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Thank you Mew, appreciated.
Well guys I’m writing this last message I spiral into depression and pain
I’m been sectioned to a mental hospital today so won’t be here or around for a while due to my suicidal state of mind.
Thanks for all your help.
Paul
Hi all
Well I’ve nearly done a week in the nut house with no medication thus far except for Zopiclone to help me sleep.
I still continute to lose weight and muscle as well as noticing my moles are literally disappearing including large miles on my neck and back
My skin in extremely thin and wrinkled all over my body.
I’m still suicidal, no drive or interest in anything, had a brain scan and EEG and get results Wednesday then I’ll probably start in the anti depressants!!!
Feel dizzy, blurred vision and a loss of reality.
Impotent still, stomach pains too.
Can’t see any turnaround !!!
Good to hear your update
I haven’t a clue what could be happening with regards to your moles.
Have you just become aware of the thin, wrinkled skin? How does it manifest itself?
Have the doctors given any feedback at all, or are they looking at it from a purely psychiatric standpoint?
Hang in there.
I have been through everything that you are going through minus the mental hospital, as I got myself out of the suicidal feelings that I was having. I feel for you as I have been to the top doctors in this country and they think I am crazy which does not help. I hope you get the help you need, I am in a much stable condition now, if you need any support please mail me.
Hi Guys
Thank you for taking the time to read my update and for all your words of support.
Thought I would describe my life as it currently remains starting 10pm daily
10pm: staff at my mental home come to my room with my anti depressant medication (Remeron) - made by MERCK!!! The staff here are clueless, they first had me on sertraline (SSRI) which made my stomach pain just above my pubic bone unbearable which has since subsided in discontinuing and starting Remeron.
10.05pm: login to this forum and read any updated posts in hope of some good news from any member with regards treatment or they’re recovery
10.45pm slowly start to feel some sedative effect from the Remeron.
11.30pm try to go to sleep naturally with no sleeping pill (zopiclone)
Give it an hour and if I cannot sleep then it’s off to the desk to ask for a sleeper.
Last night I managed to do without a sleeper and got about 5 hours natural sleep which was fantastic, be sues for the past 2 months I’ve only managed about 2 hours with no sleeping pills
So off to sleep I go.
8am: this morning I began to awake in between the state if sleep and consciousness and with my eyes still closed, subconsciously I begin to see images of myself falling from a tall bridge and then 15 seconds later I see myself hanging from a wardrobe!!! What the fuck!!!
I open my eyes and wish I was still sleeping as the reality sets in that its going to be another uphill battle to survive another day in my existence in my zombied state in the mental home, having slept the night with NO ERECTIONS and NO MORNING WOOD.
I lay in my bed, constantly asking myself how I ended up here. With fogged thoughts of suicide, reality and how to cope with the day ahead.
I laze in bed with no thought of anything really just mush. I have zero emotions at all.
0900am: this is when the fun starts, my all over body muscle twitches take place and burning hot sensation in my anus (prostate pain), tripled with a weird spasm sensation in my perineum and down the bridge of my nose??? I then scratch the ever forming dry skin from outside of my nostrils and both eyebrows, begin to question what day of the week it is, glance at my hand and see that my skin it so thin and wrinkled
11am - finally decide to get out of bed and have to actually tell myself I should go and urinate as I have total loss of connectivity from brain to penis or bladder. I look down whilst holding my shrinking wrinkled penis with enlarged vein on the right hand side if it as my penis now curves to the left. The meatus of my penis is wrinkled with a red rash and red blotches in it as it has been since my crash 4 months ago. I finish urinating or so I think until I decide to sit on my bed to put my socks on when I feel a stream of urine squirt out if my penis as I sit in the bed, wetting my fresh pants.
12pm - lunchtime, I grab a sandwich from the trolley whilst some other patient starts speaking to me about some nonsense that makes no sense due to they’re fucked up mental state. Instead if sitting in the dining hall with the other mental health patients, I decide to take my sandwich back to my room as I have the oncoming of an anxiety/panic attack.
