Man, this thing has been fucking full on. I’m not really talking about the changes to brain function like derealisation et al., but more the changes in outlook this thing has caused. Even if I woke up tomorrow with the exact same body with the one I had before all this, I’d still feel fucking defeated and broken. If I’m being honest even coming here feels sort of humiliating, even though it’s really the only place I can go where people can understand.
I just feel like a cripple, not just physically but mentally. I used to be so strong but now I feel so weak and despondent all the time. I saw someone else here say it’s like coming home from war and honestly it feels like that in a sense. I feel like I’ve gone through so much trauma and awful shit that there’s just no way to go back to my old self even if I wanted to.
I’m just so angry and helpless all the time. I curse God or Merck or whoever else I can blame for this every single day. I hate them for doing this to me. I feel like my old life has been denied to me and now I have to pick up the pieces of this stupid, broken self.
How is this fair? How can shit like this happen? I sometimes think “well people die in car crashes all the time so at least that didn’t happen to you” but in some sense I feel like I’d have preferred that since at least I wouldn’t have to suffer through this mind-fuck of an experience.
I just want to forget this ever happened every single day. I’ve already been through hell before this so I thought I was going to get some respite but no, apparently I have to suffer even more. I don’t know who the fuck I am any more. I don’t know what I want. I just don’t care about things like I used to. Even the stuff I used to love, like sex, movies, going out with friends, etc. This experience has made me bitter and sour and hateful when before I used to be so full of life.
Fuck all this. No one, no one at all, not even serial killers should go through this. I’ve been pushed to limits that go beyond the suffering most people can think about and now I’m left feeling shattered. The universe feels cruel and stupid when I used to find so much joy and pleasure out of it.
Anyway, rant over. Maybe this is a heavy topic but I need to get this out or else I’ll go crazy. Just fuck it all. Fuck it, seriously.