I’m not 100% certain on this, but I don’t think I’ll be posting here much anymore unless I have a significant change in my condition. I may make some other posts to try and sort some things out or to ask questions but my story is now on-hold.
My goal here the whole time was to give hope and show new members that recovery is possible. I think I’ve done that and want to summarize my advice for everyone in this last post.
I can’t stress how bad things were for me from the start. Some have been experiencing this for years, some are just experiencing it now. It feels like you can’t live a single day like this, much less a full life. I feel this way even now, but to a much lesser degree than before. You can see all my symptoms above, I had basically every symptom you can have except muscle wasting, gyno, shrunken testes, and maybe a few others. My worst were complete impotence, severe anhedonia, bottomless depression, Akathisia, anxiety so bad I thought about suicide every second. I experienced all of this daily for months and somehow pushed through. Just know that you can improve if you somehow find the strength to make it.
Before my latest crash I was doing fantastic. I had roughly 75-85% mental recovery each evening and sometimes rarely to 90-100%. I was scheduling video game times with friends, I was starting to leave the house again regularly, I was having sex 10-15 times per month unassisted with true libido. I was sleeping 5-7 hours per night broken but restorative. Still I thought that death might not be so bad almost daily due to my intensely bad mornings. Mornings had complete anhedonia and terrible Akathisia/anxiety from the moment I woke up until around 6PM. I was still improving too.
I did not realize how far I had come, so I think it’s important for you to take stock every now and then and write down where you are compared to where you were. Don’t evaluate changes on a daily basis. Improvements come slowly, monthly maybe, or even quarterly. Keeping a daily log helped me, I would recommend this way you can look back monthly and see long term improvements. I used a spreadsheet that I could quickly fill in each morning and night.
I recommend making a very regimented schedule to get through the tough times, you won’t be able to do anything more than go through the motions. Try to consume your day with things to keep you busy every minute. Same every day, simplify your life. For me this included diet as I didn’t want to even think about what to eat and whether it would crash me. I went with carnivore diet. I think it’s a good choice.
Notice the small things that are improvements. Immediately before my crash I didn’t notice these things until they were gone. I was uncontrollably craving snacks at night like I used to. I loved to munch at night while I play games before. I was getting full spontaneous erections at night just lying down reading. I was on a basic level, looking forward to some things each day/week even in my bad anhedonia phases. I still had a basic looking forward to schedule a game with my friends as I knew at some point my anhedonia would break each day. I was starting to laugh on a much more regular basis again. My paranoia about what things would crash me or had me almost disappeared, this one would prove to be my downfall I suppose though.
Recalibrate your life expectations for a bit. Based on my timeline I would say at least for a year. I used to crave video games, shows, books, painting and board games. They were my life and I consumed them. If I wasn’t making progress in one of my games/shows, reading a book from my backlog, or covering my painting backlog, I felt I was wasting time. I wanted to so badly get back to that, but it was not what was important. Throughout this I found so much more joy in life. I have never spent so much time with my wife and children and never spent so much time doing simple activities like taking walks, running, and going to parks. I grew to truly find joy in these simple things, whereas previously I would frequently see these things as something to do so I could get back to my passions. Your life will be waiting on you when you get better, take your time. Enjoy what you can in the meantime on your journey to getting better. Enjoy the sun on your skin, the wind in a breeze, it may not be possible at the start, but it can come over time.
Most importantly, take stock of what you have and know that I can always be worse. Appreciate what you have. Only sexual symptoms? Count yourself lucky you don’t have the mental sides. Trust me, they’re worse, MUCH worse. Full onslaught of mental sides? Be glad if you’re not bedridden. You will feel so badly you will want to do anything to feel better. Don’t fall into this trap, you will likely get better with time and there is likely nothing you can do, no supplement you can take that will immediately cure you. It’s more important to make sure you DON’T GET WORSE. Don’t take anything remotely risky. If you can avoid that, you have a chance to improve.
Find a good support group, talk to those that care about you. Be with that support group as much as possible.
Make a plan and execute. Try not to waste endless hours on the forums researching, if there was something there to help you, someone would’ve found it by now. I still fall into this trap all the time, even now. Don’t get me wrong, it is a great source of information and you should initially read a lot. Do your initial research CAREFULLY, learn what pitfalls to avoid. Then make your plan and get to it. Don’t constantly test your erections, just to test. Just let it come.
I will end this by giving you what my plan ended up being, and what my plan is now to try and get better for a second time.
General:
- Very regular regimented schedule.
- Focus on meditation to lower anxiety.
- TRY not to dwell on mistakes and bad situation.
- Reduce stress as much as possible
- As much sun as possible, outdoors time
- Simplify my life.
- Take full advantage of any upswings
Sleep:
- Sleep from midnight to 12:30, wake up 6-8AM
- Take 0.3mg time release melatonin for a few months to reset clock.
- Take magnesium glycinate and glycine as needed to assist. Try to take rarely and ween off once no longer needed.
- Use white noise and blackout mask as needed.
- normal good sleep hygiene practices.
Diet:
- Carnivore diet for 3-4 months to stabilize
- Reintroduce carbs slowly starting with healthy options such as vegetables and quinoa. Slowly add fruits thereafter.
- Regimented eating and drinking habits, make it simple.
- No refined sugar, alcohol or caffeine. Only decaf coffee in the morning.
Exercise:
- Primarily endurance exercise. Running in sun with shirt off. 5-8 miles per day.
- May cycle with lifting as before. Thought is to push and pull testosterone with exercise. Lower it using endurance training then raise it with lifting in cycles.
- Go on many long walks.
Supplements:
- Vitamin D 2000 IU daily
- Probiotic daily. Psychibiotic strain L. Plantarum in particular.
- Sugar free electrolyte water mix to replenish what I lose from sweat, etc.
Misc:
- Play a video game every night and read one chapter of a book I would used to enjoy.
- Watch comedy at night with wife to try and relax.
- Listen to things I would enjoy previously while running. Mainly comedy and fantasy football.
- Sometimes cold showers for distraction as needed.
Good luck everyone. I hope I do come back eventually with a recovery story or at least great improvement, but crashing myself this second time has really defeated me. I may still be on the forums trying to figure out what happened, or to make a future plan to seek treatment of symptoms if I decide that I’ve had enough and I am ready to risk it all for some relief. For the most part now, it’s time for me to try and take my own advice for a few months.
I hope the research yields results. May we all be better someday.
