Thanks for the update Cap. Good to see so many positive improvements.
As for me, I’m in month 9 and see an overall improvement in quality of life, but it’s a bumpy ride and my sides come and go.
Stay strong.
From what I understand the road to recovery is definitely a rollercoaster. The past week or two has made me very optimistic about making a full recovery. For the first time since this whole experience began, I’ve actually had moments where I’ve thought “of course I’m going to get better, just need to wait” which sounds simple but is really profound to feel. I think my recent progress might be petering off now, but I know that the recovery journey is good days followed by longer periods of shitty ones, until that reverses itself. If I’m getting these periods of improvements at all, that tells me my body is slowly sorting itself out. I just wish it would hurry up! lol. If you’re seeing things improve, however slowly, that means you’re on the uphill climb as well. That’s good! It’ll just take time to get to the top.
Oh, and I’m not going to go into much detail but the other day I had an experience where I achieved a hands free erection and maintained it for an hour or two. I was pretty stoked about that. The past few days I was DYING to get it on with the gf as well, but she didn’t have to time to come over so I finally just rubbed one out earlier. I kind of regret that. I need to get better about laying off the fap, but it’s been 4ish days since the last one so hopefully that doesn’t fuck me up too much. Anyway, even if my feeling of heading into a low period is correct, I know it’ll only be a matter of time until I have another high period, and eventually that will reverse so that good times are all I have! I had 4-5 months of being totally fucked, then this month I had sex at the start, then a low period in the middle, then a high period at the end with hands free erections all over the place and some libido. So it seems like it’s already becoming more frequent. I really, really, really hope that continues! (knock on wood)
Stay strong!
EDIT: Ok, one more thing. I literally just finished a fap shortly before writing up this post. Shortly after posting it, I thought about getting with this girl that has been hitting on me a lot (wouldn’t do it, have a gf, but no harm in fantasizing) and I slowly got maybe a 40-50% strength hands free erection. Not hard enough to be usable, but also directly after an orgasm and without any physical stimulation. That has to be a good sign.
I think u are gonna see a slow upwards trend then back down, then up a little, then back down, then up a little more, then down again. I literally had my best stretch from feb to mid march, actually at my most improved moment, that night had trouble sleeping…and boomed, smaller penis, not much interst in sex, numb penis, colder body temp, hopeless feeling…but it’s a little upward again
That’s a bummer. For a second I was thinking you may actually be out of the woods. But after the recent stretch it sounds like you’ll definitely make it with time.
It’s tough to say. There is no doubt that I am improving somewhat. Months ago I would have stretches of days that I couldn’t feel an orgasm and had no I interst in sex, after this last mini one I still feel my orgasms just not as powerful and I still maintain even minor interst in porn/sex. It’s crazy bc I was feeling so good and positive. The mini crash lasted like a week, it’s funny bc people at work comment that I’m more quiet and not as sexual as when I’m in an upward swing. Read CHi’s post, he said first year was “horrific” and he made major strides in the following year. He mentions a bunch of stuff he did or took but I think we all know the X factor seems to be time. Also it’s undeniable when the hair sheds and itches, improvements happen
So it increased your baseline, which is good. Before long you should have another period of awesome days, then fall back down but to a higher baseline. I agree, time is really the major player. That’s why tenure and time off the drug as they relate to recovery are wildly different for everyone. It boils down to how well the individual’s body tolerated being destroyed by Fin over however long and how efficiently it can sort itself out afterward. I also think getting lots of quality sleep is very, very important, perhaps the most important thing in recovery. That’s all my opinion, anyway.
The following is from a couple different posts from guy that recovered after 2.5ish years. I read it like gospel when I have shitty days. Maybe it will help someone else.
I’m doing everything I can to stay positive, but it’s definitely very difficult sometimes. I think my recent improvements, while temporary, are a very good sign of my eventual recovery. I just hope it doesn’t take years and years. I can feel myself kind of slipping into that negative space of “I shouldn’t even be in this mess, I’m so stupid, etc” but at least these days it feels less like it has total control over me and there’s nothing I can do. While it’s always in the back of my mind, it’s much easier to just try to think about something else or distract myself. That helps a lot. I let my diet and workout routine go to shit over the past 2-3 weeks, half because of my shitty period in the middle of the month where I didn’t care and then because I was feeling awesome the latter half of the month. It’s certainly possible any positive changes were because of those things, so I should get that back on track. Also, PFS aside, they make me feel and look pretty good so it’s probably smart to keep it up for those reasons alone. I also may be forced into a fast here in the next week or so due to lack of money for food (haven’t gotten paid yet at new job). I’ll report back if it has any positive benefits. I’m also excited to get my bloodwork done finally when I see that naturopath. I doubt it’ll tell me much, but maybe I’ll have some obvious outlier that I can throw something at. One dude in the recovery forum had high estrogen, treated it with arimidex or whatever, then his hormones balanced themselves out over a few months. (here’s the thread if you want to check it out: viewtopic.php?f=22&t=941 )
Anyway, here’s hoping the upward trend continues, for all of us. 
