4 month after my initial crash I feel demotivated and tiered of live.
It is not fatigue, it is a depressed and ultimative weak feeling as a dead animal or three heavy weight carpets lay on me. I feel weight presses my head down.
There is no more masculin aggression against someone or to do something anymore.
It is not the brainfog but reallity seems so far away. I look at my own living room or outside in my garden and it seems to be total unreal and so far away.
My neighbors and all the people in my little hometown seem to be strangers, living in another world.
That I dont live with my fiancee, that I have no sexual activity anymore, seems to be unreal. That I have ED and because of this ugly pills my live changed so dramatically it seems like a nice movie got out of control. A whole live got out of control.
I have pfs now, I loose muscle mass at my calves, my arms, my neck, I’m afraid once cannot keep up my head anymore. Muscle wastage I can feel like a monster, now sitting in my neck. It id a cold and tingeling feeling. And I know it makes me weaker in this area.
Every day I have the fear:“What comes next?”
I liked my long walking tours and bicycle rides. Now I make a little walk as a very old man. I’m afraid to loose countenance on the bicycle. I’m a member in a gym but I’m afraid to go there.
I feel weaker and weaker. I cannot manage my live by myself anymore. I have no one.
For my Ex I think I’m a kind of a strange zombie, altered by this syndrom to something she wants to get far out of her reality and memory. Other guys here lost their fiancee’s too.
The old friends stay with me, some of them understand how bad is our state of live.
Some take about to end up their lives, some did it. I dont want to do that, but I need some Drive some motivation.
Some days ago I swere to get off the forum for a while, but there is no one I can talk to, how bad I feel myself.