I eat my sandwich in my room then await the daily visit of my younger brother.
12.30pm in my room I begin to feel very depressed and tears start to roll down my face for no apparent reason except for feelings of hopelessness and confusion.
1pm: my brother of 5 years younger arrives. I’m pleased to see him. I love him very much. He asks me how I’m feelings and I tell him I’m not too bad, just to keep his spirits up. I look at my brother as he begins to tell me about his ‘normal’ life with his partner and son. I look at him with such envy before I start to concentrate on saying something normal to him to stimulate conversation, I repeat myself saying Erm… Erm and then manage to get a sentence out. I have periods of anxiety, combined with total confusion,brain fog and again asking myself what day it is. My brother tells me it’s a nice day outside and should we take a walk, I decline due to my anxiety issues and remain in my room like a recluse
2pm: brother leaves to go back to his normal life. I watch him leave with a spring in his step and male mojo with everything to live for. I sit on my bed and meds around on my phone on the web whilst feeling a hot radiating sensation inside my anus with muscle spasms to boot.
3.30pm: I ask staff if I can go outside within the hospital grounds to go for a run. They ask about my suicidal state, I tell them I’m fine… Far from fine. I put on my MP3 player and play the same song on repeat over and over as I run, trying to forget my troubles. Whilst I run my mind drifts towards visions of suicide but I try to focus purely on my run instead if looking at any talk building with the prospect of jumping from it. I push myself hard as I can during my 25 minute run in an attempt to raise my ever depleting testosterone level (6.9nmol). Now it back to my room in the mental home.
Once in my room I have to remind myself to drink some water as I have no natural ability for thirst, hunger, taste or need to urinate. With no thought of masturbation or of women in general.
4pm - make a phone call to my children who I try to express and interest in what they have been doing, kind of going through a robotic motion whilst also having heart felt feelings of love and guilt toward them, guilt because I put myself in this situation because of my vanity when they should be spending time with they’re daddy. As the phone call ends my kids tell me… I LOVE YOU DADDY. I feel myself becoming teary again. my eldest boy (8) asks when he will see me again and i have to lie in my reply and tell him, it will be once I’ve finished on my training course!!! I then end the call and begin to feel sadness and reflect on how my life use to be so different only 4 months ago, I would be doing the school runs and been a real dad to my kids.
5pm: evening meal time. I grab my food from the trolley and back to my room with it. I eat what I’m given for the sake of eating because I know I have to.
6pm: by this time of the day I begin to forget most things as my mind get lost into a deep fogged confused state. I begin having most of my dizzy spells and blurred vision around this time of the day too.
6.15pm: visitors start to arrive, I see many of the patients hugging and kissing they’re loved ones as I try to remember what that felt like.
My Father arrives and I barely recognise him. He tells me about his day at work which sounds so ordinary but all things I took for granted before this hell. During the visit my Father yawns several times, probably because of the lack of general conversation as I feel totally energy less and brain dead. As I watch him yawn, I wish I too felt naturally tired!!! Cannot tell you the last time I yawned.
My Father asks me what I had for lunch and I genuinely cannot even remember!!!
I try to explain my symptoms to my Dad who struggled to comprehend but believes in me, having seen this site and PFS foundations too.
8pm: my Father leaves saying… Bye, I love you Son. I repeat the same back with no love or emotion.
8.15pm: force myself to go on another 20 minute run. Same routine as before.
9pm: force myself to get a shower as I don’t even want to undress. Exposing my shrunken penis and low stretched, Empty hanging testicles which feel numb whilst washing.
10pm: medication time, then try to sleep ready for another day of the same tomorrow.
Thank for taking the time to read this and sorry if you felt it was too long. My hope and aim is to show people my transformation within 4 months
Who knows when I will get out this mental home. Funny thing is, I have no desire to, I don’t even feel like I want to!!! Why??? What’s going on with me?
PS: even whilst running in the midday sun I feel no sensation to warm temperatures anymore.
Bowel Movements
Generally I take a crap every other day.
