please let me know. Our relationship has gotten better, but it is still really hard.

#24

Nyer,
I am married and lately we have been trying to find stuff we both enjoy and can do together. She has to become your best friend and you have to suck it up at times and do stuff you may not feel like doing. Even in our condition we still have to be the man in the relationship. I have been married for over 7 years and its pretty hard… but my heart really goes out to the single guys on this site. I couldn’t begin to imagine trying to actually start a relationship in this messed up condition.

#25

Steffenc- does this mean you have sex with her? My wife and I have been talking about this again. I think she really, really needs it although she is I suspect being brave for me. I definitely do not want to though, and it’s almost worse having sex with HER than a stranger, because we have a marrital life, you know? (Like, it’s embarrassing or something- not too sure how to express it).

Anyway, just looking to get some thoughts from other men in my position. If you don’t mind laying out the tactics (like whether you ahve sex, how often, and frankly just how- as in, with Viagra, etc., that would be great).

#26

I dont know if you want a female’s perspective on the idea of sex, but here is mine…
I was talking about my boyfriend and I to my therapist. We are waiting till marriage to have sex, so none of this really applies to us, but i could offer some suggestions. If your wife feels like she needs it(which, I admit, i have sometimes felt the same way) there are ways to get intamate that doesnt require a penis. I know that sounds obvious. If you want to please your wife, but you cant get things going down there, doing things with your hand or toys can be just as sexy.
Let me know if I am way out of line here. Just trying to help.

#27

AllAlone- you are definitely not out of line. I appreciate the advice. We have discussed this to some extent. I think my wife feels deeply uncomfortable with the fact that I don’t have a libido. As in, I’d be doing things to her without feeling turned on myself, which she says doesn’t feel right. She could just do those things herself, essentially. It’s not the sex I suspect she wants (I mean, of course that is part of it- just not all of it)- it’s the feeling of being desired by your spouse, and having that component of our lives feel right. She is understanding though, so I have hope that we’ll figure out the right fit. It’s just frustrating.

#28

Bingo. Mechanically pleasing a woman isn’t the same for them as wanting to sexually please a woman. Instead of pleasure it becomes a duty, and the woman doesn’t want duty, she wants to be desired. There’s a huge intimacy component that comes through shared desire.