Yup, in my 11 months so far I can relate to this. My low baselines have definitely improved. Don’t get me wrong the downward swings suck but each one seems to be less encompassing in terms of over all side effects.
One thing I really don’t feel is a factor is sleep. I definitely have correlated my downward spikes with horrible sleep the previous night or two but I feel it’s a result of the hormonal cascade and not the cause. When we are improving our sleep is naturally a little better bc whatever is going on is on an upward spike. It’s kind of like saying our libido improves when we look at porn…no, when we want to look at porn and look at it it’s because our libido is improved. Just some food for thought
I’m not saying getting more sleep helps you get better sleep. I’m saying if you have sleep issues and can work them out, that’s going to translate into more progress in other symptoms. If your sleep is messed up, your body isn’t going to heal itself anywhere near as fast as if you were sleeping well (read about melatonin, and I think T is only produced during sleep, could be wrong on that one tho). So you want to fix that first and foremost if possible because that is when your body does the brunt of its healing. That’s my view, anyway.
Things have been rough lately. I had a post written up, but then I felt like… I dunno. What’s the point. I have infinite respect for those of you who have been fighting for years. I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how I’ll do it. Anyway, instead here are some excerpts from a post I found by someone who recovered. They’ve helped me cope to an extent. Maybe they can help some of you as well.
Keep fighting bru - just remember who you were and continue wanting the same things you wanted then.
It will definitely get better. This is much worse than anything else
you’ll ever have to deal with. With all our accrued karma we’re in for a hell of a good run from now on!
It’s difficult when I don’t feel like me. I feel like I’m piloting the shell that used to be me, just going through the motions of life because that’s just what you do. It’s literally like I was person X up until I stupidly took Fin, now I’m person Y and person X is dead. I feel bad complaining when I don’t have it as bad or for as long as others on here, but it has still destroyed my life. It’s been very difficult for me to get past the regret as well.
I’ve had this feeling lately like I want this to be over. Obviously I’ve wanted this to be over since it started, but this is like an urgent, panicked “I really need this to stop” feeling. It’s hard to deal with. I’ve been having pretty wild mood swings lately so I doubt that’s helping.
I hope I get there.
I know exactly what you mean. There was a period where i honestly felt like there was no point and that going to work was just a distraction from my issues. Despite how hard I’d worked over the years to get to where I was I could have lost it all and barely cared.
You’ll get there mate. This thing attacks the very essence of self. It’s odd, after suffering through this you see how we really are just a bag of meat and chemicals, and how your whole consciousness is extremely fragile. When you say “soulless” I came to the conclusion that such a radical change in myself couldn’t have pccured if I retained any sort of ongoing essence.
It won’t all rush back at once, but you’ll slowly begin to enjoy things again. As I emerged out of the anhodenia I got addicted to Far Cry 3 and would spend hours after work playing it. This showed me I could get excited about things again.
I’m constantly amazed out how strong the people on this forum are, coming as they do from all sorts of different times in their life and family situations. If I didn’t have wonderful parents and sister then I could have never have gotten through this.
I’ve been depressed before and this was SO much worse than that. I can’t remember anything anyone said really making me feel better during the depressions, but be sure you will get over the feelings of hopelessness. Your brain is an amazing organ and will eventually right itself.
Do anything you can to give you comfort and go easy on yourself. For the next few months you may not be up to your usual high standards, but stay the course and things will work out. You have 50+ years to fix up anything that goes wrong or to fix up the pieces. Once you’re well think how awesome a person you’ll be.
Stay strong.
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Thanks man
In other news, lately my balls have been hanging a bit closer to my body and are more firm. It sounds stupid, but I don’t remember how they’re supposed to be, so I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Usually they hang about as low as they can go and are really squishy, though they’ve always retracted when exposed to cold.
Dude, hang in there! The mood swings are the worst. One thing that has often helped my mood turn around is getting some sun, or a brisk walk in the sun. Sometimes even 20 minutes at the gym has helped me break out of a depression- at least temporarily until the “phase” ended. Sometimes herbal teas would help if the issue was anxiety. You’ll cycle back up again sooner than you think.
Yeah, the other day I had WILD mood swings. It was strange because I haven’t really experienced that before other than just being really depressed about the situation. I woke up feeling fairly normal, then sunk into a deep depression, then felt a little better, then went to lunch and got REALLY angry. Like I was hoping someone would say something to me so I could beat them half to death, which is really weird for me. I’m not an angry person at all and I’ve never gotten into a fight or had any desire to. Then I came back to work and felt okay, then sad again though not as bad, then fairly fine for the rest of the day. It was really strange. It’s interesting how these things we consider intangible forces of nature, like emotions or love or hope or whatever, are just different chemicals shifting around in our body.
Friday was really rough. I was crying all afternoon at work. Afterward I cried in my car for a while, then stood at the edge of the top of the parking structure at work and thought about some bad stuff. Instead of staying by myself I stayed with family for the weekend. That helped a lot. I hope I can put all this behind me soon. Chi’s story recently has given me a lot of hope.
ugh that’s rough bru. I moved home with my parents for a while and that was the best decision i made. Maybe (if the option is available) you could go and stay with family for a bit? Nothing like having your support network right there (also saving a bit of cash and eating home cooked food every night wasn’t bad either).