On the days I take a crap I tend to feel better which is weird.
Could this be because my waste is pressing against my shrunken prostate causing me some slight arousal or feeling of improvement?
During bowel movements, my penis still shrivels up and take on the appearance of an hour glass shape and my testicles become very tight.
Update On List Of Symptoms 4 Months After Quitting
-
Insomnia improving so far. Last 3 nights I’ve slept without the aid of a sleeping pill, just 15mg of Remeron which does have a slight sedative effect.
-
Still cannot achieve an erection myself, woke up with slight half erection this morning, first time in months.
-
Skin nodules/hives on hands and very dry wrinkled skin on hands.
Skin dry on sides of nostrils and eyebrow, very severe. -
Depression/suicidal thoughts - changes daily, yesterday I woke with images of suicidal acts, vision of me hanging and falling from tall buildings. Today is a better day with non of those thoughts.
-
Muscle twitches and anus spasms persist from the moment I wake until I fall asleep as well as a warm radiating sensation inside my anus/prostate
-
Fatigue - feel very tired and lathargic from 4pm onwards when my mental clarity becomes unbearable, forgetful, confused, brain fogged.
-
Exercise - I run for 20-25 minutes twice daily and find it harder on my second run around 8pm
-
Bloods - getting checked again in two days time. My testosterone level was 6.9nmol two weeks ago
Leaving me considering options if Clomid or TRT if diagnosed with hypogonadism. -
Penis/testicles - Penis is still shrunken/thinned/longer/less width with a red looking rash on the meatus that appears permanent as well as wrinkled but seems to have stabilised for good I hope. My testicles remain large, hang low but very light and empty feeling. Penis, testicles and anus totally numb. Penis still hangs to the left with enlarged vein on right side of penis!!!
-
Still have no appetite, reduced sense of taste and smell with no natural thirst.
-
Libido - 2/10
-
Weight - lost 1.5 stone in 6 weeks and mostly all muscle loss!!!
-
Urination/bowel movements - After finishing urinating, I still leak urine for upto 2-3 minutes after naturally finishing which I find very annoying. During bowel movements my penis becomes shaped like an hour glass and my balls become very tight and begin to tingle.
-
Hearing and Vision - my hearing is very acute and the slightest noise awakes me like I can hear a pin drop. My vision is also disturbed and is worse in certain light a different times of the day. I would describe it as blurred and with a need to squint to make things appear more clearly
-
Enjoyment - still have no enjoyment in music, movies or sport like I use to. My only interest is running. Don’t even think about beer no more which I use to love whilst socialising with friends and family.
-
Flat mood - cannot feel emotion towards my loved ones.
Thinks that’s about me, sure I could add more to the list of symptoms and side effects propecia has causes me.
11/08/13
Woke with slight suicidal thoughts
Muscles twitches, dizzy, pain in prostate including spasms still too.
Feel very cold today as well
12/08/13
Slept again with no sleeping pill but was very disturbed sleep.
Woke at 8am and on waking about, my vision is still blurred and I feel generally weak.
Still no natural thirst or hunger!!!
All other symptoms persist.
13/08/13
Couldn’t sleep last night
Needed to take a sleeping pill, had shooting Pains in my penis and pain inside anus.
Woke this morning very very cold, body temp checked 35.3 degrees
Started having shooting pains in my penis again.
The glands on the tip of my penis are pale coloured and looks as though the skin is dying.
My penis is much thinner but longer in flaccid state and much shorter when I’ve managed an erection.
I feel so weak, dizzy and blurred vision.
I can’t go on like this for much longer. This is too much.
I’m sure the lack of DHT is responsible for my shooting pains in my penis and shape changes.
Does anybody care to respond to your thoughts and why I have NO THIRST
Temperature taken again due to severe shivering
Body temp was 34.7 degrees which staff at the hospital tell me is all fine?
I thought normal body temp was 37?
So I would suggest 34.7 is not fine.
Never mind, another day in hell
What could be causing my low body temp and how serious is it?
