I hate this guys. My manhood and masculinity has completely evaporated. Even compared to how I was a year ago, I’m a lot less assertive and confident. Hell, I used to be full of rage at PFS but now I don’t even have the heart to truly care about that these days.
My typing is more sloppy. My thoughts feel like that of a 14 year old girl, not a 28 year old man. I can hardly watch movies without being overwhelmed and politics now feels like one big competition of ego, not the powerful worldly discipline it used to be for me.
I feel like I have dementia. When I’m browsing YouTube I’m more inclined to click on a video I saw in my past, rather than anything new or inspiring that I used to absorb readily.
Hell, even my taste in porn has changed, lol. On the rare occasion I can get it up, I find myself watching videos I used to watch as a teenager. Watching modern videos of healthy young people have sex throws me into a violent rage. There have been so many moments when I’ve seen other people going to concerts, making memories, revelling in the current world while I’m turning into this hapless man child ever since this has happened.
The way I talk is sloppy. My thoughts are more feminine and poetic. I find myself relating more to old women than people my age. I hardly have a sense of humour, and I’m easily intimidated by the way people speak and act. Even reading discussions about my old passions - film, philosophy, etc - makes me angry as other people are so much better at elucidating their opinions compared to how I am now.
I literally don’t feel like the same being half the time, lol. Not even in the sense that I’ve changed, but rather the man who I was literally died when I took those tablets and I’m some sort of weird, childlike replacement that was put in his place.
Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure I caught Covid this year and now I have some mild version of long Covid on top of all this, lmao. I can’t even get enough sunlight because the house I live in is dark and in a loud urban environment that makes going out difficult.
God. Whatever. Anyway, I’m just putting this out there. Stay strong brothers, I’m not going to say this will all work out but if there is a chance at overcoming this venting is probably part of that process.