Since my crash in March my sleep has been severely affected.
In the first 7 weeks I only slept 26 hours partly due to undiagnosed high cortisol.
Two months later I hit my head in the bath. After the accident I could only fall asleep around 12-1am for 4 hours whereas before I fell asleep easily around 10.30pm every night for up to 6 hours.
Since the accident I started to crash every week and then about once a month. With every small crash my anxiety and sleep get worse.
After two crashes in September I can only fall asleep after 2am most nights and maybe for 2.5 hours. If I miss a night’s sleep then I can sleep for up to 4 hours.
I can’t seem to stop crashing and it’s triggered by small amounts of stress. If this pattern continues I might stop sleeping altogether in the next 6 months and I assume this will become a terminal medical condition. I know we can live for sometime without any sleep but my anxiety and general wellbeing are awful after only a few days without sleep. The thought of dieing without sleep concerns me and I would want some type of quick end either through dignitas or by my own hand.
I am not looking for sympathy it’s an awful situation and I’ve messed up my life. My Pastor said we ultimately make the decisions to end up were we are and I have done just that. I’ve underestimated the things that caused me harm and overestimated the things that didn’t.
I hate that this crap is the major talking point of my life rather than a family and a career doing something I loved. My biggest mistakes in life are not being more honest with myself, being too hard on myself and not asking for more help. I’ve missed sight of what life is all about. Being outside, being around other people, being thankful, making the most of our time and helping others were we can. For the first time I feel hopeless. I know my past friends would be shocked at my demise because I was so active and happy. I wanted to do more in my current situation but I continue to deteriorate despite my best efforts and my condition seems progressive.
I’m confused on how I move forward and live the next 6 months. I maybe over reacting or under reacting I don’t know. My decision-making skills have deteriorated and despite everything I feel calm about the situation, which is what worries me. Other guys would be freaking out in this situation and I should really by more concerned. What would you guys do in my situation? How do you find fulfillment in such circumstances? I know that’s a tough question to ask but you guys are smart and observant.