Does anyone else deal with extreme cynicism?
This is especially the case for me in a professional/corporate context. I’ll listen to people talk about various details and issues, and in my mind I’ll constantly be thinking “who gives a fuck”. For example, I had a call with a client today who is part of a multinational bank and she went on about compliance issues and other mundane details which are ultimately completely trivial in the grand scheme of things.
Normally I’d just view such things as part and parcel of life and wouldn’t think much of it all. But in my current state I find myself viewing the mundane and banal bullshit of the corporate world, in particular, with complete contempt. I can’t help but view these corporations as sociopathic entities that in a sense remind me directly of Merck. Cold, impersonal, and focused purely on a myopic sterile view of life. Without the normal hormonal and chemical processes granting a sense of reward and stimulus for performing the dance, it all seems incredibly vacuous and meaningless.
Whenever small deals are bogged down in the mundane and pointless bureaucratic bullshit of the corporate world I can’t help but think “why isn’t this level of nit-picking scrutiny applied to endocrine destroying drugs which were inspired by genetically flawed pseudo hermaphrodites and have murdered hundreds of healthy men” and it all infuriates me further.
I used to be hyper motivated but now I look at these situations from a profoundly negative and cynical lens.
The same is true of many friendships, at a certain point there’s just nothing else to be said. What do we fundamentally have in common now? I can’t look forward to anything or partake in any hobbies.
I find it deeply disturbing that the human experience is contingent on certain cells responding in the correct way to hormones and fluids within the body. I’ve never been a religious person or one who believes in a soul, but to be confronted with such a completely materialist view of the world doesn’t sit well with me. Now knowing that my ability to love someone is contingent on hormones being processed by cells and tissues in my body.
I also can’t help but feel disgust for the issues which receive attention in society. I routinely come across posts and articles about substance addiction and I feel a certain revulsion now. The fact that we’re condemned to unending torture for having taken a few pills which are marketed as safe and given by doctors, and receive 0 outside support, yet those who knowingly abuse substances they are repeatedly told are harmful receive support and compassion and are able to get back on their feet after a short period of time. It profoundly alienates me.
Apologies for the very negative post.
I am however grateful for my girlfriend, who despite everything has supported me consistently and hasn’t faltered. She, my family and certain friends make my view a bit brighter.