Hi mate,
When testosterone is as low as yours, a man’s body will obviously be ravished. I honestly believe that many of the symptoms you describe are your body’s response to your hormone levels and the hopeless state of mind you are in (understandable). When I lose hope and feel depressed for a prolonged period, I find that my symptoms get much worse and I feel like I’m dying (if that makes sense to you). I think there is an unfortunate feedback between your “happiness levels” and hormones.
Good luck!
J
Tiger, try a sublingual B12 (methylcobalamin or hydroxycobalamin) up to 1mg (1000mcg).
Hi Guys
Thanks for your replies
Bluejays…
What affect will these have?
It helped me out mentally. Didn’t feel as tired, slept better and deeper. Helped my mood and I think it got me thinking clearer and quicker.
I think it has a chance to help you out a little, anyways.
Thanks Bluejay
I may give that a try at some point but my biggest concern right now is around restoring or raising my testosterone level.
Update:
Yesterday my father collected me from
The mental home to take me on an hours drive to see a Low Testosterone specialist in Doncaster and for those of you Uk members his contact details are as follows…
Doctor Douglas Savage
Leger Clinic
77 Thorne Road
Doncaster
DN1 2ET
Tel: 01302 346988 or 07768 111001
Doctor Savage is a highly rated sexual medicine expert doctor who specialises in Low Testosterone as well as having a wealth and understanding of PFS and sits on many boards around the globe with Doctor Irwig and other Doctors mentioned on this forum.
Although he only claimed to have treated a handful of men in the Uk with PFS, he is well aware of it and that in itself have me some reassurance.
Yes I had to pay a couple of hundred pounds of my own money to see him and discuss my PFS and be told me I was the worst case he had seen. (Not so good news)
During the 1 hour consultation we discussed everything and me and my father found him very helpful, knowledgable, with a need to want to help me ASAP.
He mentioned that many men in the Uk with low T will only be offered Testostetone gels or injections which we all know shuts down your body’s own T production.
He confirmed that my last 3 T levels of 6.9 nmol, 9.9 nmol and latest 8.1 nmol were all ridiculously LOW.
He was fully honest and said his treatment option may not cure my PFS, which I was fully aware if but may treat some of my symptoms, such as
Low T
Fatigue
Loss of muscle mass
Cognitive function / memory recall / brain fog etc
Low mood / depression to and extent
Plus other generalised improvements
He could not guarantee a full recovery which I am not expecting.
Any way, his treatment option is nothing new to any of us here and I know many will shoot me down in flames for what I am about to write because I’m like member (Deadballs) feel like I’m at the end of the road now and want to try something with my primary achievement of raising my T level and nothing else. Anything else will be a bonus.
He prescribed me 50mg of Clomid to take every other day to see how things go with a view to taking it initially for 4 weeks and if successful for up to one year and take it from there.
This is with no AI.
I’m not expecting miracles but likewise it is not healthy for any man to live with T levels below 10 nmol so tell me my other options!!! Don’t want to sign up to TRT for life.
He told me clomid can take up to 4 weeks to see any positive affect so I’m guessing time will tell.
He also told me Low T can also affect loss of muscle and have an effect in penis/testicle size which he believes in terms of shrinkage and tissue changed is reversible to a degree. I’m hoping for my penis to feel fuller and less thinner and better healthy appearance.
I’ll make a thread about how things go once I start my treatment.
I have to over come another obsticle yet though…
My mental home will not allow me to take the Clomid from Doctor Savage because they say it could be any drug in the box I brought back to the hospital and secondly because its only prescribed in the Uk for use in women so they are having a meeting about it all tomorrow!
I would encourage any Uk PFS sufferers to contact Doctor Savage to see if he can offer or help you in any way too.
16/08/13
Today the pulsating affect down the sides of both my nostrils where my dry skin is most persist, is almost driving me crazy!!!
It’s like a constant unvoluntary pulse in the creases of where my nostrils join my face on both sides and my skin is very very dry with some in my eyebrows too.