I fell in love with a PFS'r

I fell in love with a PFS victim. WE fell in love actually. He had taken a few weeks of Propecia and had stopped right before I met him (early 2018). He realized what he was dealing with before we started connecting and when we became intimate he was very open and honest. It didn’t derail me one bit. He suffers greatly with spinning/revolving/painful testicles and ED. Loss of sensitivity. Connection issues. No morning or spontaneous erections. Sometimes pins and needles when he ejaculates. He’s so sensitive to cold temps. BUT, there HAS been a lot of amazing sex despite all that and the bond that we have found has been that one-of-a-kind love that doesn’t happen often. Like him, I was in a very vulnerable place as well with leaving an abusive relationship and we sort of found eachother at the right time. He’s unable to visit this website and copes with PFS in his own way. You would never know he had it. He’s the most unselfish guy I know and doesn’t like to put any focus on himself or his issues. He’s very successful in his career. I began perusing this site to try and find ways to relieve his symptoms and improve his quality of life. I fear that he hasn’t ‘accepted’ his condition and thus won’t be able to sustain peace. He has told me that he’s never loved anyone like he loves me. He’s an honest man and has learned a lot about himself and life in general having been going through this struggle. Our dilemma is this: I have 3 kids and he has ALWAYS wanted to have a lot of kids. He loves mine and thinks I’ve done the most beautiful thing in the world by having them. I’m up to having 1 more but he wants like 6 kids! I’m 35 and he’s 33… It’s beautiful that he has this desire, but I can’t provide that for him and he knows he cant ask that of me. Even having 1 more is a compromise for me but one I would take to be with him. I told him that having that many children is ALOT of work and just bringing one human into the world can be very meaningful. Neither of us think that we’d find anyone that would even come close to the caliber of eachother but, he’s dead set on this vision of a story book life. He says it’s lame to just have one kid… I wish I could get through to him but I don’t want to have to convince someone to be with me. He says he’s not rejecting me, that he’s never met anyone as perfect as me but, he wants to have alot of kids and can’t give that up. He wants to remain best friends and just flip the switch but I can’t. I wonder if this is just a normal breakup situation or if his PFS is clouding his judgments. I told him that I’m not enough for him, he doesn’t want me and that is okay but he says “NO”, that it has NOTHING to do with it or me not being exactly his dream girl - all but the kid part. I don’t understand how a person could want kids more than a life partner… I thought you found your soulmate and THEN figured out the kid part. I’ve had a strange life and therefore have no hesitations when it come to his PFS… At this point I’m just venting. Having read so many stories on this website I did want you guys to know that love is very much possible. I honestly don’t think I would have fallen for him pre-PFS. He’s much more mature and grounded than he used to be because of his struggle. The things we take for granted right…? I’m sure it sounds like he doesn’t love me and I’m in denial but it’s not that. I fear that his vision of the future is unrealistic but I of course can’t be the one to say it. And maybe I’m wrong. Do PFS’rs suffer with infertility, btw? He has not gotten that tested yet… I absolutely want the very best for him even if it’s not with me and he feels the same for me… I know I have to let him go but I love him fully. We’ve never been official - always knowing that we were in different places in life and hoping our feelings would fade but, they haven’t. It’s been over a year and I love him deeply. I’m worried that the stress of having that many kids would be bad for his body (from what I’ve been learning from this site)… Being a parent myself, I know that ONE child will change your life forever. I think I just want a man’s advice. Tell me like it is. Thanks for reading

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love to me is the most beautiful gift of all in life. To find someone that can also look beyond the physical aspect of love is very rare.

I am in my mid 20’s, my symptoms where less severe than 90% of the people here but I will give you my advice. I think about my advice and do what you think is right for you and him and your children.

I also want lot of kids and I will have as many as possible. I don’t know what the reason is behind this desire, but I believe it is some kind of evolutionary mechanism. I believed that I wouldn’t have kids and my life was over and having improved over time, I know that I can have children. it’s like finding out what is the most important thing in life to have children, to survive, your children are in a way your image/reflection, you will live-on in them and in there children until the end of time. not just same DNA, but your upbringing in life your teachings your habits ( its called Socialization in sociology) its good if you google.
I cant tell you what to do but I would suggest talking with him, fight for what you want in life. the very meaning of life is to fight fight and fight. you sound like you have found person who will fight beside you.
when you get old and look back at your life you will understand that greatest treasure you will have is having children and this is what I think he feels and wants. good luck with everything in life I wish you all the best.

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I think that is great that he is doing well enough that you were able to hold any sort of sexual relationship together. You are probably aware of the wide spectrum of sexual (dys)function members of this site experience.

There have been PFS, PSSD, and PAS victims I am aware of who were able to have children. The only true way to measure whether your partners fertility was effected would be for him to get it tested though.

TBH, I don’t think the predicament involving around having children that you describe is as much related to PFS as it is a typical relationship issue.

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Thanks for coming to share your experience here. We almost never hear from the significant others of people with PFS. Why is he not able to view this site? Has he been on here before?

I second Dubya’s comments. Based on your description, it doesn’t seem to me that his stance is related to the effects of PFS.

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He’s not able to because its too difficult for him to handle. He visited the site when he first crashed and then ever again because of the bleak reality. I told him I would explore the site and send him only the helpful bits.

Agreed… thanks for your reply.

Is there anything in particular you are looking for or specific complaints that are particularly tough for him? As you are probably aware, there is no known cure at this point, but there are ways to cope and safe things you can do to generally try such as seeing therapist, performing mindfulness meditation, exercise, eating healthy etc. Having a realistic attitude towards dealing with PFS is super important for managing day to day life too and something we probably need to work on here.

In my opinion, PFS most definitely must be affecting his judgement as well as his feelings. It is very hard to feel true love without sexuality, even if you have met the right person. Imagine you are gay and have to be with someone from the opposite sex… There’s no sexual attraction so no matter how much you care for that person, it won’t be at the level of romantic love - in my opinion. Just an analogy - no offense to anyone.

I think marriage is, almost more than anything else, about compromise. I do think it is possible to love without sex. Sex is important because it is the single clearest differentiator between co-habitators and lovers, but I do not believe it is critical. You would be the one making the decision on that, though, so I guess you don’t really need our opinion on that. If you don’t need it then his lack of libido might actually be good for the marriage since it would reduce motivation for him to stray. I don’t think PFS alters reasoning in the long run. Maybe a compromise would be to have two more kids.

Just to reiterate, I think sex is important but not critical. What attracts people to each other is gender polarity, not sex itself. Sex is just a manifestation of gender polarity. If you are feminine and he is masculine then you will still be attracted to each other. You will still enjoy doing little feminine things for him (e.g., helping him get ready for something, sewing a button back on, whatever) and he will still enjoy doing little masculine things for you (e.g., opening jar for you, diagnosing your car problem, etc). He’ll appreciate and love your kindness and gentleness, you’ll love his strength and emotional stability. Because of this polarity, you will feel good being around each other even if you aren’t having sex. These days a lot of people screw up their lives FOMOing always looking for some amazing sex that some pop magazine or tv show told them they are supposed to be having or that they had once as a hookup with someone who would be terrible in an actual relationship. A lot of people swiping around Tinder throwing away their best years trying to find something that doesn’t even exist.