I’ve turned into a giant kid

I hate this guys. My manhood and masculinity has completely evaporated. Even compared to how I was a year ago, I’m a lot less assertive and confident. Hell, I used to be full of rage at PFS but now I don’t even have the heart to truly care about that these days.

My typing is more sloppy. My thoughts feel like that of a 14 year old girl, not a 28 year old man. I can hardly watch movies without being overwhelmed and politics now feels like one big competition of ego, not the powerful worldly discipline it used to be for me.

I feel like I have dementia. When I’m browsing YouTube I’m more inclined to click on a video I saw in my past, rather than anything new or inspiring that I used to absorb readily.

Hell, even my taste in porn has changed, lol. On the rare occasion I can get it up, I find myself watching videos I used to watch as a teenager. Watching modern videos of healthy young people have sex throws me into a violent rage. There have been so many moments when I’ve seen other people going to concerts, making memories, revelling in the current world while I’m turning into this hapless man child ever since this has happened.

The way I talk is sloppy. My thoughts are more feminine and poetic. I find myself relating more to old women than people my age. I hardly have a sense of humour, and I’m easily intimidated by the way people speak and act. Even reading discussions about my old passions - film, philosophy, etc - makes me angry as other people are so much better at elucidating their opinions compared to how I am now.

I literally don’t feel like the same being half the time, lol. Not even in the sense that I’ve changed, but rather the man who I was literally died when I took those tablets and I’m some sort of weird, childlike replacement that was put in his place.

Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure I caught Covid this year and now I have some mild version of long Covid on top of all this, lmao. I can’t even get enough sunlight because the house I live in is dark and in a loud urban environment that makes going out difficult.

God. Whatever. Anyway, I’m just putting this out there. Stay strong brothers, I’m not going to say this will all work out but if there is a chance at overcoming this venting is probably part of that process.

Peace.

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hey brother sorry to hear about how things are for you

i dont feel the same either, im completely numb internally at this point. but i like to look at it as a challenge to overcome.

sure i dont have the motivation to do half, or any of the things i did before pfs but motivation is temporary even when i was normal. so i rely on will power and habbits which are trainable

im not some hercules who steamrollls through everything i need to do but framing all of this BS as a challenge to overcome with rewards (habits, discipline, fortitude, etc) at the end is what i rely on.

@axolotl and @awor are truly rspiring in that regards. both with a million times more severe symptoms than myself, and yet accomplished high level milestones

I always see other guys talking about this axolotl. what are his symptoms?

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Sorry to hear how you’re feeling @maxim117. I appreciate your venting and you’re certainly right that it’s a necessary part of the process.

I understand all too well the sentiments you’ve shared here. When I consider how much my life has changed…well, I can hardly put into words how painful it is. I find myself, as I know many here do, constantly recalling past moments of my life wishing somehow I could crawl back to them.

Despite our condition, I do believe the people we were are still in us. Even if our health has been invariably changed, even if it is often impossible to recall the feelings that once defined us, somewhere in us still exist the experiences and values that make us who we are.

And if it’s any consolation, I truly believe that one day, when the science catches up, we will be able to return to who we were (health and all).

Nonetheless, this condition fucking sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

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I feel this big time. I used to be an avid, talented writer. With PFS I’ve forgotten a lot of words, phrases, and grammar. I also can’t pick up on tone as well as I used to. It’s sort of like a musician who has lost his ear for music. Infinitely infuriating.

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Thank you all so much for your honest words.

It can help a lot for those who are facing a badly damaged life if we are honest with each other and also talk honestly about our fate. Because many sufferings. and powder XXY and hormone HXC didn’t cure us. So it can also be a great support if all those who suffer so much from the crap get in touch and show us all that we are not alone. That most of them struggle from day to day and somehow try to survive. Or those who can live but mourn the old joys.

Or like me living in the past, Exactly like Maxim said, disconnected from my actual personality. Like many others in permanet regret and try to live an alternative reality in my imagination without the lifechanging mistakes leading into the catastrophy. This special pfs life, ignoring the presence is so widespread among us. The regression to an empty life. This act to stand up and the force we need to force the next day.

And all the time I hear: “Inject your XY and shut up! XXY from XXS injected XY and is cured to 80 % with XYZ even to 120 % now! If you dont inject, you do nothing and we dont want to read your negative comments.” So many poor boys silenced by that self censorship.

