I haven’t posted publicly on the forum for over a month due to posting over stressed responses on here and also in other PFS groups. I am embarrassed and ashamed of this behavior. I would like to sincerely apologise to all those who were upset by my actions. I am not a bad person and have tried to help others in the past with this condition. However, my latest crash has ramped up my stress to severe levels that have led me to become overly emotional. I can only look back at the person I once was and know this behaviour is completely out of character.
I found myself posting things in the heat of the moment then looking back 24 hours later with regret. I was then going back and changing or deleting comments were possible and thinking I’m going crazy. I wanted to post this apology a month ago but used the excuse that I have PFS and people will understand. Despite having PFS and having experienced the most awful crash I want to own up to my mistakes.
The best advice I can offer is to face up to the things that cause you shame or embarrassment and release them. These are the things you should run towards and fix if you want to get better rather than lie to yourself that everything will be ok. The best people in your life will understand and the ones who don’t probably aren’t worth knowing. You may only learn who these people are by saying something rather than letting your mind create negative answers that rule your decisions.
About a month ago my symptoms started to improve. I gained weight, my penis regained almost full size, and erections improved, tremors, headaches and twitches all went. I thought I was turning a corner, as this was the most varied improvement I have made in the past 8 months. A week ago things have now worsened and my resting heart rate has jumped from 65 to 75 for no reason. My heart is beating a lot more and my sleep is down to 1-2 hours or none at all. I simply can’t function and have become trapped at home most days.
I spent Boxing Day in the accident and emergency unit for 7 hours due to my erratic heartbeat.
It seems that I am becoming more sensitive to stress and it is raising my heart rate. Doctors tell me they can provide medication such as calcium or beta blockers but these interact with 5ar or testosterone and I fear they will do more harm than good. No Dr I’ve seen believes in PFS and does not understand the seriousness of taking these types of medications in my position.
It leaves my thinking only the worst for the future and that I would be better off going by my own hand rather than in a hospital by bundling doctors who see me as just a number. I think in the US medical errors are the third biggest killer of people so my concerns feel justified. I’m not sure were I go from here but some days it feels like the walls are closing in. I know this condition has its ups and downs but some of my more serious symptoms seem progressive. If I don’t make it through this at some point I want you guys to know I tried and gave it my best shot.
Love and best wishes to all