Once you’re feeling emotionally stable will be much easier to move out. My pride kept me from doing it for a bit and it made things a fair bit worse in a few respects.
We both know these periods don’t last. Hope you’re feeling better now.
A few months ago I was standing on some train station having the same nasty thoughts you were having. This weekend I hooked up with two amazing girls (not at once unfortunately) and life couldn’t be better. Just remember this is all temporary and as they say, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Cap, sometime else I forgot to mention which can sometimes help get me out of a funk is to make a list of symptoms that have improved over time. It helps to maintain perspective and patience.
Hey Cap,
Looks like you’ve been having a rough go of it. Let me offer some tough love here. Get your a@@ up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Be a man and stop letting some little blue pill take control of your life. It’s time to take back control. I understand what you’re up against, and sure life can suck at times. But it’s up to you to fight back. Take up new hobbies, new challenges, and meet them. Sure, it might be harder, and sure you might think you have no motivation. But toughen yourself up mentally and find it. Push even that much harder. And when you get down, remind yourself that you are still the same person as before. Personally, I’ve found a lot of this through exercise and physical challenges. Spend a day running in the mountains or on trails or surfing on the beach. Train for a triathlon. Just get yourself up and push past your limits. But whatever you do, don’t sit around and mope about the situation. It won’t do you any good, and you’ll just dig yourself into a tailspin that will be harder to pull yourself out of. Some supplement regime isn’t going to make your problems go away (as I think you already know). An all around change in lifestyle and attitude, however, can pay dividends. The problem clearly isn’t mental, but I think that mental changes, or exhibiting the same mental fortitude that it takes to push yourself (or say, run an ultramarathon), can help you live as you want to again. It begins with a decision to take control of your life.
Good luck! And please don’t take this the wrong way. But at some point everyone needs to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and accepting what happened and step up to take on the challenge.
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Thanks guys.
So here’s a little update on how things seem to be going. Over the past couple weeks (give or take, it’s been a really intense rollercoaster and a blur) I’ve felt more of my old personality come back to me. On good days, I feel more engaged with everything, I joke more, I can speak more quickly with fewer pauses to find the rights words or remember what I was talking about. I mix my words up less. I have less anxiety and depression and have had days where I genuinely felt really happy for no real reason, even while still being pretty much castrated. Those are on the good days. After a few good days I’ll have a couple bad days, which are the opposite of all those things. The other day when I nearly flung myself off the parking structure at work was one of those days. It got better over the weekend, and the following week turned into what I described above. I’m hoping this continues. Feeling close to 100% mentally, however briefly, was incredible. You really don’t realize how much Fin fucked you up until you have a moment of clarity like that. It’s almost depressing, because being fucked up for so long you kind of forget what it’s like to be normal, then you taste a moment of it and you’re like “oh yeah” and miss it so hard. Anyway, I’ve also developed this habit where I run my hands through my hair frequently, pulling out hairs, even putting them in a little pile and counting them. I also look at my crown area and the general top of my head in the mirror a lot, trying to determine how much it’s thinning. Then I usually have an anxiety attack. I’m trying to cut that out. It contributes quite a bit to my stress levels. I thought back to when I’ve had massive hair sheds like this in the past and I could think of two times, and both were during periods of extreme stress. So I’m hoping that’s what’s going on now and I’m not just super sensitive to androgens now and destined to be bald in a year.
Sexually, not much to report. The last month or so has seemed to loosely fit a pattern. I’ll have about a week where I can feel a little libido and get erections via thought or visual stimulation. Then I’ll have a couple weeks give or take where it’s dead. Thinking about it now, I feel kind of numb or indifferent. I think I’m starting to just accept my fate. While I’ll certainly do everything in my power to keep trying, it’s incredibly unlikely I’ll ever get back to normal in this department, but I guess as long as my mind goes back to normal I can still accomplish what I want to in life. It’s a shame. Growing up I was an ugly duckling, kids made fun of me a lot, and girls wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole. It was only this past year that I overcame the anxiety and negative self image instilled in me growing up. I realized I was a very handsome man, gained tons of confidence, and had girls falling over each other for me. That’s a lot of why I took Fin, to hold on to that. My anxiety kicked in and I thought I’d lose that new life if all my hair fell out (even though it wasn’t by a long shot). Ironically, I ruined everything I was trying to save by trying to save it.
Anyway, I have a few very big sources of stress going on right now which I don’t care to discuss here, but those being resolved or at least pushed past should help things. I also haven’t had the money to stick to my diet or work out, so it’s been top ramen and doing pretty much nothing for the last several weeks. Fixing that should help, too. Then finally I have that naturopath appointment early next month. Maybe something good will come of that, who knows. I hope so.
I would also like to thank those who have been supportive either in this thread or via PM. I can’t express how much that has meant to me and gotten me through some very dark moments. It really makes a huge difference talking to someone going through the same thing.
That’s all for now. See you around, everyone. Stay strong.
Of course after commenting on the good days I’ve had recently, I have a couple of the shittiest I’ve had in a while. fml