Hi to anyone who reads this. First time logging into Propecia help in a long time.
I just wanted to give a bit of an update. I’m very tired at the moment (gym+sleep restriction) so i’ll keep it relatively brief.
As you can see from this thread, started Propecia at 15. My life was never the same since. I had brain fog, serious anxiety, clearly some dysthymia / depression. Soon after quitting at 25 I began to have some of the worst years. I was reading propeciahelp all the time, i was so upset i would cry constantly, my life was almost at an end. When i say i had anxiety, i really mean it. I would be terrified often getting on the train, be scared of going to the shops, my world would be dark from disassociation, id totally freeze and embarrass myself in social situations, sometimes id leave an event in total panic.
I struggled through and always tried to fix it (following guidelines here, going to the gym, mediation, broccoli, diet, supplements etc). Nothing really worked.
At some point i started focusing on my anxiety and i found Claire weeks, and later on Paul David & the anxiety no more blog. I tried as best as i could to follow the rules of the blog, and id have moments of no anxiety but still often relapse into despair. My every day state was average at best - something was wrong and it was lurking in my subconscious. I was never able to let go.
Yet i persisted with (Ironically trying not to persist so hard). As of about 5 months ago something seems to have clicked. I feel what i can only describe as normal. I have very little anxiety, no sadness. I’m just fine. I keep waking up every morning expecting to feel flat / anxious again but it just isn’t happening. My confidence and personality is returning, my mind is sharper and I feel thankful and calm.
So the other side of things (that in a way frightened and more deeply upset me) was some ED, Some PE, and a persistent feeling of low libido. Every since feeling better, this has also improved. I haven’t been laid for years and i’m low fapping, but I’ve been feeling horny again. Its not raging but its undoubtedly there. I’m not worried about it, my ED is minor if even there, and PE can be solved with work if i need it. I wouldn’t be surprised that if once i get a partner and as my sleep continues to improve (using a technique i’ll detail below) and i regain who i am, the final bits of depression lifts, i will be fully functional and fine.
My current feelings about Propecia -
Do i think Propecia fucked me up hard? well…probably / likely. I became anxious / depressed after taking it although i was also going bald. Do i think it caused physical damage to my brain? I’m not so sure. I believed 1000% that i was fucked. Waking up with brain fog was the damage from Propecia. This belief defined my life. I was like that women from inception, my life was basically over. Yet here i am. I have beaten depression and SERIOUS anxiety. What has led to my recovery? I am 100% certain it was my own hard work to understand and work on my mental state.
I know how unpopular it is to claim Propecia might not be the cause of all your issues. I know some people will hate me for even implying it. All i can say is i am at peace finally, i am normal and happy. I took Propecia for 10 years.
What has improved my well being
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The fundamental principles of Claire Weekes_ (3+ Years for me to understand it) (face, accept, float and let time pass) sound easy. Many people try to combat anxiety but don’t have the fortitude and the insight to really see that it is caused by themselves. I would relapse, doubt myself, hate life, then get back on the horse. Finally, i started to see the improvements, to really believe it was possible. I started to realize how pointless fighting anxiety was and i let down my guard. Finally it went away.
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I’ve never been prone to depression as i’m quite a flexible thinker. Yet the thought that i was fucked - id always have brain damage, and id never be able to have a partner crushed me. There was NO solution to this, i watched those on propeciahelp try things and fail. Yet as time went on i started to cultivate doubts and to question what i knew. I read about individuals with schizophrenia who were mute and smoking all day, to living very functional lifes when their hope returned. I started to question how much of my problems were due to my extreme worry. How far did this rabbit hole go? Would my libido come back if i weren’t depressed? Would my sleep improve? Am i sure that i am brain damaged? Could my anxiety be caused by my own fear of it?
Slowly, as i saw the results for my own eyes, i realized more and more the part i played in this. Could my nervous system be absolutely shot to shit from years of emotional abuse?
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I went to a sex therapist who was lovely. She is a GP, and was better BY FAR than the psychologists i had seen in the past. She was kind, she normalized some of my problems. She hypnotized me. I am a very skeptical person, and i told her so, but she framed it as deep relaxation. And BOY did i relax when she did it. I sunk into the chair and relaxed in a way that i hadn’t ever. From that day on i started a daily relaxation practice. I also used proper diaphragmatic breathing. Id heard of relaxation in the past but id never really did it. This seemed to be the final straw that tipped me into feeling great.
Some other things i did that i found effective (but I don’t not think were directly responsible to my recovery
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No FAP
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Posture work (Strengthening glutes / hamstrings / ABS, not sitting on sacrum) - helps breathing and pelvic floor (still working on this).
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Kegels (reverse kegels in particular to undo the PE i caused myself with too many kegels. IC flexes seem to give me libido back sometimes).
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I followed a depression program called uncommon knowledge. He promoted relaxation (which i did religiously). He also spoke about values, and after doing a values exercise i really felt a lot better about myself. It was like my sense of identity clicked and i felt more whole.
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Going to the gym 3+ years. Its been a great outlet, i look better i concentrate on my lifts. I’ve gotten pretty strong too.
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Sleeping on my side with a backpack to help with mild/moderate sleep apnea (losing weight).
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Currently undergoing stimulus control and bedtime restriction therapy for my sleep. Its working, its fantastic but i’m taking it slow.
I’ve done a shit load of other things to help myself, but most of them are not worth mentioning.
So i felt i had to at least update my story. I can preempt the type of responses i will get already. “Dude im not depressed and i’m still fucked”. I am aware of the studies showing altered brain structures. Maybe you’re right, maybe propecia has fucked you. Maybe time fixed me? Perhaps i was ok 5 years ago and simply mentally ill.
Or maybe you don’t really know yourself as well as you think you do. The lingering thought that propecia has ruined your life is incredibly insidious. I find it probable that many sufferers can at least improve their existence if they change their mindset a bit. All i can tell you is my own story.