Of course it’s nice that many who report here overcome the symptoms in the first year and report the happiness of being able to live normally again. It’s nice that some patients with the symptoms years later (with hormone replacement therapy and accepting the disease) are living better. And full of joy report how many percent they now feel healed. Then there are the many absurd stories of supposedly severe cases taking a mineral powder after ten years or suddenly out of nowhere having sex 3 to 6 times a day and feeling completely cured. People who delight in writing to us how great they are now and what protocol has allowed them to overcome pfs so beautifully, potently and intelligently. Supposedly they want to give us hope that even after 10 years with pulver XXY everything will be fine again. This is also known as the Munchausen Liar Baron Syndrome. They are people who delight in the suffering of others and then feel like heroes with absurd stories of help.

The real victims suffer and remain silent. So thank you all so much for your honest words.

Which doesn’t mean that there is no hope. Unfortunately, the enthusiasm for goal-oriented research and warning other poor devils about the poison has been very limited across the entire community for the past 20 years. On the other hand, every nonsense prophet with absurd powder and crazy theories is chased like the craziest healing stories.

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Watching any media now all I do is look at faces flush with collagen, mine has become so hollow and gaunt. In 50+ years I never noticed anyone’s cheeks before and now that’s all I see.

Politics seems like people arguing over things I wish I had the mental bandwidth to still care about. Folks who give lip service to ‘nothing more important than health’ without knowing what it really means. I don’t fault people for taking their basic genetic structure and sense of self for granted but what a world we’d live in if they didn’t. Everyone waking up each day grateful that they were warned away from 5-ARI poisoning before it was too late. No matter who wins an election or what ballot initiatives pass or fail they could look in the mirror and think ‘I’m still me, life is good’.

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It’s so crazy that we have taken on a drug that has been on the market since 1994 and has been destroying men’s lives for 28 years. It’s as crazy as if we’ve eaten poisonous death caps from the forest in a mental derangement because corrupt m******** have withheld the knowledge about toadstools and we didn’t listen to what even mother has told us as a child. Be carefuly, don’t put everything in your mouth. That we shouldn’t see this danger makes everything else seem so absurd. Everyone who was lucky enough to be critical at the right moment seems to live in a parallel universe for us. Their feelings and issues seem light years away for us.

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here’s his post. enlarge it to read it fully, its quite long

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Hey guys, just want to say thanks for all the kind words and support. This thing is a fucking roller coaster, as I’m sure you’re all aware lol.

Honestly, I’m glad I found this place. I’ll be honest, there have been times I’ve felt too humiliated and isolated to want to come here, feeling like I’m just hanging out with a bunch of fellow sick dejects whilst life moves on anyway, but the more time goes on the more I’m opening up to accepting this as part of my journey, as horrific as it is, and wanting to be part of the solution for all this.

Honestly guys, I know we say it often but you all are complete troopers to get through each day with this. This is the sort of test that even kings and emperors will never face and yet each day we’re here, alive, fighting the good fight. It can be utter hell at times but every moment we fight to survive, every moment we fight to have hope and meaning in all this is an act that ripples to the very depths of the universe. If there is a God, then he is awed by our ability to persist even under the most nightmarish of conditions.

I know it’s a cliche but don’t give up hope. Dont give up on life. Whilst there’s little scientific answers for our predicament just yet, I just honestly believe this won’t be forever and that help is on the way. This really is the thalidomide of our generation and public awareness is coming. We just have to ride out the bullshit for now but at a time, not long from now, we’ll get the recognition and support we so desperately deserve.

Hang in there guys. We can do this.

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@maxim117 You’ve summed it up perfectly. Especially the apathy towards all my old interests. I used to constantly read and listen to podcasts, and now I’m barely interested in anything.

I’ve always been fairly misanthropic, but PFS has taken this to new levels. No wonder we’re heading towards climate breakdown - many humans are fundamentally greedy, selfish and enamoured by money. No surprise that Fin is still on the market then.

Honestly if I had the means I’d go and live off grid in a remote cabin somewhere. Feel free to join me. Maybe we could start a commune.

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In my experience the mental PFS symptoms can all be attributed to a dysfunctional “desire/satisfaction” system. Probably closely related to or the cause of a dysfunctional dopaminergic system.

Excitement or anger is related to this system.
Libido is.
Anhedonia is.

I feel no desire / satisfaction / anger at all anymore.

Watching or listening to videos/music from the past is more “enjoyable” because it gives memories of what life and our experience before PFS used to be like. With functioning satisfaction etc.
All new media doesn’t really create these powerful emotions anymore. At least in my case.

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